14 ways to alienate your wedding guests

Planning on tying the knot this summer? Here's how to make maximum impact on your special, special day

1. Start early

"You should really plan your day for three years' time, so that guests are supremely fed up with your bridezilla behaviour before they even get to the wedding. This sets the right tone, I think, for such a wonderful event."

2. Steal ALL the thunder

"When deciding upon a date, you need a close relative - ideally a sibling - to have already announced their wedding date. You can then set yours for a few weeks before. For maximum thunder-stealing, you need to ensure that you find out what the other bride will be wearing, what colour the bridesmaids will wear, what hymns they have planned - and then do exactly the same for your own wedding."

3. Chose a really awkward venue

"Hold the wedding in the Caribbean at Christmas and insist that everyone must go."

4. Don't forget your girls

"Make sure you have bridesmaids who are polar opposites, e.g size 16 with massive boobs/size 6 with no boobs. Then make them both wear a dress that is only suitable for the size 6 one."

5. Insist on matchy-matchy 

"Insist that everyone wears clothes from your chosen colour palette."

6. Be clear on what you expect

"Insert dreadful/witty poem inside the invitations, asking for cash in order to fulfil your lifelong ambition of staying in a suite at the Bellagio in Las Vegas."

"Definitely do the 'oh please don't buy us a gift as we have everything we could possibly need, our love is all that we desire' - then in the invite include one of those delightful poems asking for cash."

7. Demand a ludicrously expensive stag or hen do

"Make sure your husband-to-be has a stag WEEKEND in Amsterdam, which starts on Thursday so everyone has to take two days off work. They should stay in a really expensive hotel and there must be activities like quad-biking and abseiling and so on, and nights out in really expensive bars. The whole weekend should set everyone back a couple of grand."

8. Take your time

"Photos must take all afternoon, with bride and groom spirited away to mystery locations for three hours for soft-focus shots."

9. Get the alcohol ratio wrong 

"It is vitally important when you keep your guests waiting for six hours for their dinner, that you serve bucks fizz/pimm's and lemonade/have an open bar, because then you can gurantee that at least one fight will ensue."

"Have plenty of booze for the top table, one bottle of wine per six for everyone else and no bar."

10. Don't quality control the best man

"The best man should have ideally never attended a wedding and should make numerous references to top shelf magazines throughout the speech."

11. Insist on a flashmob

"Have a staged dance! Maybe Thriller, complete with zombie actions. Make your guests sign a contract to say they'll participate and be filmed for Youtube."

12. Let your guests know they've disappointed you

"I recently attended an ex-colleague's wedding where, in response to a request for cash gifts, I sent what I thought was a pretty decent cheque (£100 if it matters, though I can't help feeling it shouldn't)

Last night I received an email which opened with a few comments about how glad they were to see everybody and how generous they'd all been, then said "we were surprised that your contribution didn't seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position, if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received." 

13. You can even make your disappointment rhyme

"I went to a wedding this weekend. We had to buy our own evening meal and the invitation said 'no presents please, cash gifts only'. There was a wishing well at the reception to put cash into (ringing the bell as you did). 
This morning I received this corker...

Cash we asked for because cash we need
For our kitchen to proceed
Having checked our wishing well
We think some people might not have rung the bell.
If you’re one who has forgotten
Don’t sit at home feeling rotten
Just use the bank details at the end of this ditty
And you can still contribute to our kitchen kitty."

14. Remember - it's YOUR day

"Above all, ensure that it is utterly devoid of any spontaneity, pleasure and/or style. Make it clear it's all about YOU and YOUR SPECIAL DAY."

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Last updated: about 2 years ago