Giving baby up for adoption and struggling for practical information

[NM8448]

Hi

I really hope this is the right place to get some information for my situation.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and will be giving up my baby boy for adoption voluntary at birth.

Basic background: I am in my 30s and fell pregnant shortly after separating from my husband, we already have 4 children, I work full time and can't emotionally cope with raising another child, no safeguarding issues in place and my family has never had any social services investigations or interactions before.
I made the choice based on loving this baby and wanting him to be raised in a loving family environment and although the baby's father and I are together and get on well we both acknowledge we can't provide this baby anyway near the stability and family network that an adoptive couple can..

Financially, emotionally and practically our lives are in complete limbo as we are both going through divorces and struggling to cope with huge life changes after 40 years of marriage between us.

I contacted SS after making the decision 2 months ago and they have carried out an assessment on my Children and family as the first step to this process, all was found to be well with my children and no concerns were raised so I assumed I would be passed to the adoption team by now but this hasn't happened, I got passed to an intermediate team and they don't have the answers I have been anxious to get about how this process works.

I have sought private counselling regarding the adoption and have that support but there are practical questions I am anxious to get the answers to and as the pregnancy progresses I find myself getting more and more anxious about how this works...

All the leaflets and info I have been given are heavily based on children taken away from their families for safeguarding issues or young mums etc, there is very little to help people who make the choice voluntarily...

I worry about how baby is going to feel when he is older about being given up for adoption and want him to know he was loved and cared for not abandoned..

I worry about how things are going to happen straight after the birth, I don't want baby to go into foster care while waiting for parents to be selected by SS.. I want him to be with us for 2 weeks then go to his adoptive parents..

I don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?

I know about the legal side of things, I understand how that process works.
I need help and advice from birth mums who have done this and adoptive parents who can give me some practical advice on what they would have liked to receive from the birth mum with baby..

For example.. Scan pictures, do I send them with baby to the new parents? Naming baby, do I get to give him a name?

Letters from his brothers and sisters and us, is it helpful to send those with him for the adoptive parents to pass on when he is older?

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

[ClassicCoast]

Hope you are going on ok today. I keep thinking about you and am worried that you started off so fixed on adoption that you are not exploring the full impact of all this. A lot of American birth mothers start off sounding just like you and many go on to awful regrets. You may not of course but you sound like you are solving a problem and not making space for you.

[GingerAndTheBiscuits]

Have you considered discussing with your social worker what support might be available in your situation if you did decide to keep your son?

[Italiangreyhound]

I'm glad you worked through things and sorry this pregnancy has made things so tough.

[NM8448]

Italian,
I have had counselling and sorted through all of that years ago.

This pregnancy has opened up those wounds but I'm ok, it just makes me be extra protective of this baby more than anything else.

Currently I see two different counsellors..
One from the local crisis pregnancy service that helps me weekly to cope with the feelings and anxieties I have about that and they will offer support after the adoption.

The second counsellor is a private one I went to originally years ago to sort through the childhood stuff, she then saw me and my ex as a couple to work through his affairs and now she sees us as a family therapist to help us with parenting issues now we are separated and to navigate the children's feelings regarding the separation and adoption.

As much as all the childhood stuff has been horrible, I worked though it, I'm not depressed, I logic things out ok and cope perfectly fine day to day. Life has been good to me otherwise.

[Italiangreyhound]

I mean The idea about the birth parents writing to us is not that the letters will be seen by our son while he is a child.... he will get them when he is older.

One of the reasons that adoptive families do not share letters early is that they may cease at some point.

[Italiangreyhound]

NM8448 I am sure you would not want the family to be obliged to do anything all I meant was that whatever adoptive parents say before they adopt they cannot be held to that, in reality.

Having said that our son's birth family have not responded to recent letters and we will continue to send them because we feel it is best for ds.

The idea about the birth parents writing to us is not that the letters will be seen by our son but that we can help him by dropping things into conversation, e.g. you like camping so did your birth mum etc.

I think anything you can pass on to your son about himself, his wider family etc, the better

[Cleo1303]

I completely understand that you don't want your baby to go through what you went through, although I'm sure he wouldn't if he stayed with you. You would make sure of that.

You are terrified of changing your mind as you say. You have some weeks to think about it. Just do what is right for you. I do think though that somehow you should get some specialist counselling about your whole life and experiences before you make a final decision.

Hugs.

[NM8448]

Hum,

You are absolutely right, I am worried about my partners feelings more than mine but that's because I can't do this on my own emotionally and he isn't emotionally available to support me with the baby.

I have secretly hoped for months his situation would stabilise enough to get us through but it just hasn't happened and is very unlikely to happen.

