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My ExP was a sex offender
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GarethKeenan · 25/06/2022 20:31

I don't know if this is allowed, but there always seems to be a lot of curiosity and questions whenever I mention this IRL. My ex was arrested for sex crimes when I had been with him for six years.

I find that in the media and in general society there's always this idea that their partners must have known and condoned or ignored it. I have had lots of contact with partners and former partners of sex offenders through a support group and I don't find that to be true in many cases. There's also very little knowledge of what partners and children go through when someone is accused of/charged with sex crimes.

AMA

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Twinkle1989 · 25/06/2022 20:32

What were the crimes?

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007DoubleOSeven · 25/06/2022 20:33

I'm sorry, that must have been an awful shock.

Was he honest with you when he was found out or did he try to deny it?

And were there every any consent issues in your relationship?

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DenholmElliot1 · 25/06/2022 20:34

What did he do?

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BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/06/2022 20:34

Did you receive any backlash from family, friends or anyone who knew you’d been in a relationship with a sex offender?

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notapizzaeater · 25/06/2022 20:44

Did you immediacy believe it and leave him?

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Childbeinganiggtmare · 25/06/2022 21:10

Do you have children yourself?

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GarethKeenan · 25/06/2022 21:13

Twinkle1989 · 25/06/2022 20:32

What were the crimes?

5 counts of indecent assault against a minor
3 counts of statutory rape
4 counts of unlawful sexual intercourse

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HollowTalk · 25/06/2022 21:16

Did you discover this while you were still with him? Did you have any doubts about him before you discovered it?

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GarethKeenan · 25/06/2022 21:17

007DoubleOSeven · 25/06/2022 20:33

I'm sorry, that must have been an awful shock.

Was he honest with you when he was found out or did he try to deny it?

And were there every any consent issues in your relationship?

He was totally honest about what he had don't but tried to make it out to be not a crime. As in "I did sleep with that underaged girl, yes, but it was totally consensual and in fact, she took advantage of me"
He had a whole story about how his divorce from his wife made him sad and she comforted him, being his best mate's daughter she was over a lot. I didn't know her, this went on in the year before I met him. But he said he always knew this was coming back to haunt him one day. I remember saying "thanks for dragging me along for the ride then!" He really did see the effect and damage done to me as acceptable collateral damage.

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GarethKeenan · 25/06/2022 21:20

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/06/2022 20:34

Did you receive any backlash from family, friends or anyone who knew you’d been in a relationship with a sex offender?

Absolutely. Loads.

We were actually really rocky at the time and he wasn't living with me. People would shove letters through my door thinking he still lived there, someone scratched offensive words into the bonnet of my car. A family member said she couldn't even look at me as she doesn't know how I can have shared a bed with such a sicko. I didn't know!! Not at all! I made him move out because he cheated on me with a workmate. A 30 odd year old woman. I never once thought he would have had what he described as "a relationship" with a young teen.

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GarethKeenan · 25/06/2022 21:22

notapizzaeater · 25/06/2022 20:44

Did you immediacy believe it and leave him?

Yes. Two reasons for that. One, he didn't deny it, so there wasn't any doubt in my mind. Two, I had children. There was no way I was going to keep them around him, even though they were biologically his. He forfeited his right to play any part in their lives, especially as he knew he was going to make this horror show of a court case a part of it one day.

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GarethKeenan · 25/06/2022 21:22

Childbeinganiggtmare · 25/06/2022 21:10

Do you have children yourself?

Yep, two. Both his

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GarethKeenan · 25/06/2022 21:25

HollowTalk · 25/06/2022 21:16

Did you discover this while you were still with him? Did you have any doubts about him before you discovered it?

I found out he was an absolute liar because of his affairs and gaslighting, and he was also suddenly getting very....unpleasant sexually. So I threw him out and told him to work on himself. It was only a few weeks later that he was arrested. Plain clothes police officers came to my house and asked me lots of questions about him sexually. I wondered in the months after if his recent turn into being sexually weird was because he knew he was going to be arrested. Maybe she had contacted him and told him she was going to the police.

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MuchTooTired · 25/06/2022 21:29

I’m so sorry this happened to you. How are you now?

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GarethKeenan · 25/06/2022 21:32

MuchTooTired · 25/06/2022 21:29

I’m so sorry this happened to you. How are you now?

I'm fine. I got married 4 years after he was sent to prison, to a lovely man with a very checkable past and who has raised my children with me. They call him dad, they've no interest in their father and he's not laid eyes on them in a decade. They don't ask after him, they don't care. But they don't know what he did. I don't want them to know until after they've finished secondary school. I don't want it being any part of who they think they are.

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hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 25/06/2022 21:35

Were you contacted by the family or friends of the victim at any point?

Did you give evidence in court?

What will be the situation around contact with your children in future - if he wanted contact do you know what social services would say?

