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Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information
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NM8448 · 22/05/2016 08:38

Hi

I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.

Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..

Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.

I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.

I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...

All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...

I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..

I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..

I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?

I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..

For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?

Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

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Kr1stina · 30/08/2016 11:32

Do you have a support person with you ?

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NM8448 · 30/08/2016 10:56

I am in hospital right now waiting for the induction to start.

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Kr1stina · 30/08/2016 10:36

NM - how are you feeling ? I thought you were going into hospital today ?

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NM8448 · 30/08/2016 09:54

Martina,
I'm sorry you went through all that and it's clear its effected you greatly..

The process of a adoption is very different now from what it was 40 years ago.

Hope you find some peace at some point.

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MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 30/08/2016 08:02

You can't argue with crazy Hels - thanks for giving it a go though :)

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CannotEvenDeal · 30/08/2016 05:53

I have also reported that post. I was so stunned by its content that I actually left the Comment box blank because I was so lost for words.

Thinking of you OP Flowers

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Hels20 · 30/08/2016 05:33

I have had to report your post, Tinypaws because it is absolutely wholly offensive. It has also derailed the whole thread.

I don't know what it was like to be adopted 40 years ago, though my cousin's mother lied even on her deathbed as to who my cousin's bio father was. But I don't know anyone on this board that lies to their AC about their children's background. I am always telling my child the truth - in an age appropriate way (after all, how do you gently tell your child that their birth mother put drugs/alcohol/parties/sexual gratification/sexually abusive partner/inability to keep child clean/safe/fed all ahead of their needs). The OP is one of the v few women who is choosing to relinquish her child in difficult circumstances - but that doesn't mean the AP are going to lie about the circumstances of his birth.

We don't want ownership - we want a family. No one owns any one - birth parents do not "own" their children either.

I am sorry you have so obviously suffered in your life as a result of being adopted but what you spout above is incredibly offensive and blatantly untrue in the adoption world of today.

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Tinypaw · 30/08/2016 02:03

As a grown up adopted child?... erm.... meant to say grown-up adoptee...

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Tinypaw · 30/08/2016 02:01

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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Kr1stina · 29/08/2016 21:09

NM - glad to hear that you and the baby are still well and hoping that things go smoothly tomorrow.

I'm sorry to hear that you have so little RL support and that you are still so very unhappy . Your comment up the thread really stood out for me

Then had the sleepless night with repeated dreams and anxiety attack about watching my kids being raised by another woman from a distance and feeling helpless over and over again

I know that your baby will find a loving family. But I am fearful for you and how you will live with yourself afterwards. Please don't do this unless you are 100% sure it's right for you.

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BuffaloCustardbath · 29/08/2016 19:36

NM you'll be on my mind constantly tomorrow, I hope the induction goes well and the SWs have got their act together to make sure no further upset is caused where it is not needed.

Will DP be present at the birth? Is everything ready for baby's 2 weeks at home with you.

Sending strength and love to you, NM.

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Haffdonga · 29/08/2016 11:33

NM I've been thinking about you. Thanks

Now please stop worrying about other people (including readers here) and for the next stage, as you face giving birth, please focus entirely on yourself, what you want, what you feel would help you to go through this process. If it helps you to post updates, get your thoughts in order or rail against the world on MN, then do, but if you would prefer to wrap yourself in a duvet and shut out everyone and everything for a while as you recover, then that's just as valid.

Be selfish for a little while. I don't think you've had much practice at that Wink
Good luck my dear Thanks

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NM8448 · 29/08/2016 10:45

Thanks flower...
I am ok, it's is a sad situation but I'm really hoping and praying for a good outcome for baby if nothing else..

I have worked really hard to come to terms with things and do the best I can to make the decisions I made.

This forum has been a great source of information and support and has been a really good place to let things out with all the ups and downs that have happened.

I want to really thank everyone for their contribution... And just want to make sure you are also all ok... I don't want anyone to be upset by any of this..
Despite everything I do have support and care around me and I am ok and will be ok.

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wildflowermeadows · 29/08/2016 10:34

Hello NM, I have recently come over to the adoption thread and read your story over the weekend. I was very sad to read what you've been through and how you've been treated. I hope that things go as well as they can and that you have lots of support around you. Wishing you all the best.

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NM8448 · 29/08/2016 09:36

Hey Italian,

I'm ok, super nervous about tomorrow. Hoping when I ring them in the morning I won't get told they don't have any beds and prostpone things, the sweep itself sent me into two days of contractions that although were regular they just weren't strong enough.

I'm hoping as its my 5th baby I will respond well to the induction but it's also been 8 year and not sure my body is being very cooperative.

Emotionally all my anxiety is aimed toward the birth right now like any regular mum... I'm on edge with anticipation of the pain.. The other stuff is firmly pushed to the back of my mind.

