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10 reasons why every parent dreads swimming lessons

Kids at swimming lesson

Yes, they're important but that doesn't mean they're always enjoyable

They cost two arms and two legs
Children throwing money

“With the money I’ve spent on swimming lessons, I could have built a pool in my back garden and taught the kids myself.”

Things can get a bit bumpy
Bumpy ride

“Verrucas. There are verrucas f*cking everywhere. It’s like they’re compulsory in order to partake in the lessons. Swimming pools are plague pits.”

They’re petri-fying
Petri dish

“Urgh, the awful moistness everywhere. It’s like walking around inside a petri dish for an hour .”

Hot flushes are unavoidable
Hot woman

“I break out out into a menopausal sweat the minute I cross the threshold of the pool building – and I’m only 28.”

They’re lengthy
Michael Phelps

“Been at it seven years and they still haven’t got the hang of it – I’m not interested in Olympic swimmers, I just don’t want them to drown.”

Too many body parts, too little space
Kids in pool

“All those people. All those feet. All those bodies. All those fannies and willies. All swishing about in the same water. I feel ill just thinking about it.”

Breaking the enigma code is easier than dressing a wet child
Benedict Cumberbatch enigma

“The kids spend about 20 seconds in the pool and three hours in the hot, clammy changing room after. Hell on earth.”

Let’s be honest, most some of it feels pointless
Stop it

“I stopped at the point where they started perfecting my daughter’s butterfly stroke.”

Is there anything good about them?
Rihanna bored

“I get no joy from sitting on a dirty balcony, with parents I don’t know, watching 20 kids splash and splutter in a pool. The whole place is dirty, unsalubrious, smelly, cold, uncomfortable and decidedly unhygienic.”

And when you think things can’t get any worse…
Unimpressed child

“A kid shits in the pool every single time I take my children for a lesson. Every. Single. Time.”