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Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information
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NM8448 · 22/05/2016 08:38

Hi

I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.

Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..

Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.

I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.

I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...

All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...

I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..

I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..

I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?

I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..

For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?

Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

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ClassicCoast · 23/05/2016 09:47

No one can answer that. I am adopted as well as being a birth parent - my adoption was happy but there are plenty of adoptees who have life long issues- see the thread on relationships. No one experience gives you any guarantees.
Similarly there is almost certainly a real lack of research on the impact on other birth children who see their sibling adopted. Calling PAC - have a Google, might help you find out more on this but children love security and I can see this pressures my children who didn't live through it.

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NM8448 · 23/05/2016 08:40

Thanks again for all your input and it certainly opens my eyes to things I thought were going to work out like the feelings of our exsisting children and that really hits a massive concern because this isn't about me it's ultimately about ensure all the children we have are ok one way or the other..they are the true innocent parties here and should never suffer as a result of decisions we make.

What's ultimately best for all of them? Baby and his 6 siblings?

I can deal with my feelings and cope as best I can but if this is going to harm any of them then I just wouldn't be able to live with that.

My ex is only looking out for his feelings and that of his children
My partners ex is doing the same although in a less friendly manner

My partner has just been absolutely honest and said he simply can't cope with helping me raise baby, I rather he did that than just lie and make promises he can't keep.. He comes with me to every scan and appointment, he is interacting with baby and really looks after me emotionally and practically so he's not a bad person at all he's just as overwhelmed as I am.

So the question still stands what's best for the kids here? Not the adults but just the kids.

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Canyouforgiveher · 23/05/2016 03:27

OP, you have my sympathies - what you are going through is very hard.

I am an adopted adult. I am now in contact with my birth mother. She was 16 when she gave birth to me many many years ago.

Someone up thread said "parenting an adopted child is hard". I disagree with this completely. Parenting me and my sister was the biggest joy of my parents' life. We were wonderful children to them and had a wonderful childhood and family life. Parenting an adopted child who has been abused may be hard (or not) but parenting an adopted child is no harder or easier than parenting your own child (my sis and I often say our parents had it a lot easier than we do rearing children - they were lucky)

I worry that you are making this decision to please other people - your ex, your ds1, your mother. They really have no say in this. In 10 years time your 15 year old will be grown and gone. He will be going on with his life and you may be still grieving the decision you made and he wont even think about it. If he had a 10 year old half brother at home he wouldn't think about it either. Ditto your ex. He is your ex. Either you are fit to rear your children or not. A baby can't possibly ruin anyone's life if people behave properly.

I think you got pregnant accidentally. most of us would have aborted but your couldn't -fair enough. What you are now trying to do is give birth to the baby but have the consequences of an abortion - no baby. it really doesn't work like that. there will be a baby and it will be your baby and even if you give it to someone else to rear, you will still feel connected/emotional/guilty etc.

if you are going ahead with having this baby, you cannot make all of this go away and I think you are in danger of really resenting your ex, your ds1 and your mother for their roles in pushing you into this decision.

my birth mother has never fully forgiven herself for giving me up even though there was literally no other option at the time. I knew she had no other choice but I also found it hard to process that she did actually give me away.

I do think your baby will be happy and well and maybe even better off with a lovely adoptive family. But I don't think it will be as easy for you afterwards.

And finally I actually cannot process what it would be like as an 8 year old to know that your mother can have a child and give it away. you should definitely have some supports in place for your children when this happens because even those children who would rather you were not pregnant will be affected by their brother being adopted. Frankly, I think they will never completely trust you again.

My biggest concern in this is not your unborn child-he will probably be fine and have a great life, but I do think this decision is going to have huge repercussions on you and especially your children.

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Italiangreyhound · 23/05/2016 03:04

When I say But with time he may come around to respect your decision if you decide to keep baby. I meant your eldest son.

You said "When it comes down to it we could make finances, schedules, childcare etc all work but we simply can't cope with it all with our family circumstances and existing children's needs as well."

