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Who believed me about rape?

(46 Posts)
socialhermit Fri 22-May-20 02:12:34

In 2018 I was raped by a stranger. I had unfortunately put myself in an extremely dangerous situation and the worst happened.

In 2019 the rapist, who was already on remand, was convicted of his crime in the crown court and received his sentence.

What I am finding difficult to recover from is the number of people who thought I had lied. I just cannot emotionally recover from that. I just can't move on.

The people who believed me were my two best friends, my mum and my brother. And also the police and the amazing police officer/detective in charge of the case.

I was so totally naive. I didn't realise that I had to keep it secret. I am a very open person, so wherever the terrible events influenced my life, I was just honest and explained what was happening in my life.

It became very clear very quickly people didn't believe me!! I was shocked and felt so betrayed and worthless. The disbelievers included my work colleagues (I was working as a nhs nurse), a Samaritans helpline volunteer (who called the police to report her concerns!), my GP (who said it was extremely unusual that someone who had been examined at a SARC would consent to the records being passed to the GP), and basically the list goes on and on....

To go through the trauma of rape and the stress of the police investigation. It was so hard.

But I just CANNOT get over the amount of people who I thought knew me who just showed me ......pain.

A lot of these posts about rape critisize the police . They stood by me 100%. Maybe I was in the minority but the police believed me and helped me and cared and pursued the conviction. I felt fully zippy you them.

To this day though I just cannot get over the number of people who gossiped and didn't believe me or help me. I just don't know how I can ever recover from the feeling of betrayal and how I can ever trust again?

socialhermit Fri 22-May-20 02:20:40

Typo...

I felt fully zippy you them = I felt fully supported by them!

confused

ParkheadParadise Fri 22-May-20 02:22:54

Sorry that happened to you.
I'm glad he received a sentence.

I've also had dealings with the police and they were also 100% supportive and got me through the worst period of my life.
Were you never offered counselling @socialhermit

socialhermit Fri 22-May-20 02:29:00

@ParkheadParadise

I'm glad they were helpful to you as well.

Yes I was on a waiting list for counselling, but my mental health deteriorated so badly that I haven't been able to go ahead with it yet. I'm working with a cpn to try and recover some basic emotional stability and at some point in the future I will have counselling.

ParkheadParadise Fri 22-May-20 02:35:02

@socialhermit
Counselling really helped me. Hopefully you will get the help you need soon and be able to move on with your life.

socialhermit Fri 22-May-20 02:54:13

Thank you. I really need to move on. There are so many emotions to work through. I think currently I'm just working through the feeling of betrayal from those who didn't believe me. It really fucking hurts 😥. My cpn is great and is really helping me. I've been so mentally unstable since it happened

Mummaofmytribe Fri 22-May-20 02:56:25

flowersto you OP.

socialhermit Fri 22-May-20 03:03:44

I lost so much because of this attack. The thing is, if people around me had believed me and supported me, I would have got through the whole process a lot easier. Instead it was unbearably stressful. I lost my job, my home, a lot of friends, and my sanity!

I'm just amazed that most women these days claim to be feminist but we're so quick to think the worst of me. I seriously hope I never ever treat a sister that way.

I have a new home now, which I like. I don't have a job. Some of the lost friendships are unrecoverable, hopefully I can learn to trust again and make some new friends. My sanity....I'm a bit better now than a year ago

Chinchinatti Fri 22-May-20 03:12:04

I too was raped about 3 years ago now - could be 4 years actually.
I wasn't really believed - that or people didn't know what to say.
I sent some of them the articles in newspapers about it.
I didn't proceed with making a statement. I was drunk and felt that I wouldn't be believed. I'm 100% convinced that I was drugged. There were other factors which made me believe that I wouldn't be believed also.
Less than a month later, he raped someone else who did pursue the complaint and he got sentenced to 9 years (he had previous and was just out of jail for rape).
Let it go - they don't have to believe you. You know what happened. Strongly strongly strongly recommend therapy.

Chinchinatti Fri 22-May-20 03:17:29

What annoyed me though was that the police could easily have found him if they bothered to investigate at all and then I would have made a statement. But they didn't. So then they call me 3 weeks later asking whether I would now make a statement as they had someone in custody who they believed to be the suspect in my case. I went back and forth saying I would, saying I wouldn't. When I got the call, I googled rapist, the area he was from and an extremely identifying physical feature and found him in a 2 second google search. So I was a bit pissed off at that.

socialhermit Fri 22-May-20 03:20:22

@Chinchinatti

Wow thank you for your post. Very moving. I'm really glad the person who did it to you finally got justice.

The person who did it to me had also attacked another woman a year previously. The police believed her too, but there wasn't enough evidence to charge him. I don't know the details or if she will ever find out that he finally got caught and went to prison.

I know I need to let it go and move on. Sometimes it just takes over my head! I will speak to my cpn tomorrow about counselling.

