Talk Round-up: the really quite good stuff you might've missed
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"I was walking in my local park this morning," began donemekmelarf, "and overheard a woman calling 'Barnstaple! Barnstaple! Come here now, Barnstaple!'"
Sadly for us, she hadn't stumbled across a child called Barnstaple (just imagine the baby names thread) but rather a dog with that moniker.
Which begs the question, what is the daftest thing you can call a dog?
gemmalou123 got the ball rolling: "My 'unusual' aunt named her stupid snappy spaniel 'Black Knight of Devonshire.'"
Buttwing offered up the rather inspired "Deefa. As in deefa dog."
SunshineAndShadows caused a sharp intake of breath by revealing that she knew a dog called "Bastard. Yes, really."
Isthatwhatdemonsdo breezily smoothed things over by announcing, "I knew a labrador called Jeffery Tunnel," which is much more wholesome.
"We have a very scruffy mutt called Archie, and we once met a vair, vair posh woman in a park who also had an Archie," chimed in spiderlight. "She looked down her nose at ours and said, 'short for Archibald? Mine is short for Versace.'"
<clutches pearl dog collar>
"Do spiders poo?" asked ZadokTheBeast. Enquiring minds (ie her three-year-old) wanted to know, y'see.
hiddenhome lept into action like a woman who'd just been waiting for a chance to talk about spider poo (we like her style).
"YES. My pet house spider (God rest her soul) had a poo corner." Aww, just like Winnie the Pooh.
"I googled it. There's a video of a black widow doing a poo, if you are interested." We ARE, thanks Zebda <sprints over to YouTube>.
Pancakeflipper had more spider trivia for us: "They poo and regenerate a leg..."
What, at the same time?
"...if a leg gets so damaged it won't work." Oh.
TribbleNamedDave was hot on her heels with this fascinating fact: "Did you know that jellyfish have an orifice that functions as both a mouth and an anus? They have a mouthbum," she concluded, scientifically.
PlumpingThePartTimeMother then threw this disquieting question into the mix.
"Does Postman Pat poo? DS1 asked this once and I've always wondered."
<confused and unsettled silence>
And now, shocking utterances from the mouths of babes (via their mums typing on Mumsnet).
"We had fish and chips from the 'shit shot', according to my two-year-old twins," admitted MiloCat.
"DD recently told my brother that we took a 'short-cunt' to get to ballet," added Zamboni, blushing.
"Obviously wellies are willies." Well OBVIOUSLY, ShadyMyLady.
"My favourite instance of mispronunciation is my DD singing Wind the Bobbin Up: 'Pull, pull, crap crap crap'. Which sums up my exact thoughts on the matter," said Remembermyname grimly.
We leave you with this gem from elQuintoConyo. "DS is three-and-a-half years old, and has only recently called his teacher by her proper name.
"Her name is Begoña (beh-gone-ya). DS was pronouncing it 'big-con-ya'. Which for any non-Spanish speakers reading, means 'big fanny'."
The phrase '¿Quisiste ser tan grosero?'* springs to mind.
*Translation: Did you mean to be so rude?
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"Duck in garden, chilling out." Right.
"Dog at back door, wanting to eat duck." Uh oh.
"Is there a technique, a noise or activity I can perform to get it to fly away?"
"Wave plum sauce at it?" suggested TheSkiingGardener, with a hungry glint in her eye.
But Goose preferred a more slapstick approach. "Have just chased the duck around the apple tree. I suspect the duck was enjoying itself. I was pretending to be Benny Hill - it was that sort of chase."
QueefOfTheDamned urged Goose to be firm: "Take out a roasting tin and an orange."
But before you could say 'preheat the oven to 200 degrees', it was all over.
"There was a stand-off. Seriously - when did ducks get so full of self-importance?
"Took dog out on lead. Dog was in full 'eat the duck' mode. There was a lengthy pause and then the bloody duck turned round and shat in our general direction.
"Then followed more comedy circling of the apple tree. Was on the cusp of letting the dog go, when duck decided enough with the dog taunting, and flew off."
Ducking hell - what a palaver.
“When I was a child I wished I could have crutches,” sighed VixxFace wistfully. "I was jealous of people in school being on them."
Which is pretty normal compared to Gilbertina, who admitted that when she was young she wanted, "a tiny (matchbox-sized) real person I could be horrid to.”
“I wanted to be short sighted. Not for the glasses, but so I would squint in a cool way.” We hope your Clint Eastwood dreams came true, lordStrange.
“I wanted buck teeth - long rabbity ones that rested on my lower lip, because a girl I knew had them and I thought she looked fab,” admitted squidgyapple.
“I wanted big bags under my eyes like an old lady. I spent ages pulling the skin under my eyes trying to form them. What was I thinking?! Two small non-sleepers mean I'm making good progress towards achieving my childhood goal.”
We’re so happy for you, poppetina.