If that is really the case so be it, but are you sure others have not made the decision for you?

Do you know what I wonder, I wonder if you feel guilty and giving up your baby is your way out of guilt? You mention 'mess' a couple of times, you say "We inadvertently made a huge mess and I can't see why or how I should bring a baby up into this.. I feel he would be better off in a more stable environment..."

Please only do this if this is really right for you and baby.

It sounds like you are being bullied and pushed around, this is the old 'give me your dinner money' or I will beat you up. the family wanted you to abort the baby, now they want you to give him up!

Take your ex partner and even your new partner, and his ex wife, and your mum and the prospective adoptive parents and the social workers out of the equation.

Just focus on you and your new baby and your existing kids. Could this work?

Re "I regularly walk myself mentally through what the handover of baby is going to be like and try my best to let myself cry when I need to and be practical when I need to in order to be as prepared as possible to go through this."

Why not mentally walk yourself through keeping this baby. See how you feel thinking you could do this, with your partner's support, or maybe even without. If it would kill you or send you over the edge of course do not do it. But would it really? Or are you just too scared of all these other people who are making demands on you. How can you allow these others to guilt you into doing something you do not want to do?

Counselling with an abusive ex (and your ex sounds awful, not amicable, sorry) may not be giving you the best advice for you. Please find someone to talk to who can advise what is best just for you.I think you are so fixed on not changing your mind for the sake of some prospective adopter you may not be willing to even explore it. Please do explore it, even if you still decide this is the right thing for you.

It's easy to think someone else could do a better job, but if you want the job of raising your new son, with or without your partner, it's your call.You do not owe it to your ex or your partner or his ex, or your mum, your social worker, any prospective adopters or even your own kids not to have another child. So make the decision for you.

And whatever you do, big, hug, hugs because this is a very hard road. Thanks

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Italiangreyhound · 23/05/2016 02:11

NM8448 I think you are going through an amazingly tough time and I am so sorry for you.
I normally say just do what is right and blah blah blah….
But there are so many things in this thread that make me think you are making this decision under duress!
EG
"Things are amicable with my soon to be ex husband but he has made definite threats of that changing if I keep this baby.. He thinks I would ruin our children's lives if I didn't go through with this adoption. I don't want any of my children (baby included) to be raised in a war zone. My eldest regularly expresses his dad's views of wanting nothing to do with baby while the youngest two are always curious and inquisitive about the baby."

I read this and wanted to shout WTF!....

Please get these manipulative threats on record. IF you choose to change your mind you do not need your children to suffer because of this. Your ex is making unrealistic demands. Your children will not suffer if you have another baby, not in the long term, they may need to share you, they may need to pitch in and help more, but they won't suffer long term. They are far more likely to suffer from having an arse hole of a father who would 'guilt' their mother into giving up a baby. And may one day feel very bad if they realise you gave away their little brother because you thought it would be better for them!

Don’t get me wrong, in some families where finances are so tight one more mouth to feed would destroy a family, and I am thinking not UK here, there may be families where children leave but that is not the case with you.

Please reassess if you are really doing this for the right reasons or if your evil ex has persuaded you this is best because it suits his own plans on you and your children's lives (all your children lives!)

Re "Family wise they are all fuming with me for not having an abortion (a personal choice that I would never judge others for doing but it just wasn't an option emotionally for me), they again drummed into me how selfish I would be if I forced this baby on them... My own mothers words are "I can't talk to you while you have that thing growing in your belly", it's absolutely distressing the thought of the animosity that already exists towards this innocent baby and I can't help but want to get him away from all this tension and grief."

PLEASE please do not allow your own mother (the person in all the world, along with your father, who should have your best interests at heart) to push you into a decision you may not want to take.

I am afraid in your shoes I would take all steps to ensure my ex did not in any way threaten me or my children's stability, financial otherwise etc, and I would need to cut contact with my mother until such time as she reconsidered her position. It sounds like far too many people have been pushing you around. Which is utter shit.