If one of us was stable and sorted emotionally we could pull this off but both being like this makes it impossible to cope with the practical things we need to overcome to make this work.

[Italiangreyhound]

NM8448 sorry I did not see your post about your family history when I posted about letterbox letters.

Can I just say that is a lot of information out there for anyone to read. I am sure no one would think it unusual if you asked for that post to be deleted and you know you can pm (private message) anyone on this thread who is reading and responding if you did feel you had shared too much.

But thank you for sharing this very complicated story.

Can I ask if you have had counselling for all this, not marriage or adoption counselling but specific counselling about this?

It seems you have been treated incredibly shittily by your mum and dad, and by your husband. Knowing all this only makes me want to say again, what is right for you, that is IMHO the most important thing.

[NM8448]

Italian,
I wouldn't want a way to force them and I wouldn't want any contact with baby as want them to bond with baby and him with them, adopted or not I want him to feel like they are his parents not us..

It would just be a polite request if they could just send us a pic of baby and an update on his wellbeing once a year that's it. I wondered as adoptive parents how they may feel about that request.


I wouldn't want to write back unless they asked me to, anything I have to say to baby I could write and keep myself until a time which he may choose to make contact as an adult but I also understand that he may choose to never make contact (that would really hurt but it's part of the reality of this situation).

[Humsta]

If only you could forget about the past, ignore tomorrow and just live this pregnancy one day at a time - you might just come out the other side.

Keep posting to get all the support you can from here - it's a start!

[Cleo1303]

NM, our posts crossed. Like Italiangreyhound I think you are underestimating how devastating this is going to be for you.

I do think you are more concerned about your partner than your baby.

It's your baby and your decision. I hope it works out for you both.

[Italiangreyhound]

send present tense, not sent!

[NM8448]

Cleo honestly no one has upset me at all, I'm frustrated with myself because I don't feel I'm explaining things well and although appreciate and feel totally humbled by all the care and concern people have expressed for me here. I just want you all to see the full picture..otherwise a lot of this does not make sense...

[Italiangreyhound]

Plus i think we who are expressing concerns are picking up that others are pressuring you, and that always feel difficult.

As an adoptive mum, and as a birth mum, I am sure your baby will find a caring home. Unfortunately, having only seen it from the side of the adopter I can't advise about the side you are looking at it from.

I can address your earlier questions about ...

Re " don't want contact with baby, I want him to bond with his adoptive parents but I would like a pic and a little letter from them once a year just letting me know he's ok and how he is doing.. Is that realistic? How would the adoptive parents cope with that request?"

We sent photos and a letter to our adopted son's birth mum. We are happy to do this. The birth parents have the option to write back to us. The letters are from us to birth parents and vice versa, not to our son (the son of all of of us). You can request this but ultimately if the adoptive parents choose not to do it, for whatever reason, then they cannot be forced to. Hopefully, many adoptive parents these days are willing to do this.

[NM8448]

Right now to my side of things...

You are all absolutely right... If I had support there is no way on earth I would give this baby up for adoption, I love him as much as I love my other children, he is part of me in every way, I am truly cherishing every moment he is with me and absolutely fall to pieces every time I thing about the day I will have to say goodbye... But the fact remains the same I don't have the support I need to raise him and give him a decent life.... I have loving friends and a good network of support at work where I have been treated really well and supported throughout the pregnancy so far..but I also have life experience that shows me how hard life is going to be for baby if I keep him...

I'm a baby born as a result of an affair between my mum and dad, she was young and naive he was married with 3 girls... I ended up being abandoned by him and resented by her... Was not allowed any contact with my 3 sisters from his side and my one brother from his marriage after my mum. Was told my exsistance was painful to the girls mum so I shouldn't try and contact them so I wouldn't upset her (this all turned out to be a pack of lies as met them and their mum 2 years ago and she is a wonderful person as are my two remaining living sisters), unfortunately they live in Italy so although they are flying in to support me during the birth of this baby they can't offer much other support because of their location. They are sad and hurt over their nephew being put up for adoption but understand from my childhood why I made that choice.

My mum went on to completely loose her senses and shot my dad when I was 18 months old because she couldn't cope with loosing him, he survived the shooting but died 18 months ago from complications he developed from that incident... I was "adopted" by my grandparents when my mum was in prison and was raised to believe that they were my parents and she was my sister. I had a great early childhood with them but when mum took me back at 8 years old so she could once again pursue my dad after finding out he had a new partner, was used as a weapon from then on, was resented by her because I didn't make dad stay with her (was told several times if I had been a boy he would have stayed) and I resented her because I missed and wanted to be back with my parents/grandparents....


