Missed Opportunity

[angelsnapper]

Things have been getting on top of me recently, and I currently work in a trainee fixed term position job which is due to end in a year.

A permanent position came up which would have been perfect for me but I didn't feel like I had the headspace and experience to apply and I didn't end up going for it. A colleague had an interview and I think is likely to get it. I'm really disappointed in myself. I'm trying to gain a career later in life after having children young and have only been following this path for less than 2 years. I am finding it challenging working full time and having a large family.

I admit I do at the moment harbour negative feeling towards colleague who complains of how hard it is working full time when they are single and have no responsibility which I know I'm being unreasonable feeling and I do not want to feel this way. Theres been a couple of instances where they have tried to undermine me in front of senior staff members (didn't work, but I'm pissed off they tried).

I really need to get my life in order so that the next time an opportunity comes up I have the energy to put into applying.

I have the financial burden of childcare to pay out of wages, I have a school refusing child, appointments for other children which all require me to juggle and deal with in my lunch hour or evenings along with everything else having a family entails.

I dont say any of this at work, I just need to say it, so I'm saying it on here.

I just keep thinking how can I work harder to get where I want and enjoy time with my family along with keeping up with the demands on family life?

[Isleepinahedgefund]

I understand how you feel - had a similar moment last year when I moved jobs and found that there were a lot of young people shooting up the ladder in a way I know I'm capable of but have never had the opportunity to do, largely because my career was in a different part of the civil service that's structured differently, opportunities were few and promotion was hard earned after many years of service, and also because of family commitments/logistics. What I did was apply for another promotion pretty much immediately rather than sit and fester in a pool of my own resentment.

I think you should have applied for the job, and next time an opportunity comes up you should just go for it - don't put yourself in the position again where you are harbouring resentment like this. If you wait until you have the headspace that might be never - like the elusive "right time" to have kids!

I think by not applying this time you've also added in negativity towards yourself for not applying for a permanent position when you're on fixed term - if I was on a fixed term contract I'd feel nervous because of the uncertainty in relation to my commitments.

Your life is hard in its own way, and obviously she finds hers challenging too - you've no idea what might be going on for her that makes her single working full time with no commitments life hard for her. If/when she has kids etc in the mix she will almost certainly look back and think "I had it easy", but she won't appreciate that just now. If you had your kids young maybe you've never actually had that? I remember spending a lot of time in the pub with single colleagues when I was younger and us all moaning about how hard life was!

TBH in your position I'd join in and moan about my own life. If she can, you can too. Might ease some of your irritation. Also you might think you're styling it out and not letting it show but it's so easy to be unconsciously acting in a way that makes it obvious.

[angelsnapper]

You are so right and I know it in myself, I need a good kick up the backside and I really regret it. I kept reading the job description and thinking I dont have that (even though I could have picked it up quickly).

I am so nervous that I don't have a permanent position and I'm terrified of going back to the type of manual labour job I was doing before.

At the moment as I'm training there will be a qualification when I complete it, would it be a better idea to get through that as quickly as possible, in the meanwhile working on my CV, personal development etc?

How can I squash this resentment? Everyone needs to do what is best for their own lives and my colleague really has gone for it. I've been focusing on completing my work based course, being on time and not taking sick days etc. All of which my colleague is regularly but they are good at their job, am I focusing on the wrong thing?

Thanks for taking the time to post a reply.

[Kirkman]

You need to practise remembering what you colleague does or doesnt do is irrelevant.

Their life is hard to them. They dont know how hard you have it because you are in a different situation. One they have never been in.

I get it though. I was a newly single parent, 2 kids. One with Asd. Trying to juggle everything, running the home and impressing in a new job. The person I worked with was young, no kids, shared a house with her boyfriend and got a huge allowance from her dad every month. It did grate listen to her talk about how little money she had left, or how she needed to leave early to pick her boyfriend up, because he didnt eant ti get the bus. Or that people didnt understand how hard up she was.

But really, I just had to let it go. I am not her. She may have been struggling in her own way. Though to me she was in a fantastic position. She may have had other stuff going on that was weighing on her deeply.

You chose not to go for the job. You did what a lot of women do looked at everything you cant do yet. My career tool off when I started concentrating on what I can do and thinking 'I cant do that yet.....but I bet I can learn it' and just going for stuff anyway.

[Kirkman]

Sorry, read that back. I dont want it to sound like I am having a go. I have been there. But only you can change it. I do understand how you feel though x

[angelsnapper]

I'm liking the advice, I needed to say it, get it out. I was going to post in AIBU....but I already knew I definitely was/am!!

I've managed to get where I am just now, I do need to focus on what I CAN do, be more assertive and take control.

I haven't really moaned about my own life as I dont want anyone to think I'm not coping. I am...just!

[GreenTulips]

It’s known that a man will hit 50% of the job description where woman will aim for 100%?

Start applying even it’s just to show management you are willing to apply and keen to move forward, each application will get easier, same with an interview.

Start thinking ‘why not me?’

[angelsnapper]

My colleague is male...post is under-represented by guys so that counts in favour as well. Thank you all, it helping me see things in a different light.