Are you worried your eldest son may turn against you? You know he might, for a time, but you may give away your baby and your teenage son may still turn against you for a time. His dad sounds like a very appalling influence in his life. But with time he may come around to respect your decision if you decide to keep baby. Do not allow your ex, your mum or your eldest son to make this decision for you.

Again "The dad is in a similar position.. . His soon to be ex wife is absolutely hateful towards this baby and has made many threads to cut off his time with his two girls if there are any baby stuff around the house and she is a self proclaimed church going Christian! He loves his girls more than anything and he is a brilliant dad to them and they really need him now that they are also coping with their parents divorce. He is bonded with baby but freely admits he can't cope with us raising him.. "

This woman, who is nothing to you, has a say in whether you keep your baby, really, does she?

Please, please look into some assertiveness training to work out what you actually want to do. Again, she could stop her ex (your partner) seeing his girls, or at least try to. But she could do that even if you give up your baby. Again, get her threats in writing, save texts or emails or whatever, just in case.

And send her notes full of Bible verses about love and peace.
EG
Proverbs 17:1 The Message version
" A meal of bread and water in contented peace
is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels."

Well maybe not, but she sounds awful!

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Cleo1303 · 23/05/2016 00:25

NM, Your relationship with your husband is only amicable if he is controlling you.

Both exes sound vile and you are being bullied into giving up your baby, and you are worried about your financial situation.

Can I ask you a question: If you won or inherited £500,000 or even £100,000 tomorrow, would you keep your baby?

I'm not being critical of you I promise.

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ClassicCoast · 22/05/2016 23:48

Ok so I am a birth parent who relinquished. From my perspective now I made a choice that gave a priority to the feelings of everyone but me. I chose to believe I was gifting the child a more charmed, more nourishing life but in reality plenty of adoptees think their adoption has been difficult for them even when it goes well. Then there is the scenario where it doesn't go well.

You are being bullied by your parents and ex, you are making decisions that make their responses easier. I wonder at your esteem when you say your relationship with your ex is amicable. It isn't. No one you have an amicable relationship with talks to you like that. Your decision must be a good one for you, your kids will come round either way but your wider family don't get to make this decision by blackmail.

Your comparisons with what your children had/have and what this baby would have with you are meaningless. Your baby has four siblings, that's a rich inheritance and families have endlessly changing circumstances as people move, die, get ill, get poor - children live brightly in the moment, they care most of all about the most immediate family.

Your current children will have a right to contact SS to make a representation to the adopted child when they/the 'baby' is 18 as do you. You have no control over whether The adoptee makes contact...this can fuck with your mind but also with your kids. Mine are younger than their sibling and it fucks with them. Yours will also catch a load of crap off their peers as this is unusual and will be gossiped about for ever.

So I sound negative and judgemental, I really really don't mean to but you sound swamped out by all these thoughts of others. I am sorry your circumstances make this tough that your closest family are being emotionally abusive and that the control and certainty you want us to tell you about can't be guaranteed. There is nothing you do that makes you less in control. For ever. You give up a baby in year one,a one year old in year two, a toddler in year three. And so on. You live with this for longer than anyone.

I don't mean don't do it but do be careful. Research shows it is much worse for our mental health than abortion. There is a reason (welfare) why it's no longer a longer an option in the UK.

I wish you well with whatever you decide.

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Alanfits · 22/05/2016 22:46

If the time comes and you did for whatever think about changing your mind then don't even consider the feelings of the adoptive parents. You have to do what is right for you and yours, and don't let anyone else's emotions overshadow that.

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NM8448 · 22/05/2016 22:26

That's actually quite true, the first Social worker did just that and she met with me and baby's dad as well as then had a follow up meeting with my kids and ex husband and bless her she really tried to get me to change my mind but accepted in the end it just wasn't viable for me...


To many it just doesn't make sense on paper, two stable loving parents in a loving supportive relationship, both professionals and of a mature age range making such a decision which is why I'm beginning to see why it would make future adoptive parents and SS nervous about things..