I will let you know all how it goes and this will probably be the most intense time where I'm going to need the most practical adoption advice.

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Italiangreyhound · 29/08/2016 09:14

Hi NM how is it going? Sorry to be out of touch, am working awat from home with no easy internet).

Just be aware I was induced on the 23 (my actual due date) and gave birth on the 25.

If it does take 2 days he will be a different school year!

Good luck for tomorrow..

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NM8448 · 24/08/2016 11:17

Latest update...

Had sweep yesterday... All it did was make me sore so far... I am booked for another one Friday and a full on induction on the 30th if nothing else works.

Felt a sudden rush of sadness when I got baby's actual birthdate... Realise that dare will always mean something to me and be quite a vital part of my life.

SS got in contact with an update about the meeting they had and once again adoption social worker great! Other one causing issues and delays... She's determined that baby needs to go to Forster care first... I won't let that happen! I don't want baby in Forster care where he may be forgotten about for months!!

She's making me really angry... The adoption social worker is on our side... Says it should be ok for him to go to foster to adopt agreement so I don't know why this other social worker form a completely irrelevant and inexperienced department is making these decisions..
She keeps contradicting everything the adoption social worker says and is almost being awkward to FORCE me to keep baby.

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Italiangreyhound · 24/08/2016 11:04

How are you today NM

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HaveAWeeNap · 24/08/2016 00:51

OP. Your mum sounds horrendous

Your partner is not supportive.

If YOU want to keep baby then please please do so.

I'm an adoptive mum. I've 'benefited' from a LO being taken from mum and the from dad...

I can't have children and would be childless had a particular set of events not happened.

However, after following your thread for weeks... If you have any doubt whatsoever or any inkling that you could afford this baby emotionally and financially; then please keep him/her.

I believe you and baby will benefit from this for the whole of your lives. Only my opinion. I may well be wrong. Do what's right for the both of you - please forget EVERYBODY else X

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Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2016 18:40

NM when things settle a bit I'd go no contact with your mum. she doesn't deserve you. Flowers

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BuffaloCustardbath · 23/08/2016 13:19

NM I'm so sorry that's been going on, your mothers behaviour is absolutely atrocious! I hope the counsellor reiterated to you that the things she said do not reflect your mothering at all but rather show her to be a toxic, thoroughly negative presence in the life of you and your children. It's not long now until they're home with you and you can breathe a sigh of relief.

I'll be thinking of you today while you have the SW appointment and your sweep.

Take care NM.

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Haffdonga · 23/08/2016 12:59

Oh NM, your mum's behaviour sounds absolutely unforgivable and shocking Sad . I hope you know that you deserve only love and support. Not that. You know she wont be able to separate you from your dcs in any way, don't you?

Was your sweep today? Good luck with that.

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NM8448 · 23/08/2016 10:08

Buffalo

The anxiety was about my kids being away not the birth, they come back tomorrow but some stuff happened while they were on holiday with their father that was quite upsetting... He basically found a lady while there to act as mum for them while on holiday... She cooked them dinner and went with them to many activities that I should have been at... It broke my heart as I'm their mum and I should have been worn them not this random stranger... It felt like yet another passive aggressive way to punish me for being pregnant and unable to go with them. Then my own mum who flew out for the second part of their holiday was actively encouraging my ex to hang out more with this lady with the kids... She hates me so much for my decision not to abort this baby that she stated clearly to me that she's now actively searching for a better mum for my kids via my husband because I don't deserve to be their mum as a result of my u pleasant decisions... I asked when will she stop punishing me for that... Her reply was "when you finally f.... Die".

This is my family, this is what I get from them support wise... Saw the couselling lady that afternoon and spoke about it.. Then had the sleepless night with repeated dreams and anxiety attack about watching my kids being raised by another woman from a distance and feeling helpless over and over again..

I can't wait to get baby away from my mum and her toxic presence..

When you all ask why do I always put others first... Well because she never bothered to help me gain or maintain any self worth.

Sorry about the rant... Just really sad and frustrated by the situation.

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Payitforward55 · 23/08/2016 09:43

Just read this thread, thinking of you today NM, what a wonderful person you are. Hope everything goes well for you and you feel at peace with your decision.

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BuffaloCustardbath · 22/08/2016 07:50

Thinking of you too NM, did you manage to get some sleep? Anxiety is normal at this stage I'm sure, with less than 10 days to go any woman about to give birth feels some anxiety about what is to come, and you have so much more to come than most.

Take it easy today, lots of rest, plenty to eat and drink, do you practice hypnobirthing or anything like that? The headspace app is good for short mindfulness sessions that might help you to relax just a little.

The SW situation sounds a bit of a nightmare, I hope it all gets sorted out properly tomorrow so you haven't got that hanging over your head too.

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