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Should I respect my family's wishes?
39

Stillonthescrapheap · 14/02/2021 18:21

Not a TAAT but another thread got me thinking. I am divorced and have moved closer to my parents. My parents would in no way approve of me starting another relationship. I've tried to discuss this with them but they just act obtuse. I was saying how I am finding it hard to meet people (pre-pandemic) and they were trying to get me to do an activity that is 90% over 80s and I said I didn't want to do it and I was hoping to meet people who are under 80 and they were saying what is wrong with 80 year olds and accusing me of turning up my nose at the activity. Essentially saying I was ageist for wanting to meet people my own age.

I've been trying to meet someone with no success.

More and more I have been feeling that my time has passed. I have aged terribly over the last couple of years, physically rather than appearance. It has gently been suggested to me that finding another relationship is not likely to happen. My parents are elderly but still independent. They could still go on for years, my mother maybe for 20.

Should I just respect their wishes and stay alone?

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Prokupatuscrakedatus · 14/02/2021 18:23

No, of course not.

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Stompythedinosaur · 14/02/2021 18:23

You can start a relationship (and make new friends too) at any age.

Ignore your parents!

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PanamaPattie · 14/02/2021 18:24

Nope. Stop telling them your wishes and dreams. They want you single and available so that you can be their full time carer.

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solicitoring · 14/02/2021 18:25

Your an adult. It's not their concern if you have a healthy consenting relationship. If you have a history of poor relationship choices then they might be concerned. Some elderly people get concerned that their children won't be able to carry out caring duties. Is that what is happening?

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Porridgeoat · 14/02/2021 18:25

I think you should get some nice hobbies and develop friendships and things you enjoy.

There’s someone for everyone. Don’t expect to be alone for ever

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CavernousScream · 14/02/2021 18:26

Is there some reason they would think it’s a bad idea for you to be in a new relationship? It’s very strange of them and obviously it’s not up to them and you should do what you want!

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User2941 · 14/02/2021 18:27

What? Sorry that sounds madness. Honestly so many ppl feel the way you do, I have been single 9 years, but I sure as hell am not giving up!

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Hotcuppatea · 14/02/2021 18:28

Huh? Why?

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Pluas · 14/02/2021 18:30

I don’t see what you starting a new relationship has to do with your parents. Is there a cultural element to this? Are you now being pigeonholed as the single daughter whose job is to nurse her parents in old age? That would still require you to go along with it, of course.

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AyyMacarena · 14/02/2021 18:32

What the fuck! Why do they want you to be alone? It's none of their business. Do not respect their wishes. You will, quite rightly, become resentful.

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HeddaGarbled · 14/02/2021 18:33

I think you should stop discussing it with them. The whole over 80’s activity/ageism argument was an argument you didn’t need to waste your breath on.

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Stillonthescrapheap · 14/02/2021 18:34

I think they think that because I am divorced it is a sign that I am not capable of being in a relationship. They know the circumstances of my divorce which were really beyond my control. I don't confide in them because they are quite formal. I think they have a sort of moral objection to me being in a relationship. They even offered to buy me a single bed!

The activities I am interested in are quite male-heavy and I think they think I want to do them just to pick up men rather than do the activity. I think they fear embarrassment locally from the thought of me sleeping around and they want me to be around for them.

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Alternista · 14/02/2021 18:35

Your parents want you to only meet people over 80??

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Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/02/2021 18:35

I have long stopped being concerned with what my parents think. If they had it their way I'd never have been a mum, never have got married, never have done anything.
I don't even listen any more just change the subject.

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Embroideredstars · 14/02/2021 18:37

What's it got to do with your parents?

It's none if their business who you have any type of relationship with. I'd just go out (when we can) meet new people, make new friends, try new activities, just see what happens in terms of a long term partner. Don't write yourself off, people get married in care homes in their 80s and 90s!

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Babysharkdoodoodood · 14/02/2021 18:41

How old are you?

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IstandwithJackieWeaver · 14/02/2021 18:44

What was the activity? Find an activity or hobby you enjoy for itself. Don't fixate on finding another relationship.

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ChaToilLeam · 14/02/2021 18:45

Why do you think you need their approval to do these activities, make friends or be in any kind of relationship? You’re an adult. You get to decide.

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Sylvac · 14/02/2021 18:48

@Alternista

Your parents want you to only meet people over 80??

To be fair
Short life expectancy- a new relationship may put a risk on the heart-if you get through 3 a year you could be a millionaire pretty quickly.

Just marry before you do the deed.
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Stillonthescrapheap · 14/02/2021 18:49

The activity was doing jigsaws at a day centre!

It would be to get out and meet people generally. Not specifically to meet men.

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HollowTalk · 14/02/2021 18:52

They wanted you to do jigsaws at a day centre for elderly people?!

Tell them to go and do them themselves, if that's what they want!

How old are you, OP? What's the activity you enjoy?

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WTFs · 14/02/2021 18:53

My mum is the same, she grimaces and tuts if I mention wanting to meet someone. Despite the fact that 40 years ago she left my dad and promptly moved in with someone else...apparently now Im divorced, I should stay single. I know why, it is because she doesn't want me to be happy too busy to visit. It is entirely selfish.

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2021 18:54

They want me to be around for them

Yes, I thought that would be the case Hmm

How old are you, OP, and are there cultural issues in play here?
Whatever the situation though, I'd recommend involving your parents much less in your personal decisions, hopefully keeping things loving and caring but with far fewer conversations about what you're up to in your private life

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Meowtha · 14/02/2021 18:56

How is what you do with your time/activities/relationships any of their business?

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Stillonthescrapheap · 14/02/2021 18:57

I don't think they thought for a minute that I would go and do the jigsaws. That is what I meant by being obtuse. All wide-eyed and making out they were trying to help.

I can't really do the things I enjoy due to DC but once I can leave them I hope to. It's things like cycling and hillwalking, which I am experienced in.

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