It's a shame but I get it.. I get why we would be seen as high risk of changing our minds, all I can say is that I couldn't do that to a family.. Give them hope then change my mind and I'm doing my absolute best to make sure that does not happen.

Thanks again for all your support and care, I will keep posting as questions come up regarding the process if that's ok.

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Alanfits · 22/05/2016 22:00

My heart really goes out to you. You're being put in a very tricky position. Your family sound spiteful and mean, I can't believe anyone would speak of an unborn baby like that, least of all its family.
If you are set on adoption then you will at least know the baby is going to a family who desperately want one. you sound like you have really thought this through. As others have said the adoption team will probably be much more visible as the birth draws nearer. I really don't know much practically about the actual adoption but the only relinquished babies I know of the social workers worked their darnedest to convince the birth mum to keep the baby.

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NM8448 · 22/05/2016 21:38

Yes have been engaged in a local crisi pregnancy counselling service from the start and go there weekly to work through feelings and anxiety over the pregnancy and adoption that's why I keep saying I won't change my mind, I'm not burying my head in the sand and hoping for the best, I'm working through it somewhat now in order to be stronger after the birth. The counsellor is very supportive and is supporting me with my decision fully so that's been a real helpful resource so far.

I also have one private family counselling session a week with the ex husband in order to navigate feelings and needs of our children and help them through this. This one is with a different speciality therapists as it addresses children and family needs rather than the crisi pregnancy one.

I really am trying my best in a pretty complicated mess.

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sunnydayinmay · 22/05/2016 21:19

Gosh, that all sounds very stressful, and pressured. Have you had an opportunity to have counselling? It sounds as if you are having to cope with everyone else's feelings and opinions, I just wondered if you'd had space to talk this through with someone on your side?

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NM8448 · 22/05/2016 20:59

Alanfits and locomum

Please don't apologise for expressing your opinions, I came here to get those and appreciate people taking the time and effort to reply and try to help.

I'll be as open as possible in order to get the help to navigate through this.

My kids are happy settled and loving, I got married at 19 and had my first child then, he's 15 now, my youngest is 8, I was a stay at home mum with them and dedicated all of me to making sure they grew up happy despite being a young mum, when the youngest started school I joined my dream career in emergency care. I don't know how to start again alone and go through raising another lovely baby as well as work the hours that I do and with simultaneously taking care of the 4 boys who are now a product of a fresh divorce.. Coping wise seems near impossible.

Things are amicable with my soon to be ex husband but he has made definite threats of that changing if I keep this baby.. He thinks I would ruin our children's lives if I didn't go through with this adoption. I don't want any of my children (baby included) to be raised in a war zone. My eldest regularly expresses his dad's views of wanting nothing to do with baby while the youngest two are always curious and inquisitive about the baby.

Family wise they are all fuming with me for not having an abortion (a personal choice that I would never judge others for doing but it just wasn't an option emotionally for me), they again drummed into me how selfish I would be if I forced this baby on them... My own mothers words are "I can't talk to you while you have that thing growing in your belly", it's absolutely distressing the thought of the animosity that already exists towards this innocent baby and I can't help but want to get him away from all this tension and grief.

The dad is in a similar position.. His soon to be ex wife is absolutely hateful towards this baby and has made many threads to cut off his time with his two girls if there are any baby stuff around the house and she is a self proclaimed church going Christian! He loves his girls more than anything and he is a brilliant dad to them and they really need him now that they are also coping with their parents divorce. He is bonded with baby but freely admits he can't cope with us raising him..

We are under an enormous amount of pressure on a daily basis and things haven't calmed down much in the 6 months we have been pregnant, it's relentless judgement, opinions and anger aimed at us from exes and their extended family.

I know this is really long, sorry I'm just trying to paint the daily picture here and one of the many reasons why we made the decision to put a baby we care about up for adoption. When it comes down to it we could make finances, schedules, childcare etc all work but we simply can't cope with it all with our family circumstances and exsisting children's needs as well.

