The 12 best questions asked on Mumsnet in 2015

From the social politics of Peppa Pig to inventive uses for a penis sheath, Mumsnetters found the answer to every conceivable type of question this year

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Question 1: Is it unreasonable to ask a nun to get out of your seat on the train

"She's reserved herself a seat in heaven, not on the 16.10 to Victoria. Tell her to move."

Question 2: What would your father do if you were kidnapped by Parisian sex traffickers?

"He'd tell me it was all my fault and that if I had stayed in to study computational physics, wearing a Fair Isle cardigan, it wouldn't have happened."

"He'd have unleashed my mum on the bastards and let her sort it out in her own formidable, furious, murderous way."

Question 3: What have you only just realised you've been wrong about your whole life?

"Apparently my dad didn't write all the songs by The Beatles. He told me he did, and he knew all the words, so it seemed to make sense. I was older than I should have been before I realised it was bollocks."

"I thought AW15 was a London postcode. I also thought that when people say 'on aggregate' with regard to football, they're talking about the surface they played on. Like AstroTurf or something."

Question 4: What's the worst thing you've done as a result of child-induced fatigue?

"I tried to take the wrong baby home once, when I'd left my son in a creche. A lady had to point out that the baby I was picking up wasn't mine, and that mine was in the corner."

"With my first child I was so tired that when she fell asleep in the pram I lay down on the pavement next to her, and seriously considered going to sleep myself. It was raining quite heavily."

Question 5: Is it unreasonable to report the lollipop lady for being too nice?

"What you need in a lollipop lady is rigid, German efficiency - parents and children ushered across at a forced march. I want shouting, hand signals and kids and parents running across the crossing. Not the nice old lady handing out hugs and good mornings."

Question 6: How has your day been, in haiku form?

"Pass me the choclut

If you call me fat again

I'll terminate you."

"Ah so much to do

Too knackered to enjoy day

Some other fucker do it."

Question 7: What the hell is a thumb labrador?

"It's the shape your thumb makes when you are using your phone in the dark, if it is poised above the screen ready to type. Every single time I use my phone in bed and look at the shape of the thumb backlit by the phone I think, ah, there's the thumb labrador again. I defy you not to see it."

Question 8: WTF does one do with a 12-inch penis sheath? 

"I've exhausted the obvious option, which was to turn the dog into a unicorn. Wtf do I do with a 12" penis sheath?"

"You could go all Blue Peter and make a space rocket with the judicious application of cut-up cereal boxes and sticky-backed plastic."

Question 9: Has my father-in-law ordered a cock ring under an alias?

"A neighbour's vibrating cock ring has been delivered to me by mistake. I know this because my naughty dogs have ripped the envelope open. On one side there was a bereavement at the weekend, and on the other side live... my ex-in-laws."

"I'd thread it onto the dog's collar and walk him around nonchalantly. Then gauge where the biggest look of shock comes from, et voila. If asked, just claim it's the latest in dog location technology: he buzzes when you clap your hands."

Question 10. Which inanimate object regularly picks fights with you?

"Henry. I hate his smug face. And the way he gets stuck behind doors and topples over. I kick him and call him a bastard."

Question 11: What's the deal with all the different animals in Peppa Pig?

"How come the ducks/fish/chickens etc are just normal animals, yet everyone else is human-like?"

"There's an episode where a barbecue catches fire; I'd love to know what they were cooking - was it pork sausages and beef burgers?"

And finally <drumroll> question 12: What does my daughter mean when she's yelling "HOT TITS"?

"She seems to be inclined to shout it whenever we're in relatively quiet places, like on the bus, or in the children's section of the library."

"My daughter shouts 'Let's play hide and seek, you cunt'. I've tried teaching her to say 'I'll hide' instead, but no. She's pretty bossy too, so it sounds as if she's saying it in context. I just smile at horrified onlookers now."

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Last updated: over 2 years ago