Help my adult son is being bullied at work.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I feel so helpless, I can't go round there and knock her lights out as he's an adult but my motherly instinct to protect him is strong.
He's worked in a government office for 12 years, always had great performance reviews but he does have a history of mental illness that so far has been controlled very well, there was a very serious suicide attempt 14 years ago but somehow he survived.
Roll on the last few months he has a new female manager, young inexperienced, lots of red flags with regard to her behaviour and things she says about other employees, really unprofessional things. She sounds like a total sociopath.
She has bullied him so badly he is suicidal again, she says occupational health can overturn his doctors letter saying he is not fit for work, that he has to call her once a week for a two hour frilling on his performance and if he is unable to finish due to distress they have to continue the next day.
He is seriously mentally ill and just can't cope with his, he is on the phone every night saying he can't cope any more.
Like every seasoned sociopath she is seen to send him sympathetic emails but says she doesn't give him permission to record these interviews, that he cannot have anyone with him, he must be alone when she calls and I can see he is slowly losing his mind.
I don't know what to do or how to help him, surely she can't be allowed to fire questions at him for 2 hours while he is ill like this, he can barely remember his own name.
Does anyone know what the legal stance is on this.
She tells HR that she is "helping" him, she isn't. I listened into to one of these conversations and it was awful that a mentally ill person would have to go through this.
i just don't know what to do, it's distressing for the whole family and we are so worried about him.

[PastaAndPizzaPlease]

It sounds like the best option for your son in the short term would be to be signed off sick.

However, your post raises some red flags. Saying you want to knock her out makes me thing you’re not seeing this very rationally. There’s nothing wrong with a two hour meeting to discuss performance, I have these regularly with my manager. He might not have had them before, but every manager is different. If he’s feeling grilled, is that accurate or how he feels because he’s struggling?

It’s also not unreasonable to need to continue a meeting the next day if he’s too distressed to continue. If anything, that’s even more reason to finish and find out what’s going on.

She’s not out of line to not want to be recorded, that’s her right.

When you say he must be alone and can’t have someone with him - who is it he wants with him? If it’s you, then she’s in the right. If it’s a union rep, OT or something like that, he might have more of a right, but depends on his job. Does it include confidential information?

Has he spoken to HR, or his union to get advice? It’s not clear anywhere on your post whether he’s actually said he’s struggling with it.

[PastaAndPizzaPlease]

Honestly though if he can barely remember his own name, get him signed off sick, let him recover from this relapse and then address work when he’s feeling better.

If he’s really struggling, he needs less on his plate, not to be trying to manage what’s already on there.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

He is off sick Pasta, he been signed off sick for a month and will probably need more. He's been put onto SSRI's and valium and there is talk of having him admitted to a psychiatric ward.
She's been ringing him at home when he's off sick grilling him about his performance but he isn't well enough right now.
I am being irrational because he almost died last time and I can't go through that again. I had police on my doorstep telling me that he was unlikely to survive the night.
Surely she should not be insisting on a two hour performance review when he is off sick and severely mentally unwell?

[Coronawireless]

Yes, it is sad for him and you but if he is not currently fit to work then he shouldn’t be there. It is unfair on his co-workers and clearly very stressful for him.

[Claphands]

Is he in a union? She certainly shouldn’t be hounding him whilst he’s off sick, nor be overbearing whilst in work. You need someone to represent him and be the in between.

[Coronawireless]

Sorry - cross post.

[ShadesOfMagenta]

You need to step in here and call the HR department and tell them what you’ve told us here.

If it was me I’d be calling and emailing this woman too & telling her to leave my son the fuck alone.

[ShadesOfMagenta]

Some people here don’t seem to have picked up that this man is signed off sick and is suicidal!

[AppleKatie]

This sounds like hugely inappropriate conduct from her.

Can you help him to write to her senior to report the harassment whilst off sick? Is he well enough to be able to articulate how her aggressive tone is affecting him?

If you cannot support him to do this so it seems to be coming from you I would suggest speaking to his GP and seeing if they can write to his employer.

[StateOfTheUterus]

Whaaat? That sounds very odd. Would he let you intercept the calls for you to say he is too unwell to talk to anyone?

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

She's been telling him she can get OH to overturn his sickness certificate so he won't be paid. This can't be right? or even legal.
He knows he has to check in with his manager once a week but that's all that should be, a checking in and a how are you not a two hour grilling.

[Mumdiva99]

If he is off sock he absolutely should not be getting performance review meetings. This enrages me. Where is HR....they need to know what is going on as this is not OK in anyway.

OH os there to help. They can only make recommendations. They cannot over rule a doctor. The idea is that they can make recommendations about what may help get your son back to work...e.g. councilling, medication etc.

