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Let myself down

(31 Posts)
madderose Mon 31-Aug-20 08:42:45

I've been GC for a few years now. Follow loads of GC people on Twitter, listen to loads of podcasts about it, have just read the Abigail Shrier book. However I'm not "out" except to 3 close friends.

Yesterday I was at an outdoor event with some family and friends of my in laws. One of them was asking about our recent trip on the steam train over the Glenfinnan viaduct.....known as the Harry Potter train....I was describing the trip and then this friend said "but of course JKR is in the news for all of the the wrong reasons now isn't she?" With a knowing nod.

I'm ashamed to say I just blustered it, made a sort of "errrm" noise and then changed the subject.

But I didn't feel it was
The time or place to get into a debate about it, and my in laws would have been annoyed/bewildered at me for ruining the atmosphere with a GC explanation.

I feel I need to have some stock replies ready if this should happen again! And I feel like I've betrayed JK who is so brave and amazing.

OP’s posts: |
midgebabe Mon 31-Aug-20 08:47:10

Innocent questioning

"Sorry I haven't heard"

"But if 'twaw then you'd sleep with them/let you child play rugby with them?"

FemaleAndLearning Mon 31-Aug-20 08:51:25

What sticking up for women's rights?

Jellyeggs Mon 31-Aug-20 08:51:44

I’ve been in that conversation with friends and said “I thought she was bang on” with a shrug - and with people who are acquaintances more than friends I’ve completely ignored it and changed the subject as you did. I’ve also done the ambiguous eye roll. They don’t have to know who I’m rolling my eyes at.

There’s a time and a place if you don’t want to become the political ranter that everyone avoids. And if you don’t care then good on you, you’re a better woman than I am.

Wondersense Mon 31-Aug-20 08:53:44

"but of course JKR is in the news for all of the the wrong reasons now isn't she?" With a knowing nod.

That almost sounds to me like your friend was testing to see if you were actually in agreement with JK. Your friend might not have wanted to admit their real opinions because they were afraid, so they tried to err on the safe side and see if you would be brave enough to contract them. I might be wrong because I don't know them. Sounds like fucking Handmaiden's Tale. What are we in these days? Is this Communist Romania??

Wondersense Mon 31-Aug-20 08:54:39

Contradict*

WiserOlder Mon 31-Aug-20 08:54:58

Yeh, don't worry, you can't change the minds of some people. I've heard JK slated by a fake woke woman at work in her late 20s if that who thinks the whole Karen meme is hilarious. I gently challenged that and was told that YES, middle-aged women are entitled. I said nothing. Being entitled to respect is entitled you see.

If it comes up again with different people I will say ''no she was right'' and leave it there.

DancelikeEmmaGoldman Mon 31-Aug-20 08:55:53

I’ve done the, “have you actually read her essay? No? You probably should.” and left it at that. Most of the people bleating about JKR’s transphobia haven’t read what she wrote, so I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself for not having the conversation - you’d be wasting your breath.

Babdoc Mon 31-Aug-20 09:07:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ArabellaScott Mon 31-Aug-20 09:11:05

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, OP. There are times and places. I'm never sure how effective it is when a situation is emotive. And given that the majority view aligns with GC views, I think it's more important to contact MPs, councils, etc. This kind of 'opinion' changes with the wind, its the legislation that matters.

FWIW, though, I think a good method of response is just to ask questions, allow the discussion to play out with minimal input. So, just 'is she? How come?' will often allow things to play out well. Most of the 'JKR is transphobic' stuff just doesn't stand up to scrutiny, debate, any kind of attempt to explain it.

testing987654321 Mon 31-Aug-20 09:15:33

I had the same at work after I said I was reading one of her books. I didn't really reply, as I just didn't want to get into a political discussion right then. I have in the past and I am sure I will in the future, but not every time possible.

quixote9 Mon 31-Aug-20 09:23:41

As people have said, there's a time and a place. If it had been a political discussion and you let a defense of Rowling slide, yes, you could blame yourself a bit.

A social occasion with your in-laws? The only person committing a floater is the guy casting aspersions on JKR. He's the one bringing politics in where it doesn't belong.

I'd say, like jellyeggs, that you're fully within the rules of non-political politeness to respond pleasantly, "Oh, I think she's bang on," and move on to other topics.

madderose Mon 31-Aug-20 09:54:50

Thanks everyone, useful ideas here

OP’s posts: |
madderose Mon 31-Aug-20 09:55:55

I did feel a bit like Peter 😂

OP’s posts: |
madderose Mon 31-Aug-20 10:10:38

* Your friend might not have wanted to admit their real opinions because they were afraid, so they tried to err on the safe side and see if you would be brave enough to contract them. I might be wrong because I don't know them. Sounds like fucking Handmaiden's Tale. What are we in these days? Is this Communist Romania?*

Very good point! I know Konstantin Kisin, who I know some have been critical of on here because of his attitude towards Posie, has drawn a lot of comparisons with communist Russia where he is from and current wokeness.....

OP’s posts: |
Gottalife Mon 31-Aug-20 11:25:28

You are correct. It wasn't the time or the place. It could have spoiled everyones day. Religion and politics are a nono in polite company. Good etiquette.

SerenityNowwwww Mon 31-Aug-20 11:27:52

It always the time or place. I find a long hard quizzical stare or asking questions like a 3 year old (how? But how? But howwwwwww?? Usually works - people just repeat things they’ve seen on twitter and often haven’t actually read / thought for themselves.

JoodyBlue Mon 31-Aug-20 11:41:13

With @SerenityNowwwww on this one.

queenofknives Mon 31-Aug-20 11:59:29

Every time her name is mentioned (and quite often when it's not!) I say, 'oh I LOVE her' and see where the conversation goes...

SerenityNowwwww Mon 31-Aug-20 12:00:14

And remember all the charity work she does so you can tell people that too.

DarkmilkAddict Mon 31-Aug-20 12:14:23

I also go with the questing angle “oh, what’s she said?” In the hope they’ll realise while saying it out loud that she’s actually making sense.

It’s a bit disingenuous to play faux naive but I have a real problem with confrontation (which I’m working on)

TweeBree Mon 31-Aug-20 12:46:00

I'm very much 'pick your battles'. No one can fight injustice all the time. You aren't a machine.

Beamur Mon 31-Aug-20 12:56:45

queenofknives

Every time her name is mentioned (and quite often when it's not!) I say, 'oh I LOVE her' and see where the conversation goes...

Love this.
It's also how I'm recognising my fellow GC'ers too!
OP sometimes it's just not the right time or place to get into a discussion. My general response when anyone drops a bomb is to simply ask 'why?' (works for pretty much any tricky topic) which gives you a handle on what the other person thinks, space to collect your own thoughts and decide whether or not you want to engage.

ErrolTheDragon Mon 31-Aug-20 13:58:26

* "but of course JKR is in the news for all of the the wrong reasons now isn't she?"*

I'd hope my answer would have been along the lines of, "yes, it's really awful how she's being abused for defending women's rights, isn't it?"

Thelnebriati Mon 31-Aug-20 14:11:06

I don't think you betrayed anyone and you were right not to turn a family event into a scene.
Its a good point about having some stock answers ready, but its not really likely that we are going to change anyone's opinion with them so do it for your own benefit (and the lurkers), not theirs.
We don't need to 'win' arguments this way, because the majority 'belief' is that sex is real. (I can't believe its 2020 and I'm typing that).

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