The whole family was dragged through her messes and it caused so many problems, although I wasn't blamed for any of it, I was treated differently than the others because of the hassle my mum was creating...

Mum went on to eventually get married to someone else and now I have 2 twin brothers from that marriage too.. All my siblings have each other I am the only one with her and my dad in common and felt really lonely as a result.

My mum is not supportive of this pregnancy and has made that clear (but that's no surprise and I almost want to get baby as far away form her as possible anyway). My mums side of the family are scared because they think they will be reliving the same nightmare they lived with my mum with me and this baby so they cut me off as soon as they found out I was expecting this baby.. Don't blame them really but doesn't change the fact there will be no support from them...

I am totally emotionally alone and with baggage when it comes to raising this baby and won't even consider taking the risk of him growing up feeling like I did, he deserves much better than that.

Sorry about the life story.. I just want to explain where all this is coming from...and how deep it goes..

I am petrified of the idea of changing my mind that I won't even let it cross my thoughts for a second.

[Italiangreyhound]

NM8448 my only concern is for you to do what is right for you. If this is right for you, so be it. If you decided you could cope with baby then I think that would be best for you. I am sure baby will be fine where ever he goes.

I do worry you have underestimated how difficult this will be for you

Of course dad's care and are concerned and feel deep feelings for their children. And of course a dad who cares for his child can love just as much as a mum. But when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth and the very early days I do not think it is exactly the same for dads and mums. That may be why people are worried about you, here, and not your partner. Plus of course you are the poster here, not your partner, and so people are expressing concerns for you.

[Humsta]

I get your point that he's as emotionally involved as you - it's the easy route for me to assume this isn't a big deal for him too.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision when the time comes - and it's a shame you've got such shitty times to deal with now when it could be so different.

2/5/10 years down the line when things have moved on, hopefully you'll be in the right place.

[Cleo1303]

I am so sorry if I (we) have upset you by asking questions about your decision and circumstances. I know you came here simply for practical advice. We know this is probably the biggest decision you will make in your life.

You might find it difficult to believe that strangers care, but we do.

[NM8448]

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions.. I am processing it all
But I do want to also clarify a few things in the mean time

My partner is not coercing me or pressuring me into this at all, he is caring and supportive. He wants to be together no matter what, it's never been a question of giving baby up so we can be together and I wouldn't make such a decision based on a threat like that, if he had ever mentioned getting baby adopted or we would separate I guarantee you right now I would have had nothing to do with him, I just got out of a 15 year marriage to a man that had 10 affairs in the last 8 years and made me feel like complete rubbish so I am not going to put up with another man treating me badly or making me do anything I don't want to do... I won't be in a relationship where I am lied to, humiliated and genrally treated like a disposible nothing ever again.....

What I do feel is total respect for my partner for his honesty about what he can and can't cope with.. I can't even begin describing how upset and tearful he gets on occasions like scans and when we are alone and he's interacting with the little man and feeling kicks etc. He is going to be just as devastated as me about baby going but as he is the man in this situation for some reason everyone just focuses on my feelings while in reality he's truly suffering too. He is a very involved and wonderful father to his two girls and is the one who has done and still does most of their childcare, cooking, cleaning, school runs etc they are coping well with the divorce because he is the one being a parent right now while his ex has attempted to damaged them many times by using them to punish him for walking away from her.. She doesn't get that he left her and not them but she is deeply selfish and can only see the inconvenice to her life as opposed to their wellbeing.

Example of that, she will go out after work and drink with her friends and at weekends and be ok but when she has the girls she tells them how sad she is and how she can't cope because dad has a new girlfriend and he makes her sad etc... The girls are just 8 and 11 they should not be exposed to this kind of thing... The 8 year old called her dad in floods of tears just a couple of weeks ago because she blamed herself for asking her mum why she was sad and when the mum replied... Because daddy is away with is girlfriend and doesn't care about us anymore then blocked the girls from being able to call their father for the weekend yet the next weekend he had them all weekend while she went away with friends drinking and having fun.

He's having to cope with all of that and he's just put his hands up and honestly said he doesn't think he can also cope with raising the baby... She made it clear that her girls will not be allowed anywhere near his home if the baby stays, she won't allow the girls to have anything to do with the baby and although he is a great person he is simply too overwhelmed with everything to fight her on anything to do with that, partly because I know he feels guilty over walking away from the marriage.

He has told his girls about me and the baby and the adoption and they expressed that they wanted to meet me and baby when born but I am against the idea of meeting them however happy for them to meet baby.

My reasoning is that no matter how vile their mother is being right now she is their mother still and out of respect for that fact I won't meet her children without her approval, she has a right to decide who she wants in her children's life and I will never be that disrespectful to another mum, no matter what her behaviour is like.

