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Women who grew up with self- deprecating mums-

(38 Posts)
christmasclove Sat 07-Nov-20 19:28:19

How did you/did you break the cycle in time for raising kids?
I really don't want to repeat this.

OP’s posts: |
Crocodilian Sat 07-Nov-20 19:32:11

Following as I'm in the same boat!

christmasclove Sat 07-Nov-20 19:38:04

@Crocodilian can I ask if you were raised by an overbearing father as well as self deprecating mum? Please feel free not to answer if that's tmi.

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HecatesCats Sat 07-Nov-20 19:44:48

Still don't think I have. I'm working really hard on it and trying to check myself when it's relevant with the kids. My Mum still apologises for her poor food before she serves a meal. That isn't even the half of it.

ILoveAnOwl Sat 07-Nov-20 19:49:01

I try not to do it since someone once called me on it. Not in a horrid way but she pointed out I was a capable woman who knew what I was talking about. I now call my mum on it when she does it too.

christmasclove Sat 07-Nov-20 19:50:43

I've spoken with my sister about this and we've come to a similar conclusion every time that it'll always be a work in progress...
My mum does the same re food "Sorry this is so crap." 😞😖

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hellotoday27 Sat 07-Nov-20 20:35:31

My mum did this.

hellotoday27 Sat 07-Nov-20 20:35:59

Actually, she still does this

christmasclove Sat 07-Nov-20 20:40:39

I think we have a responsibility to strive to end the cycle to free our daughters.

OP’s posts: |
chasegirl Sat 07-Nov-20 20:45:42

My Mom is the same, seemingly not good at anything (according to her). She apologies for food too.

It takes a lot of conscious effort on my part not to be like that as I'm sure its affected my confidence throughout my life and don't want my daughter to feel like that. It's hard work.

christmasclove Sat 07-Nov-20 20:49:55

It is hard work! I've seen my sister try incredibly hard to not repeat the same mistakes around my niece and mostly it has worked. Hats off to you 💗

OP’s posts: |
legalseagull Sat 07-Nov-20 21:01:41

My mum was constantly critical of her weight and on one diet or another. I've vowed not to be like that

Siameasy Sat 07-Nov-20 21:24:30

Oh I recognise this.
My mum (and mil) both seem to apologise for their existence via their body language. They seem to want to take up the least space possible.
My dad used to put my mum down a lot - and me too.
I think that if you see this as a child you either copy it or it makes you angry - in my case I sort of subconsciously decided to be quite offensive.
A big thing for us at home (I have a daughter and a DH) is you are allowed to be yourself in your own home. There is no tip toeing and no eggshells with DH. My mum still tip toes round my dad ffs
Another motto I like is don’t apologise don’t explain. grin

HecatesCats Sat 07-Nov-20 21:34:33

legalseagull

My mum was constantly critical of her weight and on one diet or another. I've vowed not to be like that


Same! My weight fluctuates and I'm trying to be really relaxed about my appearance with the kids and comfortable with my body. My mum always covered up when we were younger. She never took us swimming for example, I'm trying to break that habit, even though it's clearly had a big effect on me. I feel really exposed in the pool and I'm sure her anxiety has something to do with it.

vixb1 Sat 07-Nov-20 21:41:33

Have you ever watched any of Brene Browns stuff? There's a show on Netflix at the moment which is a good place to start.

She talks about vulnerability and harnessing it. She's amazing!

christmasclove Sat 07-Nov-20 21:48:46

Thanks for sharing. I can relate so much to all of this. Hadn't heard heard of the Brene Brown doc will be sure to check it out.
@Siameasy my mum often tip toes around my dad too, as we did as kids. It's no way to live and no way I'd want my own children to live.

OP’s posts: |
HecatesCats Sat 07-Nov-20 21:53:35

A lot of it is about breaking the pain barrier Christmas - knowing how your Mum might react to certain situations and forcing yourself to do the opposite while with the kids, until it comes more naturally!

midsummabreak Sat 07-Nov-20 21:54:32

It really makes a difference who you surround yourself with in life, so ensuring that the partner that you choose to share your life truly respects you, and talks you up, not brings you down, and spending time with friends who love you for you, whether you share same interests or not.
For me self awareness was the first step in changing, and I can’t say that I’ve become full of confidence or as assertive as I feel I should be...it’s an ongoing battle, but I think that with self awareness you (mostly!) rid yourself of unhealthy behaviour over time.
One thing that you could try is practicing taking compliments gracefully,and focusing on acknowledging others kindness, instead of bringing the focus back to you by an ingrained habit of making self deprecating remarks in response.

