You know you're a parent when...


Although everyone's experience of parenthood is different, it's fair to say that there's a whole lot that unites us, too. Such as being unable to recall the last time we had a bath without removing an entire alphabet of foam letters, two flannels and a plastic submarine from the tub first. Here are some other tell-tales signs that you're responsible for a small human.

You never wake alone


“I can't count the number of times I've woken up with Lego pieces in my bed.”

Your vocabulary has taken an unexpected turn

potty mouth

“I'm regularly saying things like 'Don't touch the poo!'”

…And there's one word you use more than any other


“'No' accounts for 25% of my vocabulary.”

Anything small and sentient gets the baby treatment

cat cuddle

“I now rock the cat, pat its bum and go 'shhhh' when it comes up for a cuddle.”

You're essentially a walking tissue

Emma Stone saying ew

“My shoulders and legs are always a bit crusty from having noses wiped on them.”

You forget who you're talking to


“I'll often say 'Look! A tractor' and then realise I have a work colleague in my car – not my tractor-mad little boy.”

Children's TV is the new norm

how did my life come to this

“I'll be about to go to bed when I realise I've watched a whole evening's worth of Cartoon Network on my own because I'm so used to having it on that it didn't occur to me to turn over.”

You refer to yourself in the third person


“I always catch myself saying 'Mummy is just going to the loo, darling, are you coming too?'”

Your memory fails you

i forgot

“I can never remember my own name or that my partner ever had a name before he became ‘Daddy’.”

…But your reactions are on point

go me

“In the early months I would wake up every time my husband moved to stop him rolling off the bed.”

You're ready for any spill or stain

be prepared

“I've realised that I'll never, ever be without a pack of wet wipes for the rest of my life.”

…And you aren't fazed by vomit, either

who am i

“I'm pleased when I catch my child's sick in my hands.”