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How did you handle career sacrifice?

(13 Posts)
Abigail333 Mon 25-Nov-19 00:59:01

I’m struggling badly at the moment.
I am married with a beautiful 1yo and pre baby I worked in marketing for the past 20 years
I earned well buy DH earns slightly more.
When having LO, despite our good wages, we would be worse off with childcare financially and also I wanted to spend more time with her and thus gave up my role as it wasn’t possible to go part time and work nights in retail

I HATE it!! I love spending time with LO and seeing her grow infront of my eyes but when it comes time to go to work, i just want to curl up and cry. I have an amazing team of workers and the job itself isn’t terrible but I miss working within an office environment and I spend my nights, getting home at 11-12am then spending my only free time to myself researching ideas how to be sble to spend time with LO and do what I studied years to do.

The only glimmer of hope I have/had been holding onto was the thought I could go back to a similar job PT when LO goes to nursery but every time i talk about it, DH cuts it down saying it would be impossible as there’s going to be next to no jobs she to accommodate the “free time” I’ll have when LO is in nursery or even school. I never felt so sick in my life hearing that.

We have no help in the way of family for childcare and can’t afford a carer
I just feel like everyday I’m feeling more and more depressed thinking I’m going to be stuck in a shop job working nights from now on and by the time I’m able to go back to work, I’m going to be too old that it will be tricky to get employment.

How did others handle this. I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation but it’s hard and can’t see any solutions 😢

dreichwinter Mon 25-Nov-19 01:16:27

So the situation is that you both had a dc and you want to go back to work during the day?

So you do, you and dh both take a short term financial hit to allow to career to restart.
You dc belongs to both of you and you both have to cover her costs.

DH doesn't get to decide your career anymore than you get to decide his.

But no one gets everything, you don't get your career and hours with your dc. You need to decide the best balance for you and strike out for it.

Redcliff Mon 25-Nov-19 01:20:38

Could you start looking for more suitable PT work now and then finding childcare once you need to? There are not as many PT jobs out there but there are less applicants for them as well. Just applying could help you feel like you are doing something.

Mintjulia Mon 25-Nov-19 01:22:17

I struggled as well and when they “made me redundant” at the end of maternity leave I got more and more depressed. I love ds but I need to use my brain more.
I went back to work full time when ds was 2&2 months. My sanity was more important than the house work. Ds went to a childminder near work so I was close by If he needed me and he loved it.
Dp wasn’t happy but I said I’d work and he could be sahp, and he backed down immediately grin
You need to be happy first and if it costs £100 a month more, it’s money well spent in the long term.
Also, your dh is talking through his hat. There are part time marketing jobs or you could go freelance or you could set up on your own.

nachthexe Mon 25-Nov-19 01:23:38

What she said.
Go back to work and use that money to pay nursery, like everyone else does. It’s five years. Short term hit for long term goal.
You might be lucky enough to bag flexible working once you have your feet under the right desk.
I had to give up work because we moved countries (we were in the same line of work but no co-location possible so I took the hit). I was lucky enough to pick up occasional 6 month contracts so we got short term nanny contracts. And otherwise I worked pt day jobs while kids in nursery.
In reality I just had to suck it up. Now they are older dh seems to think I could just pick up a job back at the same level. I’ve been out for fifteen years. Don’t do that. Just get back to what you want to do and take the short term financial belt tightening.

lljkk Mon 25-Nov-19 01:24:04

I don't understand why you can't work FT or maybe 4 days/week once your DD has subsidised nursery hours. it sounds like with the free childcare hours you'd at least break even, if not actually end up quids ahead.

I had 8 yrs as a SAHM and came back to professional work (with some ladders & diversions). Your interesting job days are probably just on hold not gone forever.

Thehagonthehill Mon 25-Nov-19 01:26:36

I went part time until DD went to school and then full time.
I never really discussed it with exH,just put it forward and since he expected me to pay half the bills etc(even on maternity leave from my savings) I thought that was reasonable.
He resented me going back to work,he successfully seperated me from local friends and tried with family but I kept a sense of worth through work which he couldn't touch.
Being married should be a partnership,you DH should be supporting you going back to work not vetoing it .You both have child,not just you.
If he isn't supporting you then all the more reason to ensure you could manage on your own before you have to

nachthexe Mon 25-Nov-19 01:28:52

I should say ‘out’ doesn’t mean not working. I’ve been at the same ft job for seven years now but I earn a third of what I used to before kids. Possibly even a quarter depending on exchange rate.
When I tell people what I used to do, they are boggled. Yeah kids will do that. grin

LonginesPrime Mon 25-Nov-19 01:37:10

Go back to work and use that money to pay nursery, like everyone else does

^ this.

Why are you asking your DH's permission to return to your career?

Your post makes you sound trapped and miserable, and it sounds like your DH either (1) isn't aware of this or (2) doesn't care. I think it's important to establish which it is as that should dictate what happens next.

Abigail333 Mon 25-Nov-19 08:58:47

Thanks everyone.
DH is always supportive but I think he thinks we won’t have enough money to pay the bills. Him working FT and me working nights PT means we don’t have to fork out £500pt from a £700+ wage for a daytime role and sadly in Scotland Free childcare doesn’t apply until DD is 3

It’s just such a tricky situation to be in - I’m currently looking into self employment options too such as virtual assistants etc in the hope it might be something that could work out eventually.

Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with working in retail, I’ve just spent all my employment life in an office and studying for better roles that the thought of having to (hopefully) pause it is scary as technology moves on so fast and will be in my 40s when I return to work

I know there is always something I can do to make it better, I’ve just got to find it or take the hit on childcare and shut up 😞

Thanks for all the suggestions x

blackcat86 Mon 25-Nov-19 11:01:18

With 20 years experience in marketing, could you possibly pick up short term projects or consultancy work. I have found that I have needed some sort of work fairly on even whilst on mat leave but it sounds like you have taken a huge step back which could be quite frustrating. Could you start LO off on 1 or 2 sessions a week at nursery for socialisation? DD is 15 months and goes 1 morning a week and seeing how happy she is has really reassured me. Its hard with no family support but you appear to have made all the sacrifices career wise whilst your DH holds all the power to veto your choices (and making no sacrifices himself).

Abigail333 Mon 25-Nov-19 15:00:48

After your comment, I decided to contact business gateway for some advice, you are correct, with the amount of experience I have, I should maybe look towards self employment opportunities which can work around my situation until it can improve instead of the safety of an employer who can do all the taxes etc which has always put me off going SE in the past

After speaking to an advisor, they claim with the experience I have in marketing etc but also some personal skills I study at home in design and also website building, there is a high demand so he is sending me some information about looking into opportunities to build a business.

For the first time since going back to work, I actually feel like the tightness in my chest is gone thinking I couldn’t go back to the sorts of roles I’m comfortable and experienced in.
As much as this thread was a big ol rant from me, it’s really helped a lot to make me focused and work out ideas I wouldn’t have considered!

Thanks everyone for all your input! Keeping positive this could be the start of a new adventure. I’m definitely not cut out for retail 😂 I admire you all in that industry, I’m use to comfy Desk jobs and clients on the phone, not customers shouting in your face because you don’t have a product they want and all the heavy lifting! I’m going to make sure I’m extra super nice to retailers in the future 😅

blackcat86 Mon 25-Nov-19 15:10:13

That fantastic Abigail. There are often local women in business or mumpreneur groups that can good as a starting point. Good luck with your business

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