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Husband ruining all my plans
233

mrswormwood1 · 08/12/2021 09:48

Just need to moan and feel sorry for myself with you all! And possible hear someone call my husband a pig? Will definitely cheer me up 😂
My son is 2 and finally understands who Santa is and that Santa is gonna bring him presents this year..
I've been saving my pennies for months and been so careful about what gifts I pick for my son because I wanted things I know he would love and appreciate
I ended up with about 4 presents for him but each and every one was thought out and special..
I just want to make it a lovely memory for him and us..
only problem is my husband.
About a week or two ago I left my husband to watch my son for a couple hours while I went to the hospital for an appointment (pregnant) when I came back my husband had found a hidden presents and opened it and gave it to my son! I was a bit annoyed but not too unhappy as it was only a bubble bath set so not one of the main presents! This morning however I've woken up to my son playing with the most expensive and the present I was most excited about to see his reaction when he opens it on Christmas morning!
I've saved and shopped and planned everything to make this special and he keeps ruining it! I don't have a lot of money to keep replacing gifts at this rate my little one will have nothing left to open on Christmas Day..

OP's posts:
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WorkBitch · 08/12/2021 19:10

It sounds very much like your husband is a massive twat.

You’ve shown him the gift (which he told you you shouldn’t buy). He’s seen you excited about it & he’s ruined it for you & your son. He’s down this with 2 of the presents that you’ve scrimped & saved for.

Yes, potentially he might not remember as he is young, but it won’t be the same as what you’d hoped for. & what about next year? Or the year after?

I’d have massive problems with this alone op.

That’s before your comments about being controlling & loosing your friends.

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bellocchild · 08/12/2021 19:08

He wants your DC to regard him -and only him!- as the giver of Good Presents...this may be a hangover from his childhood, but I'd be worried.

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Kennykenkencat · 08/12/2021 18:53

I've always known he wasn't the best and that he could do better

I think you meant to say

I've always known he wasn't the best and that I could do better

Either the guy is really really stupid and/or really really lazy in which case I think you are never going to be in an equal partnership

Or he knows what he is doing in which case it is just spiteful and do you really want to be in a relationship with someone so nasty.

Next year he will be telling him that there is no Father Christmas.

I wonder what his reaction would be if you messed up one of his traditions.

Atm you are taking on all the mental load of running this family whilst he does what exactly?

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Hugoslavia · 08/12/2021 18:48

The pig!! What an absolute pig and arse!!! Seriously?!! Who does that and why? That's utterly bizarre.

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NotAshamedToFancyTheGrinch · 08/12/2021 18:30

Posst references deleted post Talk guidelines.

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Mirw · 08/12/2021 18:28

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

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NotAshamedToFancyTheGrinch · 08/12/2021 17:14

What's wrong with him? Why would he do that? That's really weird. Have you asked what goes through his stupid little brain when he does these things? Find a better hiding place or just ltb.

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Ourlady · 08/12/2021 16:16

Im so sorry you are married to such a prick. I hope you manage to make plans to leave him. He's nasty!

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LalalalalalaLand123 · 08/12/2021 16:16

Oh OP.....I had a feeling of where this thread might go, from your first post.....and sadly it seems to have gone that way. Other people will have good advice - all I can say is that you deserve happiness OP.

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EmmasMum12 · 08/12/2021 16:15

Wow. What an utterly dreadful man. Why do you stay with him?

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noottersontheflightdeck · 08/12/2021 16:13

pp might have mentioned but look up Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

I am so sorry - that was really mean of him

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BoredZelda · 08/12/2021 16:11

Unbelievable! The excuses are bad too.

