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Aibu to be annoyed by this?

(54 Posts)
LadyInParis Sun 10-Jan-21 17:32:23

Since losing my best friend a few years ago, she passed away, I have made some female friends but they never worked out. So I shied away from making friends for a long time. I then decided to try to make some female friends to help improve my life and help move on. I have zero female friends. So I signed up to a friends making site and stated I wanted female friends only. After a few messages from men who either didn’t read, or didn’t care that I had stated in my profile that I am engaged and only looking for female friends, I finally got a message from someone with the name “Kirsty”. I was really excited. It was a normal “hello I’m Kirsty how are you” kind of thing. I was happy - finally a girl! Until I opened the profile. Pics below. Am I being unfair to feel a bit, well, let down and tricked? I deleted my account after that and will find another more well known friends app like bumble maybe. Pics below

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LadyInParis Sun 10-Jan-21 17:33:53

Pics

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LadyInParis Sun 10-Jan-21 17:37:36

Not sure if I am being unfair or not. I was shocked and really I felt tricked after so many men sending messages for partners on a friend only site, I was so happy and thought there are women out there yey. I suppose maybe it was the language in the profile- “hi I’m Kirsty. Well not really.” It felt like a joke or trick. Maybe I’m being unfair?

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Timeforabiscuit Sun 10-Jan-21 17:43:12

Its a bit clumsy - but can't see what they've done wrong? They've been upfront on their profile.

You feel blindsided from the off, so they probably wouldn't make a potential friend now - but otherwise I'd consider what qualities you are actually looking for, do your interests align for example?

Gingerkittykat Sun 10-Jan-21 17:44:18

Nope, YANBU. I would be annoyed by this too and especially annoyed that this mand wants female friends for stereotypical girly stuff like make up and shopping.

I never knew there were online friendship sites, sounds as bad as the OLD I tried where I regularly got sent dick pics and got messages from pervs.

PotholeParadies Sun 10-Jan-21 17:52:58

Emotions are emotions. They're neither fair nor unfair. I think women sometimes spend too much time questioning themselves whether they're allowed to have feelings.

Given the situation, of course you feel disappointed! You could tell yourself off for that, but that will just mean you feel guilty as wrll as disappointed.

Kirsty is not what you're looking for. You'd be what Kirsty is looking for, but Kirsty wouldn't meet your friendship needs.

Try the other apps.

jellyfrizz Sun 10-Jan-21 17:54:59

I agree with Timefor, they've been open from the start and perhaps genuinely thought you were looking for a female friends in order to talk about the typically feminine things they are interested in?

I don't think I'd be any more upset than the other men clearly not reading, or caring, what your profile said.

majesticallyawkward Sun 10-Jan-21 17:57:10

I can't see the issue. I think Kirsty maybe has some things she needs to work through but the profile isn't trying to hide anything.

She may well be cat fishing or have another motive but honestly I don't think the profile would be that honest if that were the case.

IMO there is no blindsiding or betrayal, just that you aren't comfortable with this particularly person so it's fine to ignore and move on. The equality act means that trans people can't be denied access to these sites.

Winesalot Sun 10-Jan-21 18:13:22

Hi LadyInParis

Of course, you weren't expecting this. You do have the option to accept or not and as other's have said, at least they are completely up front. I wish you the best in your search, however, I think you will find this is more common than you might expect if the feedback from the dating websites for lesbians are any indication.

Winesalot Sun 10-Jan-21 18:14:01

And welcome back LadyInParis.

