Talk Round-up: the really quite good stuff you might've missed

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28 August

The school holidays give one such a fascinating insight into one’s children, don’t they?

"DS: Mam, mam, mam, mam… guess what?!
Me: What?
DS : Potato!

"Repeat fifty billion times… gawd help me. Roll on September," muttered Gatekeeper.

MummyPig24 has come up with an ingenious plan to avoid endless mithering.

"I told my DCs I am changing my name. I am no longer called Mummy but I won't tell them my new name. They are driving me insane. It's a slow death."

Unfortunately, this advice came too late for vvviola, who had been subjected to her DD2's jokes, including:

"'What did the cat say to the house? Biscuit!'

"She says them with such a serious look on her face that you get the vague feeling you've missed something completely profound…"

LaContessaDiPlump agreed. "I told DH all of the jokes on this thread last night and he laughed at nearly all of them. Maybe we're missing something?"

"Last night, when I was asleep in bed, a spider crawled across my face. I grabbed it and threw it across the room. Then couldn't find it when I turned the light on. I am still shuddering and retching at the memory of it."

Don’t worry ALickAndAPromise, Mumsnetters will be along soon with some sensible advice.

"You need to set your bedroom on fire," came the immediate reply of darksideofthemooncup.


"I once woke up to something warm and furry sat on my face. Similarly to ALickAndAPromise, I grabbed said intruder and threw it across the room," added RockerMummy184.

"I switched the light on to find it was the hamster that had escaped from its cage." (Don’t worry, MNers, no hamsters were harmed during the making of this week’s Talk Round-up.)

We’re afraid life is just one long, fraught battle with various furry, leggy creatures. Take it from LemonRedwood...

"I once held my cat up to a massive spider sitting on the living room wall in the hope he would eat it. Cat flicked at spider with his paw and it went straight down my top. I flung cat across the room in the ensuing panic."

"DH has just text to say that he took his lunchbox out of his bag at work and there was a sanitary towel stuck to it," announced a shamefaced JenniferYellowHat1980.

"I thought love notes in lunchbags were cringey. This is a bit worse." Yeah, just a bit Snozberry.

Luckily Every1KnowsJeffHesUsuallyACunt was on hand with a similar story to share the shame.

"Went to a garden centre for lunch, DS was playing just under the table between my feet while we finished our coffee.

"Next thing you know, out he pops and his entire head was covered in sanitary towels, face, hair, the lot!"

Aw, like a wee sanpro Jack-In-The-Box!

Surely no-one can top that in terms of embarrassment?

"One of my male neighbours had knocked at the door for some reason while my daughter was going through my drawers. She came leaping down the stairs with my bullet, threw it on the floor and shouted 'look Mum a hexbug!'. I stood there dying of shame while the thing vibrated round the hallway. The neighbour made a quick exit."

We stand corrected. Thanks thisisabullache!

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14 August

"I know someone who has an orangery. Apparently the difference between an orangery and a conservatory is that an orangery has a glass roof and a conservatory has a plastic one," began Hygge.

"If anybody calls it a conservatory she corrects them, complete with a full explanation. Every. Single. Time. She gets this twitchy look on her face whenever she's asked if she grows oranges in it though."

Unfortuellment (that's French, darlings) there seems to be beaucoup de bolleux being spouted these days. Take it from RockerMummy184.

"Our local newsagents once advertised for 'Media Distribution Staff'." That's a paper boy/girl, to you and me. 

But then things became a touch vulgar (you know what the hoi polloi are like).

"My parents called their cupboard under the stairs The Glory Hole," added Salmotrutta

<clutches pearls>

"HELP! DP is trouserless in Edinburgh!" cried DioneTheDiabolist

"Due to idiocy/absent-mindedness, my DP has lost his only pair of trousers and is now wandering around Edinburgh in a Superman onesie."

Ah, we've all been there. 

"If he's Superman, he could fly home in the onesie," pointed out readyforno2 sensibly. 

"If he finds a pair of trousers, can he change into them in a phone box? Like a kind of reverse superhero," asked GinBunny

"Should we just raise a glass and sing 'Donald where's your troosers'," mooted elephantoverthehill

Meanwhile, Shodan was already thinking of the big-screen adaptation. 