The fallout of keeping the baby are scary enough and that's why I keep insisting I won't change my mind.. I really am determined to do what's best for the baby regardless of the emotional costs it will have on me.

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Alanfits · 22/05/2016 20:27

In fact that's probably all very patronising, I apologise. You know what is best for your baby. I wish you nothing but strength whichever you decide.

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Alanfits · 22/05/2016 20:26

I simply couldn't read and run. What a heartbreaking post. I really don't wish to tell you what is or isn't the right decision as that is not my place but I really do think you could make it work. Plenty of children do long days in childcare and manage just fine, in fact they thrive. If cost is an issue don't forget there should be the increased childcare hours by the time your little one would need it. We are an adoptive family and have no family close, both work shifts and money is very tight but our kids are happy enough. I can't help but feel your views on adoption are americanised, whereby the birth mother could choose the parents she feels are the best fit. With adoption in the UK you have very little control. It could well be that you never get to meet them. I don't believe the prospective adopters information is ever shared with birth parents, although your case is very unique so they may well allow it. If I were a social worker I'm not sure I would place your baby under the foster to adopt scheme as you have a good few weeks to change your mind and as statistically you'd be very likely to do so, the emotional risk to the adoptive family is huge. Are you sure that with 5 children you wouldn't be better off taking a few years out of work to care for your family? I'm sure it's not your first choice, and may be something you wouldn't even consider but it might be worth doing the maths. If you do choose to adopt there will be trauma for your baby. Your voice, smell, and the comfort of nursing will all but vanish. I imagine there'll be trauma for the siblings too, and a small seed of doubt about their permanency planted. Kids are by their very nature resilient though, so if you feel it's for the greater good there will be support available to you all.
Whatever you choose I hope it is one that you feel happiest with. Either way your baby will be dearly loved, I'm sure. I can't even imagine your turmoil. I'm not sure I could adopt a baby such as yours (and we'd dearly love another) as I'd feel like I'd taken it from a very loving mother who was equally, if not more, capable of parenting. It's heartbreaking enough when a birth mother simply isn't able to parent :( please don't take that the wrong way, it just breaks my heart that circumstance alone can split a family.
will keep you all in my thoughts.

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LocoMoco · 22/05/2016 18:12

Apologies i hadn't read your part where you explained why personally those two weeks are important for your family. I didn't mean to come across as dismissive of your feelings

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LocoMoco · 22/05/2016 18:08

We did foster to adopt and our dd has never been in foster care.

I'd expect you'll be able to meet the adoptive parents probably after the placement.

Also not all adoptive parents have to go back to work full time etc, I'm sure ss will choose the best possible match they can for your child.
I know you said you'll breastfeed for the 1st few weeks then hand him over. You could express that milk for him (and beyond) and allow him to go straight home with his adoptive parents. Definitely harder on you but it means he never has to transition to a new home.

good luck

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NM8448 · 22/05/2016 14:14

Thanks Edin

So if I understand this right the foster to adopt placement would be with the adoptive parents not an interim accommodation with a third party?

The theory behind the two weeks thing is based on wanting to give baby the best start in life and breastfeed him so he gets the first lot of milk that includes the important vitamins and minerals he would get from the colostrum. While I know lots of babies do well regardless of being breastfed or not it's just something I would like to do for him if I can.

Other reasons are a bit more personal choice because while I know it's hard giving him up straight from hospital it's going to he extra horrific with all the hormonal changes the body goes through straight after birth that I don't think I can cope with both simultaneously (baby blues and baby going at the same time). I wanted some time for my body to adjust in a more natural way.

And finally I want to have some time with him in private with my partner to say goodbye. Our kids all want to meet and say goodbye to baby too and all of that would just be too much to handle at hospital with the short time span we would be there.

It might make things harder but I would have 2 weeks to gently adjust to things rather than the sudden emotional crash of handing him over at hospital.

