Domestic violence: why do victims blame themselves?

[blinder]

I used to be in an abusive relationship. This still feels like a confession, twelve years later.

A woman disclosed horrific domestic violence to me today (historical not current). I hear lots of disclosures like that and in every case I find myself trying to help the woman move from guilt to blame. Even when the woman understands that victims frequently feel inappropriate levels of guilt and shame, the accurate assignment of blame for the events feels terribly elusive.

Obviously, the process of grooming a child victim or brainwashing an adult woman involves instilling in them the belief that they somehow deserve to be hurt. And yet, the guilt often lingers even when this is intellectually understood by the woman to be false.

In my case I felt (sometimes feel if I'm honest) that I was stupid and weak to allow myself to be abused. Even though I know that I am not responsible for the actions of another. I also know I was courageous in surviving and leaving that relationship. But the shame leaves traces despite that knowledge.

My question is, why as women do we so often carry the burden of shame for the violence we suffer? What can we do about that on a personal and social level?

[OnlyWantsOne]

in the short of it - because we stay, and go back - and get it a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time - and because we are told that it is our fault... and after a while, you think it too....

it takes a lot to change that mindset.

[GardenPath]

"My question is, why as women do we so often carry the burden of shame for the violence we suffer?" Sorry to hear that Blinder.

Blimey, how long have you got? Women have been blamed for everything since Adam and Eve, ("It's her fault, she made me.") and no doubt before that. There's a long, long history, isn't there? - in most if not all cultures - of women being controlled by men through religion, custom, tradition, law and this control enforced with violence. Often laws have entitled men to beat their wives along with their servants and slaves. It's only relatively recently that, here, we've addressed rape within marriage, for instance. (It was argued that when she says 'I do', at the alter, that's consent). It's hardly surprising, though outrageous, that there's still, today, in the 21st century, a hangover attitude regarding DV that 'she must have deserved it' - 'she must have provoked him' - even 'she must like it, she keeps going back for more.' and 'It must have been something I did' I've heard it myself. When you have even your own society against you, like OnlyWantsOne says, 'it takes a lot to change that mindset'. And cuts across all classes, too, my ex-neighbour beat his wife for years, he was a wealthy estate agent, boss of his own large, established and well known firm, kids at private school - and his father beat his doctor mother.
I guess a lot of it's got to do with the fact that we mustn't rock the 'happy family' boat - then we'd be responsible for the 'breakdown of society' as well!