"Trouserless in Edinburgh. The sequel to Sleepless in Seattle."

"DD is two and I've just popped in to check she's still wearing her nappy. I found her clutching an armband," said a bemused SunnyL

"Do anyone else's kids take random things to bed, or do I have a complete oddball on my hands?"

An armband is practically logical compared to what Armi's daughter snuggles with.

"She used to take an empty bubble bath container (test tube shaped, covered in glitter) to bed. It was her sister, apparently. She was called Claudia."

"DS got rather attached to some boil-in-the-bag basmati rice that ended up in bed with him on more than one occasion. He loved that bag of rice. It went everywhere with him for a while, that is until he took it in the bath. RIP Ricey," added a misty eyed BeerHunter

"An old acquaintance of mine has a son (now adult) who used to take a pet cabbage to bed every night. She used to have to slip in while he was asleep and change it for a fresh one every so often,". 

We assume gobbin means that she changed the cabbage...

7 August

"The postman has just seen me naked," announced a flustered suitsyou.

"I didn't know if I should run away and subject him to my wobbly arse, or continue and showcase my unkempt vagina and crazy boobs - so I just... stood still.

"I'm very pregnant, so not even at my physical peak. I haven't seen my fanjo for the last 10 weeks - it's anyone's guess what's going on down there."

Well, if you're curious, you now know someone who's had an excellent view. 

"Loads of strangers are going to be looking at your fanjo in a few weeks," reminded NoMontagues. "Think of this as a practice run."

"My postman saw me giving birth," added RapidlyOscillating, with an air of one-upmanship.

"We'd left the door ajar for the midwife in case she made it in time. I was with a paramedic, giving birth at the top of the stairs, and the postman wandered in calling, 'Anyone in?'. I was literally birthing down the stairs towards the paramedic. The first thing I said when the midwife arrived was: 'The postman saw my bum!'"

Special delivery indeed.

"Now, I must go and put my lipstick on and heat up my husband's towel," purred SueSueMcGrew.

Do not adjust your set - Mumsnetters have stumbled across a blog entitled '85 Ways to Show You Love Him' (eg "Thank your husband for being the leader in your home"), and they had some quite strong opinions about the whole thing.

One of the not-at-all-bonkers suggestions for showing your hubby how much you care is to "make his favorite dessert within his sight, wearing something just for him" - which squoosh cannily decoded for us as "basically, smear blancmange all over your surrendered wife titties".

Following the blog's advice, some Mumsnetters texted their leaders, thanking them sincerely for their contribution to family life. 

"I thanked him for being a great provider, husband and father," reported Cocolepew. "He replied, 'What have you done?'." 

"I just sent mine a text thanking him for being a great leader. His reply: 'You're on Mumsnet again, aren't you, and this is a test.'"

Powaqa - he's a keeper. TREASURE him. 

GhostlyFigureAtTheEndOfYourBed has witnessed something strange.

"I live in a farm and these past few nights I swear I have seen my scarecrow come to life. He shakes his hand and feet and sings while his hat is flopping about. Really scared me, though I suppose it's good for scaring the crows! WWYD?"

Turns out she wasn't the only one with a nursery rhyme-esque problem in her life, as EvansOvalPiesYumYum reported: "Our cat has gone missing, last seen with an owl, apparently! (Of all things) I'm also about to report a burglary - a jar of honey and a five pound note have been stolen."

Meanwhile FadedRed had a nuisance neighbour:

"WWYD? A neighbour of ours, lives alone, runs around the town in his night wear, banging on windows and doors, shouting at people to get out of bed because it's after 8 o'clock! Even at the weekend when it's my only chance for a bit of a lie-in, ffs! Should I call 101 or the council?"

And Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g just wanting some architectural advice: 

"AIBU to build my new house of straw? I've heard it's one of the best building materials from a green point of view. For similar reasons, my DB is building his house out of sticks. Unfortunately, our other DB won't stop going on about the threat from wolves huffing and puffing, and insists on building his house out of boring old bricks. I mean, wolves! Who ever heard of a wolf attack, let alone a huffing and puffing attack!"

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Last updated: almost 3 years ago