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ladycarlotta · 08/12/2021 15:56

@mrswormwood1

I'm not saying that because he's a Muslim this is why he did this
My father is Muslim and I grew up with Islam for a part of my life
Somebody asked if he was Muslim so I simply confirmed it

Being a Muslim has absolutely nothing to do with how my husband acts and reacts to things in our life

I've always known he wasn't the best and that he could do better
I think it's been such a long time I have been dealing with him I've become numb to it? I make excuses for him in every day life all the time
Friends and family have distanced themselves from me
I know he manipulates me and is controlling and he has slowly over the years pulled me deeper and deeper in

I know most of the things I am being told on here
I just don't know where to go from here

Again
Thank you for your comments

OP, you are really brave and strong to be confronting this. It is so insidious. You don't have to have all the answers right now, just keep retaining your sense of self and personal value. You sound like a really thoughtful mum and a lovely person - there will be plenty of other women here who can give you advice on how to safely proceed from this point, but accepting that he's shitting all over you and you deserve much better is your first step along the road.
Big supportive thoughts for you, I hope there's someone in your life who can give you a hug xx
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Arethechildreninbedyet · 08/12/2021 15:48

@PocketPenny

My husband is Muslim too and I can imagine him (and his family) doing something like this. Not maliciously but from not grasping the sentimentality of it all. If they knew there was something nice in the cupboard for our daughter, they would simply get it out to cheer her up. I could see them doing this with Ramadan/Eid gifts too. I would still be very upset though, particularly if I had explained it recently!

I keep seeing this stated across a number of social media platforms that people from other cultures don't 'get keeping Christmas presents' and each time it's completely an excusal for poor behaviour.

Your husband's religion has nothing to do with this. It would be malicious, as well as thoughtless and rude.

I am not Jewish but I wouldn't give all the Chanukah gifts on the first night, nor would I mix milk and meat foods/cooking implements and I'm not Muslim but I wouldn't feed someone who was fasting nor would I feed them pork/non halal food. It's about having respect for the people we care about and understanding other cultures/traditions.

Christmas is very much a Cultural tradition, as important as Eid, Diwali, Yom Kipur etc. To be married to someone and not support and partake in their celebrations is both cunty and outlandishly disrespectful.

Your husband knows how much Christmas means to you, therefore if he were to give Christmas presents before Christmas he's purposely going against something that's important to you!

That's not OK and you shouldn't excuse that just because they weren't raised with that celebration. They celebrate it now and should respect the traditions that mean a lot to their partner.

Fucks me off that we excuse shitness as cultural differences/confusion. It's not, you deserve better.
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Pennythoughts28 · 08/12/2021 15:47

I completely understand why you are upset and if it helps yeah your husband's kind of a pig , why would he do that , I would not be happy at all , especially considering he seems.to give him the gifts while you aren't there to see his reaction.i would be livid

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BlusteringBoobies · 08/12/2021 15:38

I think people are getting hung up after OP mentioned he was Muslim

OP never at all suggested that this was the reason he didn't celebrate Christmas nor said it was the cause of his behaviour. The reason he doesn't celebrate is down to bad childhood experiences

Only when other posters suggested they had found information that he was Muslim and subtly accused OP of lying did she confirm he was a Muslim but, again, reiterated his religion was not the issue, his behaviour was

I think people need to step away from his religion and accusing Op of using it as an excuse WHICH SHE FUNDAMENTALLY HASN'T and get back to the issue of his behaviour.

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smoko · 08/12/2021 15:34

Wait, he's muslim now?

OP first said he didn't celebrate Xmas because him mum abandoned him & dad remarried a teenager, so he didn't celebrate it

Him being Muslim doesn't mean he doesn't know what Xmas is. He might not respect Xmas/Christian traditions, but being Muslim does not mean you're ignorant to the traditions of the Western culture you live in.

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ftw163532 · 08/12/2021 15:29

Speaking to Women's Aid would be a good first step.

Or enrol on the Freedom Programme course.

Anything to take a step forward. You only have to take one step at a time.

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MzHz · 08/12/2021 15:28

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

But this was a bit contrived. He deliberately did this.