[Mumdiva99]

He doesn't need to check in with his manager once a week if he has been signed off for longer. There is a reason a doctor signs someone off for 2 weeks or 3 weeks or 6 weeks.......

[Bluntness100]

I don’t understand op. Why has he to call her for a performance review weekly if he’s off sick? There is no performance to review?

If he’s off sick then he can stop phone contact. Focus on his medical needs and recovery.

[Anon778833]

I’m really sorry this is happening to your son. I had a sociopathic boss and she has done the same to me and a number of other people. The latest victim is taking her to tribunal.

Unfortunately, where sociopaths are concerned, you need to remove yourself from their toxic influence.

If he has 12 years of service under his belt then I would think that he would have a constructive dismissal case? Has he taken notes about the bullying and what was said?

He definitely does not need to talk to her at all. And she shouldn’t be hassling him.

[dewisant2020]

I'm a manager and deal with sickness often, first off all your sons manager sounds absolutely awful.
Whilst your son is off sick it isn't unusual to have a well-being meeting every so often but this is purely to see how the employe is getting on, is there any support that work can give etc.. very brief and very supportive.
I would be reporting your sons manager to there HR department and as a mother I'd phone the bitch myself
I hope your son improves and gets through this difficult time

[mumsie8]

He isn't at work @coronawireless, he's been signed off sick, so it's distressing for no one bar him. OP i have no relevant advice but this doesn't sound right. Checking in phonecalls are supposed to be supportive as well as gently probing what's going on i always thought. Does he have a HR department with whom he could try and discuss this with? I hope he is ok.

[Anon778833]

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

She's been telling him she can get OH to overturn his sickness certificate so he won't be paid. This can't be right? or even legal.
He knows he has to check in with his manager once a week but that's all that should be, a checking in and a how are you not a two hour grilling.

Has she had the audacity to put this in writing?

[trunumber]

A similar-ish thing happened to someone I know. They had a family member write a letter to work saying the person was too unwell to engage in any work discussion and would not be doing so until it deemed appropriate by their doctor. Then ignore all contact.

Might also be working contacting ACAS for support. But honestly, I wish this wasn't the answer, he needs to leave - work bullies never change, that place will always make him desperately unhappy

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

Its supposed to be a well being interview but it isn't she absolutely killing him. Can he refuse to take her phone calls as HR said he must call in once a week. She is using that call to destroy him.
I live four hours drive away but I will go down there if I have to. I was worried about "mummy" interfering in a grown mans work life, he is nearly 40 but I don't think I can stand back here.
I'm thinking I could call to say I've travelled down to look after him as he is so unwell and he is not able to take calls right now.
I just need to make sure that I'm not making the situation worse.

[EarringsandLipstick]

I can imagine how worried you are OP

However, I've a strong suspicion you haven't all the facts here.

Your tone & language used is also worrying - calling his manager a sociopath?

If your DS is as unwell as that, then of course she can't contact him. If he has a sick cert, he makes sure that is submitted; then he doesn't take her calls.

I think something reasonable you could do, if the calls continue, is to write to HR, on his behalf if you feel he lacks the capacity to do so, saying he is on a sick cert & should not be contacted.

However, elements of your first post don't sound reasonable, including your objection to the check in calls. In the right circumstance this doesn't sound incorrect. However if he is severely mentally ill, that's clearly not the right time.

[thesandwich]

Is he in a union? Could be worth contacting. Check the sickness policy

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

We discussed him leaving earlier. I said he needs to leave asap and start looking for another job. He agrees thats what he will do but the whole covid situation makes this 10 times worse. The place isn't exactly heaving with jobs right now. he needs to pay the rent and feels trapped.
Surely they cannot sack him for being too unwell to call his manager.

[EarringsandLipstick]

Can he refuse to take her phone calls as HR said he must call in once a week

Yes of course he can. If he has a sick cert, he should not be contacted at all.

[cansu]

is he in a union? If so get some advice from them. She should not be contacting him while he is signed off for performance reviews. I would imagine she could contact him to see how he is, but this should be agreed and he could say that an email once a fortnight or once a month is sufficient. He needs to get the policy from HR. I would say ask HR what the policy is on contact whilst off sick and clarify the position regarding these performance reviews. If he is too unwell to phone, get him to email politely asking for this information. She should not be hounding him while off sick. Sending a fortnightly email asking how he is and keeping him updated on any work related news is one thing, what you describe is another altogether. I have been off sick for a month. I have had a few very friendly and kind emails from my boss asking how I am. That was it. She cannot insist on phone calls either. Tell him to stop answering the phone to her and to keep everything via email copying in HR.