LadyInParis Sun 10-Jan-21 18:18:19

Thanks for the opinions all! I think everyone is right in one way or another. For me I felt tricked as it was a message from a female named Kirsty, messaging me as a female, then when I went on the profile it was- but not really!! I think it’s a bit off, personally. But that’s me and my opinion. I think if the person is a male but has a female side as Kirsty says, then the name and gender should reflect that from the off. Then I would not have a problem. But that’s not what Kirsty did. And in the bottom part where I sadly didn’t screenshot, identified as male. So yeah. For me it wasn’t honest from the beginning but I can keep trying. I have transgender friend but she’s honest as they come, always was. It’s more the way this person went about it as opposed to how they identify or spend their time

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LadyInParis Sun 10-Jan-21 18:18:46

@Winesalot Thank you! flowers

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dumpling23 Sun 10-Jan-21 18:19:57

I would be annoyed too. You stated you were looking for female friends, and Kirsty flat out disrespected that. I agreed there is no deceit on Kirsty's profile and I don't think anyone's saying trans people should be denied access to these kinds of sites. It's not unreasonable, though, to expect people to read what you've stated your looking for and only contact you if they meet your criteria. Having a succession of individuals ignoring your criteria is very annoying indeed, and one of them adopting a female name certainly doesn't make it less so

LadyInParis Sun 10-Jan-21 18:20:51

jellyfrizz

I agree with Timefor, they've been open from the start and perhaps genuinely thought you were looking for a female friends in order to talk about the typically feminine things they are interested in

Except he identifies as male and “typically male likes sports” and has his sex as male, but promotes as a woman to explore a female side (so wanting both) so a male presenting as female and male messaging a female looking for only female friends ..

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Winesalot Sun 10-Jan-21 18:26:56

Except he identifies as male and “typically male likes sports” and has his sex as male, but promotes as a woman to explore a female side (so wanting both) so a male presenting as female and male messaging a female looking for only female friends ..

And therein lies the rub. It sounds confused and confusing and not at all what you stated you were looking for.

Whatsnewpussyhat Sun 10-Jan-21 18:28:45

I'd be pissed off too. You wanted female friends, not an adult male who likes who wants females to assist in their role play.

LadyInParis Sun 10-Jan-21 18:33:37

IMO there is no blindsiding or betrayal, just that you aren't comfortable with this particularly person so it's fine to ignore and move on. The equality act means that trans people can't be denied access to these sites.

I never stated that. My issue is that 1) it’s a self identifying male, who promotes as having a female side too, so having both sexes to be able to have all things, this is not how someone who wants to change gender behaves. This is someone wanting women to fulfill a need they have despite never wanting to be, nor identifying as, female- as the post under gender Kirsty had stated male. 2) messaging a female who only wants female friends, with a female name, and a non gender specific message, until I read the ah ha! Not really I’m a man and I identify as a man I just like girly things too, so I’ll message you the female despite your request to only have female friends. Had it been clear this is a person transitioning or whatever, it would be very different. But the way this was done was odd, and expecting me as a female, to accept a male need to have me as a friend, despite my wish to have female only friends, and their wish to remain male, and presenting as female until you get to the part of the ah ha! Well, I find that typical of male privilege. That I should be ok because oh well but Kirsty was honest in the actual profile. hmm

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PrawnofthePatriarchy Sun 10-Jan-21 18:34:15

It would annoy me too. You were explicit about wanting to make female friends but Kirsty was thinking only of himself, which is not an appealing quality in a friend regardless of their sex.

It would annoy me quite a lot when I think about it. It's a bit like when I described myself as a logical thinker on OLD android a psychic put himself forward. Only worse.

LadyInParis Sun 10-Jan-21 18:41:28

dumpling23

I would be annoyed too. You stated you were looking for female friends, and Kirsty flat out disrespected that. I agreed there is no deceit on Kirsty's profile and I don't think anyone's saying trans people should be denied access to these kinds of sites. It's not unreasonable, though, to expect people to read what you've stated your looking for and only contact you if they meet your criteria. Having a succession of individuals ignoring your criteria is very annoying indeed, and one of them adopting a female name certainly doesn't make it less so

100% this!!

Winesalot

And therein lies the rub. It sounds confused and confusing and not at all what you stated you were looking for.

Exactly.

Whatsnewpussyhat

I'd be pissed off too. You wanted female friends, not an adult male who likes who wants females to assist in their role play.

And this times a million. You said what I was struggling to get straight in my mind. I felt like it was a trick so that Kirsty can have the above. I’m not a toy and I have boundaries set on my profile. And the only people who refused those boundaries were male. No women. It just felt wrong and my reasons plus this point above explains it perfectly.