"Do you wash your keys? DH thinks I'm strange for doing so. Am I?" asked JuanPotatoTwo anxiously, possibly while clutching her house keys and some anti-bac.
Juan's admission opened the door <arf> to some sniggering from other MNers.
“I only wash the ones to my fluffy handcuffs,” replied patterkiller, archly.
Things were much more spartan in the PelvicFloorClenchReminder household: “Mine only get a wee whisper of WD40 on their birthday.”
"I was wondering if washing your keys was a euphemism," said Preminstreltension. "In which case yes of course I do, who do you think I am?
"If not, then no, obviously."
Just when we were slowly adjusting to the idea of key cleansing, TapDancingMollusc piped up, and took things to a new level.
"I've ironed bank notes before. The ATM dished out old battered notes that looked scruffy and I was going to an expensive wine bar... I didn't use starch though."
Now that is an entirely different thread altogether - "AIBU to launder my money?"
15 May 2015
"Take that lamp post out of your mouth." Not a sentence SoupDragon ever thought she'd have to say, but she wasn't the only one to have found herself saying something unexpected this week.
Case in point - GayByrne, who caught herself uttering the immortal words, "don't you dare poo on that dog".
OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias, meanwhile, created a new pop hit.
"DS and I found ourselves singing, "I kissed the cat, I liked it, she smelled a bit like cat sick". Sounds eminently sane (and quite catchy) to us.
Tigresswoods appeared to be organising a family day out-cum-bank robbery: "Right, you get the baby ready and I'll get the guns."
"DD, why is there a panda in your nappy?" TuckingFablet has yet to update the thread with an answer to this pressing question - more on this story as it develops.
Now, let's dive into the fascinating morass that is Mumsnetters' collective unconcious. First up on the couch...
"Last night I dreamt I was in the kitchen, and someone was demonstrating how to boil hedgehogs."
Uh-huh <makes note on pad> - and how does that make you feel, Snoozybird?
"I dreamt about a tiny monkey wearing a Liverpool football shirt, which it took off to reveal a tiny six-pack. I was so surprised I shouted 'that monkey has a six-pack!' out loud, much to DH's amusement."
<sucks air in between teeth> Ah, the classic monkey six-pack complex! This signifies so much Mumbledore.
"I once had a dream that I was the main guy in Grand Theft Auto. I was shagging a girl but couldn't finish and I had to go to court. Once in court, I ejaculated over the entire room. I'm female by the way."
<yawns> Perfectly normal SevTSnape - nothing to be concerned about.
According to Noellefielding, hell is empty: all the devils are here, driving ice cream vans.
“The ice cream van comes every night in the summer at 7pm, playing the devil's own music,” she lamented. And, from the sound of it, there's a veritable plague of overzealous and slightly intimidating ice cream vans sweeping the country.
“We have one that comes all year round and plays the Godfather theme,” said awombwithaview. “We call it the crack van," she added ominously.
Royalsighness related this disquieting tale of a turf war:
“When I was young, we had an ice cream man who was always a bit dodgy - but he was a lovely man and would always wave at us.
“One day I was at a friend’s house, and he parked up to sell ice cream on what turned out to be another ice cream man’s turf. They had a massive fight in the street over whose area it was. One of them lost an ear.”
I scream, you scream, we ALL scream at the sight of the ice cream man’s dismembered ear...
8 May 2015
Are you worried that you're weird? Don't be - Mumsnetters are far weirder than you'll ever be.
"I pair socks onto the washing line, and any rogue odd socks must hang either indoors, or at the far end, so the other socks don't get ideas about going solo. Also, pants must hang with the crotch facing away from the house, so pantness can't blow into the house." Sounds perfectly sensible, InMySpareTime.
"When washing and preparing DS's bottles I sometimes pretend I'm a wizard (ok... I pretend to be Professor Snape) preparing magic potions." 10 points to Slytherin and ILiveOnABuildsite.
EdYouKateShaun has a charming equestrian fantasy, "I pretend that I'm riding a galloping horse during long journeys. I sometimes catch myself leaning forward for a big jump."
"When I see large grassy hills I imagine eating them with a giant spoon." Er... sounds delicious, PetiteBateau.
"If I don't love you, I won't eat your cheese. It's a trust thing." Is cheese a euphemism, exWifebeginsat40?
"Is it safe to mix Tic Tacs?" asked TiggyD, earnestly.
"I mean the orange/lime and cherry/passion ones. Nothing weird involving mint. Or will bad things happen? I've got two big boxes and I'm thinking of mixing."
"I think it's fine to mix them in the container," mused RealHousewifeOfSheffield. "But not in your mouth, obvs. Just take them one at a time and it should be fine OP."
Oh, how naive...
"Play with feathers and you'll get your arse tickled," warned MishMooshAndMogwai.
"No!" thundered Timeforabiscuit. "Tic Tacs are segregated in their clear plastic prisons for a reason!
