Reasons my child hates me
Roll up for every parent's favourite game – Reasons Why My Child Hates Me Today…
Because we're not palaeontologists
“Because the pancake I made him in the requested shape of a T rex looks more like a velociraptor. (It doesn't.)”
Because… just because
“11-year-old: because there's no pot noodles.
Three-year-old: because I made her put her shoes on to walk to the car, which was a travesty as she 'already weared them today'.
One-year-old: because I blew his nose.
That's three out of four. Disappointingly I haven't felt nine-year-old's hatred today; must try harder.”
Because we're the wrong person
“Because there were no lollies for dinner and because I am not daddy.”
And they're the wrong species
“Because I won't let her chew on the dog's blanket.”
Because we value our sight
“Because I wouldn't let him poke me in my eye.”
Because we're not plumbers… or pilots… or millionaires
“Because the taps in the IKEA kitchen don't work.”
“Because I couldn't make an aeroplane come back.”
“My 12-year-old hates me because I won't buy her an iPhone 6. I have no idea how difficult this makes her life. She has an iPhone 5c, but apparently for a child that is tantamount to child abuse.”
Because we're not psychic
“Because I gave him milk in the purple cup that he'd chosen himself just two minutes before, when apparently I should've known he now wanted his milk in a red cup.”
Because we don't take cars seriously enough
“Because I spoke over a critical plot point of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”
“Because I wouldn't let her drive the car – she is six.”
Because… who knows?
“I'm not sure why my daughter hates me today, but she's not speaking to me. I went into her room and she waved her flute at me and ordered, 'Be off!'”
Because we're alive
“Because I'm breathing. Or at least that's how it feels.”