I can’t stop men doing this, it’s expected, etc etc. But what I can do is ask other women if this strange scenario is part of that whole male privilege thing in order to be able to be informed for myself.

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LadyInParis Sun 10-Jan-21 18:52:01

PotholeParadies

Emotions are emotions. They're neither fair nor unfair. I think women sometimes spend too much time questioning themselves whether they're allowed to have feelings.

I agree, as I have done here. I really shouldn’t question if I am comfortable or not- thank you.

Given the situation, of course you feel disappointed! You could tell yourself off for that, but that will just mean you feel guilty as wrll as disappointed.

Very good point.

Kirsty is not what you're looking for. You'd be what Kirsty is looking for, but Kirsty wouldn't meet your friendship needs.

Yep pretty much!

PrawnofthePatriarchy

It would annoy me too. You were explicit about wanting to make female friends but Kirsty was thinking only of himself, which is not an appealing quality in a friend regardless of their sex.

Exactly!!

It would annoy me quite a lot when I think about it. It's a bit like when I described myself as a logical thinker on OLD android a psychic put himself forward. Only worse.

Yes, I did find it quite irritating. It’s sad that I had to ask if my feelings are valid really. As it seemed such a small thing in the grand scheme of life. But the small things lead to a big picture and if I am to be able to be clear on my own feelings and know that I am allowed to feel how I feel, and keep my boundaries based on said feelings, well it not only makes me a stronger woman but also a safer one

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Imnobody4 Sun 10-Jan-21 18:52:57

No YANBU.

OhHolyJesus Sun 10-Jan-21 19:15:13

YANBU OP.

You were clear, Kirsty was not. His profile makes it clear but he was messaging you as 'Kirsty' and didn't follow that immediately with "(but I'm a guy)" so if it was me I would feel tricked and that he just wanted to see how long he could trick me for, which makes me think it's a game, he hasn't respected your wishes and he doesn't really care, he's in it for himself.

File under B for Bin.

LadyInParis Sun 10-Jan-21 19:23:17

OhHolyJesus

YANBU OP.

You were clear, Kirsty was not. His profile makes it clear but he was messaging you as 'Kirsty' and didn't follow that immediately with "(but I'm a guy)" so if it was me I would feel tricked and that he just wanted to see how long he could trick me for, which makes me think it's a game, he hasn't respected your wishes and he doesn't really care, he's in it for himself.

File under B for Bin.

Thank you, this is another part of my feelings towards this situation. I felt like it would be some kind of manipulation play. There has been all kinds of things that posters have written that I couldn’t quite find the way to get straight in my head, but had a gut instinct about, if that makes sense. This is another one of them. And I thank you and all the women who have been able to clarify for me why I felt so strange about the whole thing. I appreciate it because it helps me to be able to in future be more aware and also to accept my feelings even if I can’t quite get them straightened out in my head- just if it feels off then it’s best to stay away. Not question my feelings or instincts. But to know there is a reason for them and to act accordingly to keep myself safe.

I appreciate you all for this I’m new to this stuff having been a victim of abuse in the past, it’s very helpful to be able to start to create my own stronger and more realistic worldview- rather than the one I grew up in and continued to allow myself to get into such situations as an adult. The stronger I feel as a woman and the more knowledgeable I can be the more safe I can be and I appreciate this a lot. I hope that made sense!

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FWRLurker Sun 10-Jan-21 19:32:39

these sites are lousy with straight men firehosing everyone in the unlikely event someone bites. It’s incredibly annoying but all you can do is block and move on. They clearly didn’t read your profile/wants, so they’ve earned the block. Same with any dating site really.

LadyInParis Sun 10-Jan-21 19:39:55

FWRLurker

these sites are lousy with straight men firehosing everyone in the unlikely event someone bites. It’s incredibly annoying but all you can do is block and move on. They clearly didn’t read your profile/wants, so they’ve earned the block. Same with any dating site really.

Thank you. This is true and is what I generally do, but the posts here have also helped in a deeper way too

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