Chinchinatti Fri 22-May-20 03:23:33

It took me about a year to get over it, with a lot of help from community psychiatry. I wouldn't leave my flat. A psychiatrist eventually came and took me for a walk around the block. I was petrified of everyone. Of everyone who looked like him (before he was jailed). I got a sense of relief when he was jailed as I wasn't constantly looking out for him. He was initially in court on the two rape charges. My case was dropped due to lack of evidence (my not being fit to make a statement). I was vomiting daily and drinking heavily. I was a shaking mess. I'm now happy to confirm that it barely ever even crosses my mind.

socialhermit Fri 22-May-20 03:27:59

The police were amazingly quick in my case. He was a stranger but they identified him through fingerprints and had him in custody within 48 hours. They wanted to charge and remand him there and then but the cps wanted more evidence first so they had to let him go , but a few months later he was locked up.

There were many reasons why the police could have let my case go. But they didn't. I guess I should be grateful that the people that mattered believed me and supported me....instead of feeling bitter about some silly cow bags didn't believe me.

Chinchinatti Fri 22-May-20 03:28:30

The worst part was that my boyfriend at the time didn't believe me either - he thought that I had gone off with this guy willingly. His first reaction when I told him that I had been raped was 'Why did you go with him?'.
As if it was my fault. He's now an ex. He was a piece of shit anyway. I actually don't know how I ended up at his house - I have zero memory. 100% believe I was drugged as when I woke up the next day and he raped me, I literally couldn't fight him off at all.

Chinchinatti Fri 22-May-20 03:31:59

A lot of my counselling/therapy actually focused on my belief that nobody believed me. Perhaps it's common. Definitely get some therapy.
I used a service called the Haven. I don't want to link to the particular service that I used as it would out my location. They're a charity.

socialhermit Fri 22-May-20 03:35:26

Yep, the worst bit is not being believed by people you trust. I am so glad he is your ex now! I'm no longer in touch with any of the people who didn't believe me. I was very pleased to send them a letter from the courts confirming his conviction and sentence! Like "eat this bitches!!" I'm glad Psychiatry helped you. Community mental health team have kept me alive. I am doing much better now....just having one of those nights where it's playing over in my head.

I feel better for talking to you. I am going to go to bed now I think! Thank you for sharing your story with me, you have helped me.

DownADirtRoad Fri 22-May-20 03:38:44

I’m sorry for what you have been through but very glad this man was sentenced for what he did to you.

I think very few women lie about being raped. For that reason I always believe women, even when the accused is found not guilty. I remember reading, I think from a police officer, that it’s so hard for rape cases to get to court, that if they do, the police are pretty much sure that the rape happened. And in most cases where a rape was reported, it is extremely likely that the rape took place, even if there isn’t enough evidence. That’s always stayed with me and I believe any woman that says she has been raped.

I guess a positive to take from this, if there could possibly be one, is that you know who the people are that truly love and care for you, your 2 best friends, your mum and your brother. I’m so glad that you felt supported by the police too.

Very best wishes for the future.

Chinchinatti Fri 22-May-20 03:41:40

Stay strong. You will actually get over it.
Sent you a pm.

ScreamingBeans Fri 22-May-20 06:17:28

All the shit about #metoo having gone too far and this disbelief about women's experience is still so prevalent.

I'm so sorry so many people in your day to day life disbelieved you. It's a horrendous thing to go through. Have you phoned Rape Crisis, while you're waiting for counselling they may be able to talk to you over the phone?

OhHolyJesus Fri 22-May-20 08:17:13

So sorry OP. I believe you. I don't know why anyone wouldn't, I don't understand the default position is that it's the woman's fault. It doesn't make any sense to me, it's hardly a claim you would make up for fun, there's nothing to be gained from lying so why would anyone lie?

It's especially tragic that those close to you didn't believe you and I'm sorry that happened to you. It must be terribly hard to bear. I hope you get a good counsellor to help you.

RadicalFern Fri 22-May-20 08:44:03

I completely understand OP. A few years down the line from being assaulted I am not nearly so distressed by what actually happened as I am by how people I told (like the people in whose house it happened) decided that actually it wasn't assault, and that my assailant had probably just thought I consented. They were good friends of mine and now I can't bear to see them or even think about them; it makes me so angry.

RoyalCorgi Fri 22-May-20 09:37:59

I'm so sorry, OP. And I can imagine this is the worst part, because it's such a huge betrayal of trust from people who you would normally expect to believe you. It's an absolute punch to the guts to discover how cruel human beings can be.

For what it's worth, I believe you.

QualityFeet Fri 22-May-20 09:45:54

I am so sorry. I think there are some big moments in life where often you find who your good friends are. This is one of those issues where people like to disbelieve you because it dit’s with their world view that it couldn’t then happen to them. It is beyond awful - they are dreadful people and should be ashamed of themselves. I am sorry this happened to you and wish you strength as you rebuild your life. X

endofthelinefinally Fri 22-May-20 10:00:21

When something terrible happens life changes to "before" and "after".
You find out who your friends are. You have to distance yourself from the people who are not your friends. Your real friends will support you and stay close. Eventually you make new friends. In time, life gets better. You will get stronger.
flowers

trulyconfuseddotcom Fri 22-May-20 10:18:04

I am so sorry this person did this to you. You say you put yourself in a stupid position but that doesn't give anyone the right to do this to you. You are not to blame. It must be so much worse to have people you thought you could trust not believe you. I believe you. I hope time and counselling can help you to move on. You are stronger than this. Best of luck to you.

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