Ways to get revenge on your children

boy under duvet

Revenge is a dish best served cold – but there's no harm in planning in advance. Here's how to get your own back on your children for all those years of FUN

Ruin their enjoyment of hot beverages forever

hot beverages

“I will never, ever, EVER let them drink a cup of tea while it's hot. Occasionally they can have it while it's tepid. Mostly it will be stone cold.”

Sabotage their culinary dreams

woman disgusted

“If I get invited round for tea, I'm going to poke at whatever they've cooked, loudly shout 'what's THAT?!' and then refuse to eat it as it looks like puke.”

Have a tantrum at the slightest provocation

veruca salt tantrum

“Bananas are going to be a great source of revenge. I'm going to throw myself on the floor and be inconsolable for 20 minutes every time one doesn't open the right way, is too squishy, or (heaven forbid) breaks.”

Lie flagrantly, at every opportunity


“I shall tear their sellotape into tiny little pieces and stick it all over their sitting room carpet. When they ask who did it, I shall tell them it was the cat.”

One word: glitter

revenge glitter

“I'll empty a 1kg tin of glitter over their carpets. Our house still had a suspicious shimmer to it when we moved out two years after a similar incident. The cats were glittering like mobile Christmas cards for a month or so.”

Enjoy being 'challenging'


“With no warning or prior discussion, I will start screaming at maximum volume that I want to go to the park. When my child readily agrees to take me to the park, I'll become absolutely hysterical and wail that I don't want to go. When they say that's fine, I'll puddle on the floor and scream that I do want to go now.”

Nessun Dorma (no one sleeps)

no one sleeps

“I'm going to charge into their bedrooms at 5am to ask very important questions such as 'do dogs have cheeks?', and 'why is salt white?'”

Thrill them with your bathroom habits

bathroom habits

“I'm going to wait until they are a couple of bites into a delicious meal and then insist they come to the bathroom with me to watch me do a poo.”

But remember, some acts of retribution are just too cruel

co-sleeping poke in eye

“I think insisting on sleeping horizontally in their bed with them and waking them up every night at 2am and 5am with a nipple twist is probably a step too far.”