Hardbackwriter Sat 07-Nov-20 22:00:49

My mum is lovely but very, very self-critical and self-deprecating and it had a big impact on me. I'm really trying actively to break it but it's hard; I catch myself doing it so often without even realising. Two year old DS said 'oh, silly mummy' to me the other day when I dropped something and I realised how often he must have heard me say that. I don't and won't have daughters (currently pregnant with DS2, who will be my last) so I suppose my worry is less that they'll inherit it, as I did, and more that it'll shape their view/expectations of women if they constantly hear their mother listing how she's not good enough.

DH has started pointing it out when I do it after we talked about it, which helps - again, it's shocking how often he'll point out that I'm doing it and I won't even have realised.

chasegirl Sat 07-Nov-20 22:01:25

Yes my Mom was always critical about her weight and appearance too. It's not a good message to hear. I have those thoughts too but keep them too myself.

No evidence my Dd has these kinds of thoughts, she seems very self assured and confident but she's only 13,keeping my fingers crossed it lasts

Hardbackwriter Sat 07-Nov-20 22:03:04

One thing that you could try is practicing taking compliments gracefully,and focusing on acknowledging others kindness, instead of bringing the focus back to you by an ingrained habit of making self deprecating remarks in response.

This is a really good tip, and this is one thing I have got better at - I had a counsellor who got me to practice this and now I'm quite good at just saying 'thank you, that's lovely to hear' or similar rather than fighting the compliment (which always comes across like you're fishing anyway)

midsummabreak Sat 07-Nov-20 22:49:03

christmasclove something a gorgeous person once told me at a time when I was really struggling was to remind me that we are all equally worthy, and to remember that we are all human

Thankyou vixb1 for the recommendation to listen to and read about Brene Brown , her research and what she shares really resonates, love this

midsummabreak Sat 07-Nov-20 22:54:37

@christmasclove Please remember, and believe, you are worthy, flowers you are worthy of love, you are worthy of respect, you are worthy of accolades for your small or great successes flowersflowersflowers

GrinitchSpinach Sat 07-Nov-20 23:10:59

My mother tried very hard to raise us to believe in ourselves, to feel confident and not worry about appearance/weight/makeup etc, BUT she really undermined that message by expressing dismay about her own weight and appearance pretty frequently.

I'm sure I make tons of mistakes all the time as a mother, but that is one area where I've tried to stay very conscious about the messages I send to my daughters. The only comment I ever make after they're weighed at the doctor's office, for example, is, "Great growing! I am so glad you're healthy and strong." I know that when they enter the teenage years they'll think I am ridiculous, but I am hoping the underlying message gets into their subconscious before then...

Hardbackwriter Sat 07-Nov-20 23:18:00

My mother tried very hard to raise us to believe in ourselves, to feel confident and not worry about appearance/weight/makeup etc, BUT she really undermined that message by expressing dismay about her own weight and appearance pretty frequently.

Exactly this with my mum (and in lots of other ways but appearance - e.g. she would - still does!- tell me constantly how clever I am and how I can do anything, but makes constant comments about how stupid she is when she makes tiny little mistakes and then wonders where my perfectionism comes from) - the contradictions really messed with my head, especially since at the same time I was often being told how like her in both appearance and personality I was.

But I try and remind myself that this is actually a good example of not getting it perfect but moving in the right direction; my mum's own mum was incredibly, cruelly critical of her and so even if mum can't silence her own self-criticism it's a big step that she didn't replicate that with me, and that she demonstrated an unconditional love that she was never shown. I tell myself that she made a huge stride forward, and that I can carry on that good work by taking another little step, and so little by little my grandmother's toxic influence (which I'm sure was the result of what someone else did to her) is diluted down the generations...

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