Ten things you never thought you'd have to do as a parent

Cheeky boy

We prepared for trouble, tears and tantrums but nothing could prepare us for this. WARNING: do not read on if you're TTC

1. Go to a garage for a haircut
Woman chopping hair

“I've just had to CUT A CAR out of my hair.”

2. Explain that what goes in, has to come out

Boy on toilet

“Tell my three-year-old to not put his finger in his bum when he's sat on the toilet.”

3. Apologise for UFOs


“Apologise to the neighbours when my toddler threw his pants (wet ones because he had dipped them in the paddling pool) over the fence while they were having al fresco dinner.”

4. Explain why traffic and genitalia don't mix

Boy with lorry

“Say the phrase 'son, stop rubbing your willy on that lorry'.”

5. Apologise to your pets – daily


“Pull a baby wipe out of my dog’s arse.”

6. See above


“Literally just told my son not to stab the cat with scissors.”

7. Contemplate getting in the dishwasher

Pasta in ear

“Pick pasta out of my earhole after it being vomited in by my seven-month-old.”

8. Take a (barf) bullet for a friend

I didn't sign up for this

“Catch an eruption of toddler Ribena sick in my dress before it hit a friend's cream carpet.”

9. Sample faeces

Woman retching

“Have poo in my mouth. My newborn sharted so hard it went everywhere, including my mouth.”

10. Explain why public transport isn't food

Boy pulling tongues

“Tell my son to stop licking the bus and get his willy out of the Lego.”