14 funny moments that happened during childbirth
1. "Offering my fanjo up for inspection to a very embarrassed male cleaner."
2. "My friend was being given an internal examination by the midwife and found it so painful she clamped her legs shut, trapping the midwife. Apparently she kept saying, 'you have to open your legs and let me get my hand out'."
3. "The midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically, and at one point I said nine. She rushed up to give me some Entonox, but I was actually just telling my husband what the missing number was on his Sudoku."
4. "Me, legs up in stirrups - gleeful in my pain-free status. DH at the head end. Midwife at the business end. All waiting for the contraction. Midwife proclaims, 'that's a big gap'. I get indignant and cross, thinking she's referring to my <ahem> anatomy."
5. "The midwives had quite a chortle at the point when I was bellowing at the top of my voice, 'THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THE FUCKING HYPNOBIRTHING VIDEOS'."
6. "Attempting to ride the birthing ball like a space hopper down the midwife-led unit."
7. "On too much gas and air - refusing to believe that DD had been born and asking them to check up my fanjo to see if she was really out."
8. "High on gas and air, I must have been dreaming about the food I had put in the freezer. Shaking DH by the arm and saying, 'Nick, Nick...' Him: 'yes.' Me: 'But what about the haddock?'"
9. "Asking for a dog instead of a baby."
10. "I have no recollection of this, but my DH swears that around six or seven hours into labour with no pain relief, I gestured to him to get closer, put my face two inches away from his, and whispered in true Hannibal Lecter fashion, 'I am going to kill you'."
11. "My ex-DH was asked by the midwife to help by mopping my brow. I wondered what was going on, and realised he had stuck a sanitary towel on my head."
12. "Home birth. Twelve hours in. 7cm dilated, contractions every minute or so. Phone rings and DH answers: 'Hello? Oh, right. Yes, hang on, I'll just pass you over [tries to hand phone to me] - it's the bank.' I look at the midwife. The midwife looks at me. We both look at DH. DH takes phone back. 'I'm sorry, could you ring back another time? She's having a baby at the moment.'"
13. "DH to me: 'Breathe! Remember your breathing!' Me to DH: 'I am fucking breathing! Now fuck off!' He went and read the Guardian for a while."
14. "Poo is what springs to mind."
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Last updated: 3 months ago