I may well live to regret that and if it gets too much to handle I am prepared to rethink that option but for now it just keeps me calm and focuses on something other than the birth.

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Cleo1303 · 22/05/2016 14:14

NM, please don't apologize. My heart goes out to you. You are in such a sad situation.

I'm going to throw in this idea. You have probably thought of it already but maybe not?

You say you have a good and amicable relationship with your ex and that he has a large and loving supportive family. Would they not be willing to accept your new little boy and include him, knowing that he is the half-brother of your other boys? Some families do manage this. If they are generous-hearted and kind they may be willing to help out.

Practically if you and your partner are living separately it's going to be hugely difficult at the moment but that will change.

I think you feel you need to have the baby adopted because you and your partner are in the early stages of this relationship and aren't really settled but that does happen to many people and they manage to make it work somehow. Sometimes those relationships work and the couple will stay together and live happily ever after, and sometimes of course they won't.

Unless I have missed it your partner doesn't have children of his own? You say he is torn up and emotionally attached to the baby? I would hate to see you blaming each other in a year's time for giving up the baby and then splitting up as a result. If this would be his only child it could be a decision he regrets too.

I think you are being very brave.

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EdinLS · 22/05/2016 13:29

Hi NM,

I won't reiterate what prior posters have said about the importance of thinking through your decision, we all know its a huge decision to make. I will try and offer some practical answers though.

It depends on your local authority, but I would be very surprised if you weren't offered the opportunity to meet with the adopters at some point in the process. I know of birth families who present significant risks where this has been achieved in a well managed way, so would be surprised if your social worker isn't able to facilitate this for you & the adoptive parents.

Foster to adopt placements are being championed at the moment in local authorities, and again I would be surprised if this wasn't the case for your baby. This would likely mean the foster to adopt parents collecting baby from the hospital when he is ready for discharge.

I imagine you would be discouraged from taking him home for two weeks, but if this is what you choose the social worker would have no grounds to stop you or seek a legal order to prevent this, as you have said there are no safeguarding concerns.

The baby would be being placed with foster carers/foster to adopt parents likely under a Section 20 voluntary agreement until a placement order is granted, which gives you a lot of power over these arrangements. Personally, I feel taking baby home for two weeks would make it much more difficult to then let him go, but that is for you to think about.

The local authority should have a 'pathway' to follow for 'relinquished' babies. This is likely to be unfamiliar to your social worker, as it is quite uncommon that babies are relinquished, and to be honest most that are present at a very late stage of pregnancy, rather than early on and in a planned manner, as is you situation.

If I was you I would ask to meet with the manager of the adoption team to talk about how they follow this process in reality and how you will be included in decision making. If your social worker is unable to facilitate this, ask for the contact details of their manager, or for their manager to contact you, who should then be able to liaise directly with the adoption team.

I hope this is of some help, and am thinking of you as you make these huge decisions.

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NM8448 · 22/05/2016 13:15

Cleo, thanks for your kind words but please don't feel upset by my posts, that was not my intention.

I know it will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do, I know how much I care for and love this baby but I accept fully I can't cope with raising him, I have 4 boys already that need me and I have done my best but that's because I have raised them with support from their father (soon to be my ex husband) who I have a really good amicable relationship with. They also have a good relationship with grandparents and extended family from my husbands side, they grew up surrounded by love and support...

This baby won't have that, I have no family my side and my partner is in the same position with elderly parents who live far away.. This baby would grow up watching his brothers and two sisters from his dad's side having an extended family network for support and care while he has two exhausted parents alone sharing his care from two different accommodations, struggling emotionally and financially to provide for him and his other siblings. He would inevitably feel like the odd one out and I have no doubt would suffer as a result.

My partner and I have only been together a very short time we fell pregnant almost immediately despite being cautious so although we have a lot of love and care for each other we are also realistic that this is all new, we had just got out of 40 years of marriage between us when we together so not only are we just about adjusting to the new way of life but also coming to terms with loosing our previously stable family and routine then dealing with the emotional fall out this has on our existing children and ex partners.