"Cherry and passion fruit Tic Tacs get along fine, put a rogue mint in there - the consequences are disastrous."
Luckily, SoldierBear was on hand to provide some rigorous scientific analysis:
"The lime/cherry combo is risky in terms of interrupting the space-time continuum, whereas lime/passion brings on uncontrollable farting within 23.9 seconds.
"Don't they teach ANYTHING in schools these days? This was all dealt with under the infamous Spangle disaster of 1974 when thousands of children mixed Olde English flavours with Buttermints and their ears pinged out at right angles to their heads."
"I'm so glad I've seen this," said newfavouritething in shocked tones. "I was thinking of mixing apple and cherry. I now see the foolish error of my ways and will bury them under the patio (in separate boxes, of course)."
Remember kids - just say NO.
Mumsnet is a circle of trust, support and love. Now, with this in mind, tell us about your most bonkers sex dream, you adorably deranged and horny goons.
"Mr Bean," confessed LaurieFairyCake. "He made his little weird noises and everything. He had a magnificent [REDACTED]."
"Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," admitted Icecreamkitty, blushing. "I mean, objectively, he's not even the sexiest ninja turtle."
"Mine was actually about DH, but it involved intimately massaging him with harissa. It must have bloody hurt!" added ouryve.
"This wasn't me..." pssh yeah right Preminstreltension "...but a male friend once had a dream he was on a giant pink mountain, which started moving up and down. Then he realised he had shrunk to tiny size and it wasn't a mountain - he was actually perched on the Rev Ian Paisley's shoulder while the Rev made love to his wife."
Now let's raise a toast <snigger> to the Queen of bonkers sex dreams RadioProtector, and "a giant piece of really buttery toast. It lay on top of me and was squashing me uncomfortably.
"I really felt weird when I woke up."
And with that radiant image, we bid you goodnight and sweet dreams.
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1 May 2015
It's time for a thrilling True Crime story, from MurielWoods.
"I helped myself to a stranger's popcorn last night,"<shocked gasp>.
"I'm in the cinema - friend sat to my left and a stranger on my right. Halfway through the film, the woman on my right bent towards the floor, and as she did so her left arm which was holding a box of popcorn, shot towards me.
"In my absent state of mind I shoved my hand into the box and grabbed a huge handful.
"I had somehow managed to mistake her for my friend, and conveniently overlook the fact that neither of us had purchased any food at the cinema anyway. I didn't know what to do with it - it seems rude to start eating it, so I just sat there.
"About 15 mins later she hesitantly started to eat her popcorn, so taking my cue from her, I started to eat mine
But Muriel wasn't the only one to have committed a cinematic faux pas <looks pointedly at RevoltingPeasant>.
"The last time I went to the cinema I needed a wee halfway through (I was massively pregnant).
"I tried to crouch and dash unobtrusively down the centre aisle, but missed the turn off for the exit door and kept going till confronted with the actual screen.
"So the audience had a brief glimpse of a hulkingly pregnant woman running orangutan-style towards the screen before apparently being startled by it and running in the same fashion out of the theatre."
What a beautiful image.
Warning: do not read the following if you're planning on eating porridge soon.
"There's a mouse in the Cheerios," wailed TuckingFablet.
"I opened the box, only to be greeted by a furry creature sitting in there. Naturally, I ran round screaming before throwing the whole thing outside in the garden. 16-month-old DD found it hilarious."
Still, that's nothing compared to lostinindia, who had this
revolting sorry tale.
"I found half a flattened mouse in the bottom of my porridge packet. I'd been picking out grey bits for a few days prior, just thinking it was weird porridge."
<boak> You'll never think of lumpy porridge in the same way again.
"This reminds me of my friend who was on holiday with her parents in France," piped up InYearAdmissions. "Her dad, who hasn't got the best eyesight, did all the washing up with what he thought was a sponge before realising it was in fact a drowned mouse that had been floating in the sink."
"On the plus side, it got the dishes squeaky clean," pointed out Jasonandyawegunorts cheerfully.
"Why is irritating one's children so much fun?" asked MaddingCrowd. We can't tell you why, but MNers have some brilliant tips on how to do it.
"I have a onesie song, which starts off 'I'm having funsie in my onesie'," trilled LoveVintage. "Oh how I laugh as the teenage sons run off screaming."
"Teenagers are brilliantly easy to wind up," she reflected. "Sometimes the mere fact of being in the same room as them is sufficient."
"When my kids were smaller and wanted something, I coached them to say, 'Please lovely mummy, centre of my universe, light of my life, fount of all knowledge'. In fact, now they are (nearly) adult they still use the phrase if they want to borrow the car or need some cash." We like your style, ISingSoprano.
But don't feel you need to limit yourself to just annoying your kids - why not follow FretYeNotAllIsShiny's example?
"I've taught our three-year-old to call her mother 'Steve'."
<kisses fingertips> Inspired.
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