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11 things that are only true when you're potty training

Toddler in toilet

Nobody said it would be easy, but nobody said your hair would be full of poo and wee either. Here's the honest (and horrible) truth about potty training

1. You and your partner will talk about nothing else
Couple in Paris

“I didn’t know there were so many discussions you could have about poo – my husband and I were stood looking at the Eiffel Tower once, debating our toddler’s bowel movements.”

2. Your child will never need the toilet – until it’s too late
Shocked baby

“I think during potty training, a thousand wees went on my carpets and about two went into the bowl. And I could guarantee there’d be a poo in her pants approximately three seconds after I took her off.”

3. Everyone's an expert
Woman with fingers in ears

“The more your child poos on the floor, the less you want to know about everyone else’s kids who know how to perfectly use a potty.”

4. Apart from you
Big Daddy

“First child: four months. Second child: he’s ten and I still don’t consider him properly trained.”

5. Boys cannot aim
Bullseye toilet

“We have sticky notes telling him where to aim but without fail, there’s always more wee on the bowl than actually in it.”

6. Nor can girls
Little girl on potty

“I don’t understand – she sits on the potty, she wees. HOW DOES IT END UP ON MY CARPET?”

7. Prepare to lower your standards
Mrs Doubtfire hoovering

“I once found a piece of poo in my hair – I just pulled it out and carried on hoovering.”

8. Bribery is life
Little boy covered in chocolate

“I went against all my parenting instincts and used chocolate buttons to get her onto the toilet – it worked.”

9. You will cry
Sansa crying

“It’s hard work and some days you’ll just want to curl up in a ball and cry, and that’s fine – providing someone else is there looking after the baby and cleaning up his poo.”

10. And you will drink more gin
Marilyn Monroe drinking

“When you’ve spent all day cleaning up piss and poo, sometimes the only answer is gin. I glugged it down with gratitude and gusto.”

11. But the day they finally get it, will be the best of your life
Happy woman

“I was happier the day my child had no accidents than I was the day I got married. True story.”