Happy Halloween: 10 real-life parenting nightmares

Who needs horror films when these things ACTUALLY HAPPENED?

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1. Cat chic

"My cousin overheard her daughter say, 'Oh kitty, you so pretty now' - and then realised that both the cat and her new Dior lipstick were missing…"


2. Self-taught stylists

"Mummy… I been a hairdwesser. Look at my hair."

3. Zealous cleaners

"Disembodied voice from downstairs while I am upstairs on the loo: 'I'm just going to Hoover the cat, ok?'. Never moved so fast…"

4. Improvised toilets

"Heard while in B&Q with inattentive parents: 'I needed a poo but it's OK - I found toilet all by my own'."

5. Impromptu murals

"Look Mummeeeee! I drawed you luffly picture! The wall is sooooooo pwetty now!" 


6. Missing, presumed lost


"Mummy, mummy - I did a poo on my potty, but I've lost it!"


7. Poonamis

"My son got badly constipated and a friend did some reflexology nonsense on him, to no discernible effect until three days later. I was changing his nappy and he just let fly (think muck spreader). When it stopped I shouted for my husband, who then had to clean the outline of his wife in poo off the wall."

8. Seedy baths

"I was loading the washing machine and thought, 'they're very quiet'. Went into the conservatory to find them sitting - no, swimming - in a pile of peanuts and birdseed. They'd emptied two huge bags of the stuff."


9. Morbid thoughts

"My brother went in one morning to get my niece - who at that time was four - up for nursery, to find her lying awake looking at the ceiling arms crossed over her chest. Not unreasonably he asked what she was up to. Without even looking at him she gave a big sigh and said, 'Just thinking about dead people daddy'." 


10. And finally ... self-service snacking

"My eight-month-old son was playing happily on the floor while I fed his twin sister and read MN carefully supervised him. He crawled across the floor giggling and squealing, picked something up and put it in his mouth, then turned round to grin at me. There were massive legs hanging out of the corner of his mouth... I grabbed him and pulled out the offending article, to discover he'd had a munch on a huge spider which now appears to be missing a couple of legs. Spider is still alive."

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Last updated: over 3 years ago