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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

How to stop this man

60 replies

Mydogisagentleman · 06/10/2020 09:01

Was a very regular poster, but had a 10 year or so break.
My daughter had an awful relationship from 16-17 with a boy who was coercive, a liar and a rapist.
Our daughter split up with him after about a 10 month relationship and was initially upset. She’s a private person so me and her dad didn’t pry.
Eventually her self harming (which she would never discuss or acknowledge ) led to her asking me to take her to hospital for stitches.
On the way home, she told me that he had regularly raped her.
I contacted our local rape crisis centre and took her for an initial meeting.
Daughter and the team there concluded that pursuing a charge against him would not be in her interests or have any realistic chance of success. She met with the counsellors alone.
She left for university last week and has met someone who has also been sexually assaulted by him.
Is there anything that they can do? Her new friend wants them to put posters up in his town when they return for Xmas, I have already said it is a bad idea.
Their argument is that they can possibly save another woman experiencing what they have

OP posts:

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ArabellaScott · 06/10/2020 09:07

I'm so sorry, OP. Hope you and your daughter can find a way to heal. I'm so glad she has you there to support her.

I would think the only way you could do something would be to pursue it through the police. Agree that posters is not a good way to deal with this, he sounds like a dangerous man.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 06/10/2020 09:11

I’m so sorry for what your daughter and her friend have experienced. This is a terrible idea - it’s either slander or libel (I forget which) as in the UK one is innocent until proven guilty. The only way they can prevent it from happening to another woman is to take him to court. This is of course their (individual) decision and no judgement either way whatever is decided. If going to the police is completely off the table then all you can do is encourage your daughter to move on. I’m really sorry - anything else will be construed as harassment against him.

mummmy2017 · 06/10/2020 09:11

If there are two, there will be more, I think you need the police involved.

Mydogisagentleman · 06/10/2020 09:25

Thank you for your responses.
I doubt that either of them would go to the police, it just seems so unfair that this little tosser can go about his daily life with no consequences.
I have pointed out to her that her life is infinitely better than his, despite her having to repeat her first year of A levels , she is getting on with her life while the best he can hope for is a 3rd star on his burger badge.
What really pisses her off is him still being active on Tinder and describing himself as caring and sensitive

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Mydogisagentleman · 06/10/2020 09:27

...And, it’s clear that there will be more victims, they are at a university 100+ miles away from our house and the other woman lives about 25 miles away from us.
For 2 people who have never met before to have experienced this is beyond coincidence

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OhHolyJesus · 06/10/2020 09:31

Another one suggesting the police should be involved but I say that at the same time as understanding the likelihood of an arrest and conviction and that the whole experience for the women involved be harrowingly awful.

I have a close friend who was raped, they caught him. His wife said "not again" when she opened the door to the police and he was tried for two other rapes and went down for 4 years, released after 2. The 4th rape victim couldn't participate, she was a foreign exchange student who was raped in her own bed, at the family she was with. He was a friend of the family.

At least he went in the sex offenders list.

Weirdfan · 06/10/2020 09:45

I wonder if Rape Crisis would see the chances of prosecution as more hopeful if they knew there was more than one victim? They would be better off going straight to the police imo but maybe if RC confirmed it would be viewed differently it would convince your DD and her friend to report?

LeaveMyDamnJam · 06/10/2020 09:51

Even though it is so tempting, they can’t become vigilantes. It will turn him into the victim - as perverse as that sounds. Rape crisis might be the people to go to at this stage.

ahagwearsapointybonnet · 06/10/2020 09:58

I think (but please correct me if I'm wrong if you are more knowledgeable about this) that even if it doesn't get any further (no prosecution or whatever), it can still be helpful to have reported him to the police, and can make a difference if there are further claims made against him in future. And it's possible the police may decide it does have a chance of being prosecuted, especially with more than one person coming forward. So I would say speak to them, if the girls can bring themselves to. (But definitely don't do the posters or anything similar!).
It's also possible that a police investigation might turn up other victims who were willing to speak out and/or who had more hard evidence against him...which would improve the chances of a conviction.

Mydogisagentleman · 06/10/2020 10:01

I will be seeing her in a couple of weeks time and will suggest that both of them contact RC.
We are fairly rural and consequently I don’t think our women’s services are as good or effective as those in cities.

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ArabellaScott · 06/10/2020 10:21

Can the police not record any charges made, even if the case is unlikely to get to court? Will this not help if other women come forward? Sorry, I don't know much about the legal aspects of this.

This has some info that might be helpful - there are specialists within the police to help deal with this kind of situation:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/rape-and-sexual-assault/

ArabellaScott · 06/10/2020 10:23

Oh, yes, and this organisation might be helpful:

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Advice on legal aspects.

Weirdfan · 06/10/2020 10:24

We are fairly rural and consequently I don’t think our women’s services are as good or effective as those in cities.

I must admit I was surprised RC would have put it in such blunt terms. I'm sure they do have to advise being realistic about prosecution but I'm not sure putting victims off even trying is good practise.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 06/10/2020 11:14

When I was at uni Facebook was very new but there were pages which girls posted on, warning other girls away from certain lads. A lot went round the grapevine too. Unofficial but it had its merits.

Mydogisagentleman · 06/10/2020 13:03

Weird fan, I don’t know what was discussed during the meeting, it took place when she was 17 and 6 or so months post relationship. At the time, I think she was still traumatised and wasn’t entrirely thrilled at me contacting them on her behalf.
Personally I would like everyone in his town to know what he is like.
In the past couple of years, there have been a number of murders in his town. I ALWAYS hope it’s him

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Weirdfan · 06/10/2020 16:31

I know exactly what you mean about that, I do the same with someone evil from my past. I would hope DD would have a better experience with RC this time but I still think the two of them going to the police together would be the best way forward if they can possibly face it. I'm fully aware it's not always a fair outcome but it would be even more unfair if any of you got into trouble for trying to get justice another way, he's done enough damage as it is

Mydogisagentleman · 07/10/2020 09:55

Weird fan, thanks for that.
I spoke to her last night and asked if her new friend would be comfortable with going to the police. She said she would ask her and let me know.
It’s unlikely that anything will happen before Xmas. Her university looks likely to lockdown on Friday

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Mydogisagentleman · 10/02/2021 15:02

An update.
She has unearthed 4 more women who have had this assault from him.
She went to the police in her uni city who were very interested and, as she is not a lone voice are going to be taking it further.
I’m so happy, I haven’t heard her so upbeat for a long time.

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WendyTestaburger · 10/02/2021 15:06

Lots of luck to you and your daughter

Winesalot · 10/02/2021 15:55

I hope that they are able to successfully prosecute. Good luck to your daughter.

Mydogisagentleman · 10/02/2021 16:03

Just had a WhatsApp.
CID are now involved.
She’s a different person!

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GlitterBiscuits · 10/02/2021 16:06

Massive well done to your daughter for being so brave.
It could be my daughter out there.Thank you.

I hope she only has happy experiences from now on.

JorisBonson · 10/02/2021 16:06

@Mydogisagentleman your DD sounds like a fantastic girl and very, very brave.

I used to work in a sexual offences unit and had a very similar case. The CPS took it very, very seriously.

Best of luck to all of you x

Mydogisagentleman · 10/02/2021 17:23

Thank you for your support.
She said she isn’t allowed to be in contact, or at least no discussion of the situation with the others.
I am properly proud of her and really hope that the CPS have sufficient evidence to charge the shit

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JorisBonson · 10/02/2021 18:17

Everything crossed for you and them OP!

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