Husband is offended by feminism.

(10 Posts)
Leopardo Sat 04-Apr-20 14:04:04

I am probably a feminist.
I realised the inequalities between men and women after having my children. I realised how undervalued my role was as a mother,I realised how little my husband valued my contribution of care as opposed to financial wealth.
It's all very sad, as I know I can not remain married to a man like him and I never would have known this until having his children.
However, I am concerned as we have 2 girls and he denies that there is any sort of inequality between men and women and that infact, men are treated wrongly. I really hope our daughters don't marry a man like their father.
When I mention any sort of pay or pension inequality, he actually gets very annoyed by it and sites how men aren't treated equally by the courts when it comes to child custody etc. I have tried explaining to him that feminists don't want to be better than men but equal to. He says they already are, but infact, men are poorly treated and criticised by women and that if men ever described women as being incapable as women often do in memes on social media etc, there would be hell up.
I have explained the reason these memes exist is because women are fighting back at inequality but he gets frustrated and says I "talk nonsense."
He says that feminists are women who want to put down men.
He doesn't get it at all.
I wish my daughters had a better male role model to look up to.
Is there any way of me getting him to see things more clearly for the sake of our daughters?

OP’s posts: |
Doyoumind Sat 04-Apr-20 14:07:46

Well, men who are offended by feminism only confirm that it should exist. Sounds like he's unlikely to change but perhaps you could suggest he joins MN to browse Feminist Chat grin

Sparkletastic Sat 04-Apr-20 14:07:57

Lawks. Did this never come up before you had kids?

IceKitten Sat 04-Apr-20 14:12:23

Tell him to read Invisible Women by Caroline Perez.

NearlyGranny Sat 04-Apr-20 15:37:39

I suggest you gently explain to him that feminism is simply the radical belief that women are people, too! Ask him whether he believes that his daughters are full human beings with the same right to exist and be respected as human by him and the rest of the world as any other children. When he says yes, of course, congratulate him on being a feminist. (If he says no, he believes his daughters are less than human, you have to get yourself and them away from him ASAP, but I guarantee he won't.)

Now he may need to be helped to grasp that one group of people can advance without another group having to suffer as a result. Respect and opportunity are no zero-sum things. Did he, for instance, love his DD1 less when his DD2 arrived, or did his experience of love just expand? Or, when he had his most recent payrise, can he say whose pay went down so he could have more, or did the whole company just grow a bit?

When he gets that nobody hates him or wants him to suffer, he may stop feeling threatened by feminism and celebrate it for everyone's sake because everyone benefits when girls and women thrive, too.

I'd be much more worried by him finding feminism offensive. Can you help him to articulate what ffends him about women being human?

AnotherEmma Sat 04-Apr-20 15:40:33

Bloody hell, what a man to be father of daughters.
I hope you are still working for financial independence.

20mum Mon 20-Jul-20 21:13:53

Funnily I was going to suggest Invisible Women, too. But, first I would suggest agreeing with him, find every way to sympathise with the unfairness of being a man in a silly world, for instance having to wear collar and tie in a heat wave, and not, unless you are Grayson Perry, having the range of colours and materials women have. Men do have some grounds to complain, and the custody thing is partly true. You know and we know it's a teacup of unfairness to men against a tanker of injustice to women, but he doesn't.

Maybe seeing you support his grievances might make him a little more receptive to the socking great facts in Invisible Women (which, by the way, is a textbook all children should have access to). Your DH, like most men, like most people in fact, just cannot know what isn't widely known. The author can only scratch the surface, even so. Women get a tough time in court, longer sentences, or sentences at all, for minor and for first offences, large numbers of remand in custody for being accused of minor crimes, and a vast number being then found not guilty, after their and their children's lives have been badly upset. Women being imprisoned for lack of t.v. licence. Women can be a risk to others, but it is rare. As a generalisation, a distressed woman hurts herself, a distressed man hurts someone else.

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EarthSight Thu 10-Sep-20 22:00:22

Does he know that the vast majority of sexual predators, and violent criminals are men, and that puts his little girls at an additional risk? Why is it that parents seem to be more worried about their girl's whereabouts, especially at night and how they get home compared to their boys? What's the reason for that I wonder?

If his teenage daughter was stuck at a bus station on her own at dusk and she phoned him and said she was waiting there, and said 'Oh Dad, there's man offering to give me a lift', would he not think 'uh oh' in the back of his mind? If he did, why would that be?

sites how men aren't treated equally by the courts when it comes to child custody

This is the main, and often the only thing that MRAs can come up with.

I hope he's a good husband to you otherwise OP.

Lushers Thu 10-Sep-20 22:07:37

I was married to a man like this too, it was part of the reason why I grew to detest him over the years. I don't have any advice really other than, in my view he will never change and nothing you can say will alter his skewed opinions derived from years of male entitlement. I could no longer love a man who could be so anti-women ( amonsgt a whole lot other stuff that I also could not stand for either )

You will figure it out. All you can do is role model a positive experience for your girls and discuss with them topics about this sort of thing, but away from him

SoulofanAggron Fri 02-Oct-20 00:57:18

I had an ex like this. I will see it as a red flag in any man in future and ditch them.

Perhaps he's not the man for you OP. x

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