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GarethKeenan · 25/06/2022 22:04

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 25/06/2022 21:35

Were you contacted by the family or friends of the victim at any point?

Did you give evidence in court?

What will be the situation around contact with your children in future - if he wanted contact do you know what social services would say?

He hasn't tried contacting the children in ten years and since I told his parole officer that if he didn't bother me I wouldn't pursue maintenance, I doubt he ever will. He always valued his ability to buy tobacco and luxuries for himself much higher than any people in his life, so I feel quite secure. Social services would not support contact in any case. Not even in a contact centre.

I was contacted by friends of the victim, and then after the court case I was contacted by the victim to ask if I had been told anything about early release. I did get kept a little up to date about these things by the police, so I told her everything I knew as soon as I knew it.

I did have to go to court. I was subpoenaed. I cannot see how asking me to go to court helped him at all. I think it was meant to prove that he had reformed himself and had a normal family life? But all it did was show him to be an absolute liar. I believe that he thought I would lie about how lovely he was and try to keep him out of prison for the children's sake. I didn't.

I had to move, change schools and playgroups, change jobs, change my car.... people associated my house with him and they associated me with him. I had terrifying messages on social media and even to my personal phone telling me they were going to break into my house and drag him out of bed. I kept telling them he wasn't there, we weren't together and they just kept threatening.

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Eileen101 · 29/06/2022 19:37

Blimey, I'm sorry to hear you received so much backlash from family.

How are they with you now? Do they realise now that you didn't know?

How long was he sentenced to?

Did you lose friends over it?

Do your children ask about their biological father?

Flowers

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GarethKeenan · 29/06/2022 20:55

@Eileen101

My family know I knew nothing about it. They knew then as well, they just wouldn't even be in a room with him to register their disgust, so they aimed it all at me as the person who had shared a bed with him for years. Phrases like "I think I'd scrub have my skin off in the shower knowing I'd let that paedo touch me." And, "the kind of stain that never comes off." It's been years but I remember those words and I still hear them. I think I learnt a lot of harsh lessons about the kind of support my family wanted to give me. Lessons I didn't deserve.

I didn't lose any friends- he did. Lots. But I didn't.

He was sentenced under an old law because they couldn't prove conclusively that any of his offending took place after May 2004. They had his confession and her proven evidence for everything before that month and year , but as soon as he had legal advice he backtracked on the timeline and the prosecution couldn't make it stick. He should have got 13 years. He got 16 months.

And no, the kids never ask about him.

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Rahrahrahrahannoyed · 29/06/2022 21:09

You brilliant, brave woman.
I'm so happy you didn't lose any friends but very sad that people were cruel to you.

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KL29 · 06/07/2022 11:01

Are you in the UK? You’ve used lots of American language that we don’t use in the British CJS.

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GarethKeenan · 06/07/2022 12:28

Yes, U.K.

Is it because I said parole instead of probation?

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Mememene · 06/07/2022 12:33

Just to say my heart goes out to you and to your children.

I'm so sorry that people made you a victim of his offending.

What a disgusting pig, but if you didn't know, that's on him and him alone.

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altmember · 06/07/2022 12:57

I was contacted by friends of the victim, and then after the court case I was contacted by the victim to ask if I had been told anything about early release. I did get kept a little up to date about these things by the police, so I told her everything I knew as soon as I knew it.

Seems a bit off that the police kept you up to date about this stuff and not the victim? Or did it transpire that she already knew everything you did anyway?

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cheshirebloke · 06/07/2022 13:32

When I was a teenager in the 90's these kind of 'relationships' between young teenage girls and much older men was common. As a teenager at the time, it was so considered utterly normal that the girls would be 'dating' adult men. The girls would brag about it and try and out compete each other to see how old they could go, or how many married men they could pull. I remember one girl in particular openly discussing how her married with kids boyfriend in his late 30's would buy her expensive presents. The other girls were in awe, while most of the lads were cringing.

Not blaming the girls at all, it was youthful naivety and they were clearly being taken advantage of. At the time, some of the parents seemed to be approving of/enabling their daughter's relationships with older men (although not the married ones, more just lads in their 20's). With hindsight, not sure they were actually approving, or just resigned to not being able to prevent it and it seeming preferable that their daughters weren't hiding what they were up to. Some parents might have been naive to their daughters being sexually active, but others knew the score - marching them to the gp to get them on the pill.

One of my friend's brothers at the time was 18 and had a 12 year old girlfriend. He was quite immature, but still, we all winced at that.

I'm guessing all this wasn't unique to the 90's - but I wonder if things have improved now? Have attitudes really changed, or have I just grown older and looking at it from a different viewpoint now I have a teenage daughter of my own? Are teenage girls better/successfully educated that sexual relationships with adult men are inappropriate, that these men are predatory? Are there less offending men about themselves, now the legal penalties are higher?

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