My ex was Muslim. I am Muslim. Being Muslim has nothing to do with it.
I'm trying hard not to be highly irritated that this is even mentioned as an extenuating factor!!!

Given what I've been through with my ex, in his country etc I can honestly say that i loathed pretty much every second of my life there with him. the only highlights were spent with people that were not him or his countrymen.

BUT even I know that this is not a Muslim thing, this is a shitty arsehole bloke thing.

@mrswormwood1 we are here, we have walked in your shoes, and we kept walking, and we are on the other side and we are happy, our kids are happy. birthdays are celebrated, we are proud that our kids are not mini versions of their lazy arse dads. We are proud of the wonderful happy, kind and considerate young people they have become because WE raised them. Let the truth sink in, he did this on purpose to ruin your christmas, he will do it again and again. make this the last time he does this, next year he'll be living somewhere else and you will be in a better place altogether.
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MzHz · 08/12/2021 15:20

@NettleTea

my ex used to sabotage anything that wasnt all about him. I didnt see it at first and excused him because, he too, came from a culture where they didnt really (I believed) celebrate Christmas or birthdays. But he sure as hell celebrated the ones he wanted to. just not mine, or anyones that wasnt his.

Me and @NettleTea have lots in common, she knows this ((HUG)), and i can vouch for this too.

It's like a compulsion for them and this is him showing you who he is in clear unhidden terms. You KNOW what he's doing, you might not want to accept it, or truly process what it means, but i swear to god, this was one of the key reasons I left DS dad. Who the fuck would ruin christmas or sulk on your kids first memorable christmas/birthday.

He'd spoil any birthday or event in the smallest most micro passive aggressive ways imaginable

This is symptomatic of what he is, he's also making you poorer by wasting your money/causing more spend. It won't get any better - not unless yougo mega nuclear now as an outside and very long shot way of shocking him back to how things need to be.
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diddl · 08/12/2021 15:11

@PocketPenny

My husband is Muslim too and I can imagine him (and his family) doing something like this. Not maliciously but from not grasping the sentimentality of it all. If they knew there was something nice in the cupboard for our daughter, they would simply get it out to cheer her up. I could see them doing this with Ramadan/Eid gifts too. I would still be very upset though, particularly if I had explained it recently!

But if they knew that you had put it away for a day that was important to you then they wouldn't do it would they?
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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/12/2021 15:08

@Happy1982ish the first time was when she had a hospital appointment and he gave the son bubblebath present. The second time, he was leaving for work, the son had followed him crying. She was still in bed and woke up to find he'd given the son a second present to stop him crying.

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Happy1982ish · 08/12/2021 14:34

@mrswormwood1

Yes he is Muslim
Yes he is lazy and inconsiderate
I was in the house when this happened he wasn't leaving the child alone but my son usually follows him around in the morning and normally gets upset when his dad leaves for work

So you hasn’t left him to go to the hospital app?
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LostForIdeas · 08/12/2021 14:32

I know most of the things I am being told on here
I just don't know where to go from here

You leave with your son.

Serioulsy, I've read your posts in utter disbelief. He KNOWS. He knows what he is doing. He knows they were presents for christas. He knows it was carefully chosen suropirse for your ds you wanted to share at christmas. And as you said in your title, he purposely destroyed everything.

You need to start talking about it in RL.
You need support from famikty and friends.
You need to talk about all the other things he does (you know what you refer to when you talked about the tip of the iceberg)

Because your relationhsip is dysfunctionalk at best if not absuive towards you and towards you ds.
Unfortunately, I suspect this is the latter.

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AmIgoinghomeforXmas · 08/12/2021 14:26

Reading through OP it seems clear that the present is just the last symptom of a really unhealthy relationship and that you already know this.
This man is actively sabotaging your relationship with your child.

Start reaching out to your friends and family.

There are lots of experienced people on here who can help you move on without having this damaging person in your home and daily life.

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