17 insults you'll only hear from a furious child

In our children's worlds, withholding chocolate cake is a heinous crime – don't be surprised if they tell The Man. Who The Man is, we haven't quite established - but if you're being a poo splat, be prepared to incur his wrath…

1. I'm moving to Ireland!

"Said by my son, who I laughed at when he fell over (he wasn't hurt). He's now mumbling about mums, and how they'll laugh at anything."



2. I'll tell The Man!

"My sister, when we were little, to my mum, who was laughing at her for having spaghetti in her eyebrows."


3. I'm going to bed - don't even think about coming up to tuck me in or give me a kiss.

"As if going to bed early and giving me some extra peace and quiet was going to make me regret telling them off!"

grumpy cat


4. "Daddy, go to your room and think about it!" <marches dad to bedroom, turns to me triumphantly> "That worked!"

"Turns out my son was a Supernanny in a previous life..."


5. I'm going to get you done!

"I don't know who these kids think I'm getting 'done' by, but it makes them feel better to have a bit of a rant."

evil monkey


6. You <points and pauses for dramatic effect> are a little Lord Jesus!



7. It's my life!

"He's only six..." 


8. You're not coming to my party.

"So, if I'm not coming, who's arranging it, hey? Hey?"

lisa kudrow


9. I'll do big poos in your bed.

"My niece threatened her mum with this because she wouldn't give her another biscuit. My sister was genuinely worried she might carry out the threat."


10. You… you… poo splat!

"Followed by stomping out of the room and slamming the door."

anchorman will ferrell


11. I'm going to turn you into a pumpkin and spoon out your face!

"Said to my husband, who was busy carving a pumpkin, when he said we were going trick or treating an hour later than planned."


12. I'm just a little boy; I don't know the rules.

home alone 


13. You don't love me, and you've never liked me.

"Said by my son, to DH, after a minor disagreement over Nutella."


14. When I grow up, I won't marry you.

jennifer lawrence 


15. You've ruined my life!

"Said by my five-year-old son when I refused his request for chocolate cake."


16. I'm telling the RSPB about you! <slams bedroom door>



17. I won't love you for eight Christmases.

"When it was pointed out that, in which case, he wouldn't get presents for eight Christmases, he stomped upstairs and wrote me a note that read:

I won't love you 'til May
I won't love you 'til June
I won't love you 'til July
Whatever the hell it is

I roared with laughter. I don't think that was the intended response."


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Last updated: over 1 year ago