We inadvertently made a huge mess and I can't see why or how I should bring a baby up into this.. I feel he would be better off in a more stable environment..
I don't mind what religions, lifestyle choices or preferences the adoptive parents have all I care about it that they have the ability to provide baby with love, stability and support. His life and future is my main concern.

I am really struggling to get across how this situation isn't a pity thing.. And I understand why some people find it hard to understand how can we love the baby so much but still willing to give him up..

Me and the dad are happy together, he is torn up about what we decided to do and he is very emotionally attached to the baby too but we reached this decision together, which is another reason some find our decision hard to understand.

I'm not in denial over how horrific this is going to be nor am I shying away from it but the only thing that gets me through is if I can find a fair and reasonable way to make sure the little man will be ok.. Reading here and from the answers I got so far it appears that I might not have that option so all I can do now is process that and see if I can find a way to get some reassurance somehow that will make an already hard journey a bit less traumatic.

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RatherBeIndoors · 22/05/2016 12:19

Wise thoughts from PPs here. Just re the info you might get about proposed adopters, we were asked to write a brief profile about our approx age, family, background, and interests. I think you would get that, but probably not until that adoptive family was almost certainly the one put forward - so there should be info but I doubt there would be choice, if you see what I mean?

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Hels20 · 22/05/2016 11:59

The baby's needs are put first; the birth parents preferences are considered. Eg if you want adoptive parents with a particular religion, culture. But your views / hopes can be rejected. You may know something more about the adoptive parents. I think we told the BM how long we had been together.

Your child could be placed with a single adopter (who most certainly will return to work), gay adopters, atheists, Christians...you have no real say. Could be placed with "middle class" adopters, wealthy adopters, adopters on benefits.

You basically will have no control over what parents are chosen for your child. SS will work out what is best for the child.

You are still a number of weeks away from all of this. It might also be that your child doesn't go into a "foster to adopt" placement. He could be fostered first before placement order is granted.

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Cleo1303 · 22/05/2016 11:54

NM: I am weeping reading your posts. What comes across so clearly is that you love this little boy so much - that shines through so clearly.

It's also very obvious that this is causing you enormous grief and I think that is why you are so desperate for SS to get on with it. I think you believe that once you have handed him over you'll somehow be able to move on and get over it. You won't.

You feel you can't emotionally cope and I understand that, but you also say your lives are in limbo and that is not the time to be making such a huge life-changing decision.

Yes, it's tough at the moment but in two years' time (just as an example) you may well be settled and then I think you may bitterly regret giving up your baby.

Please, please reconsider. I know it will be an incredibly hard in the months ahead if you keep him but if you do give him up I'm sure you'll be thinking of him every day and on special days - Christmas and birthdays - there will always be someone missing.

Apart from this baby's issues as he grows up, do you really want your other children to grow up knowing you gave away their baby brother?

You LOVE him. Please explore ways to keep him. Sending you a big hug.

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NM8448 · 22/05/2016 11:43

Thank you all so much.. You have given me a lot to think about and I realised I was misled by the leaflets on certain things so thats helped them clear them up somewhat..

I accept relinquishing any control or choice after the 6 weeks when the paperwork is signed, no issue with name being changed, parents choosing not to send a yearly update etc.. I get that and accept it

I was misled by how much choice and "best match" choice I had in the choosing of the adoptive parents, had no idea it would be solely up to the adoption team.. I was given the impression it would be a negotiation of our needs and theirs and baby's.... Really sad to hear that's not the case.

While I never thought I would meet or get to know identifying details of the parents I assumed I would be told a little bit about their circumstances (for example .. Married 10 years, have extensive family network, work full time etc) I'm a little unnerved now that I got to relinquish any knowledge of what life a baby will have when I am doing this voluntarily.. It just does not seem quite right.

Adoption is still ultimately what's right in my circumstances but I will have to insist on a clear chat with the SS team about things I think.

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