So that's the full picture from my partners side.. He's got major life issues going on and isn't emotionally available to help me raise his son..and has been honest about that fact.

We will be living together at his place for the two weeks that baby is with us so we can have the time and privacy to say our goodbyes to him, my children will be with their father but will visit and his children will be with their mother and baby may be taken out to them so they can meet him without the need to meet me for reasons stated above.

[Humsta]

I echo all the fantastic comments here, particularly the one about wanting the results of an abortion but with an adoption.

It must be so emotionally exhausting for you but I really believe you could make it work with your baby and your existing family - even if the dad doesn't stick around.

You've got to do what you believe in your heart is right but the consequences would be life long for you and your baby. There are fab adopters out there but I feel that if you had more support you wouldn't be making this decision - I'm an adoptee though so am probably biased.

I wish you all the best.

[JustHappy3]

Just to say i keep thinking about you too. i think it's very telling that all of us who have adopted feel so very strongly about this.

[Cleo1303]

Italiangreyhound Thank you. I thought your middle-of-the-night posts were pretty amazing too.

I don't want to overload you MN8448 but like Italiangreyhound I've been thinking about this all day and another thought occurred to me:

If this little boy is adopted and then you and your partner stay together and decide to have a baby together in two or three years' time I just don't know how you would explain it if your adopted child contacts you in 18 years' time. How could you tell him he was the only one of eight siblings/half siblings who was given up? I don't think, "the timing wasn't right" would be okay somehow.

You must make the decision on what is best for you and your baby and what you really want, not be pushed into giving him up because it's more convenient for everyone else. I'm really beginning to think that most of the people around you are expecting that once your little boy has been adopted it will be "out of sight, out of mind" and it probably will be like that for most of them, but it won't be for you. Hugs.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi again, NM8448. I was going to come and say all kinds of stuff, been thinking about you all day (not in a creepy way!) but Cleo1303 has said all the things I wanted to say! Brilliant post.

Can I also add... I really think you need to decide this one without your partner. Your relationship is new, it may or may not work out. Your partner clearly feels (at the moment) he can't cope with raising a third child, but he may well not be around in the future.

He may decide he doesn't want to stay with you, you may decide you don't want to stay with him or you may both decide this, (or you may stay together), but if you go your separate ways you may find it very hard to know you gave up your baby party because of of his views.

[Cleo1303]

Hi NM, I truly think all the six siblings including your eldest DC would adapt and cope eventually. I don't know if your children have met DP's children yet as your relationship is so new but step families do have events/outings/family weddings where both sets will be there at the same time. The two sets of children adjust to each other in most cases and they should adjust to this baby.

There are also far more complicated families than that. A friend of my DD has one sister from her parents' marriage, but also a half-brother from her mother's first marriage, and two half-siblings from her father's subsequent marriage. Her parents' divorce was not amicable at all but the adults behave themselves as far as the children are concerned. They are all brothers and sisters.

Your partner has been honest as you say. Fact: He does not want to raise this baby. If you decide to keep the baby is he saying the relationship will be over and he won't be around? Does he think that once the baby has been given away you will be able to resume the happy days of your early courtship (sorry - old-fashioned word) and just carry on? That cannot happen. You are not going to up for much fun. You will be mourning your loss.

I'm glad you feel supported by him coming to the scans, appointments, etc., but I'm worried that if you give up the baby and are not much fun to be with he won't be around for long.

So, in answer to your question, what is better for all the kids? Ultimately I think your other children will be better off if you don't give their brother away. I think you will have a tough time financially and it will be a struggle but I'm equally sure any financial shortfall in their treats/days out will be met by their loving extended family.

You have involved your children in your pregnancy, even discussing his name. Apart from the eldest who is being tricky at the moment, they don't seem to be resentful and I don't believe they would be when he is born. I think your idea of keeping the baby with you for two weeks and letting them meet him and spend time with him and then giving him away could really distress them.

I think your baby will be better off with you even if it is tough for you because you clearly LOVE him so much. I don't think you really want to give him up. If you did you would not want that two weeks to bond with him, and that is what you would be doing.

If you do give him up it is more than likely he will be adopted by parents who really want him and will love and cherish him forever. He'll have a wonderful life and grow up feeling confident and happy. I know a number of families with adopted children and 99% of those are happy families with very much loved adopted children. But there was one adoptive mother I knew and was friends with (for a very short time)and she was such a selfish individual I wonder why she adopted in the first place. I never saw her show any warmth at all to her little girl. Wonderful lifestyle, but no warmth.

I do think it much more likely than not that your baby will be okay if he is adopted but I still think he would be better with you.