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That Moment When...

(25 Posts)
GinnyLane Mon 17-Feb-20 18:04:12

It affects you.

I know there have been women and men complaining, contemplating and convincing others for years. But this is a thread for those who never really noticed the erosion of their rights, who have been "nice" for far too long. Who have bought into the idea that most people are nice, decent, kind, caring. And now find themselves... on the wrong side of "nice".

So I'll start:

I met up with a friend. We drank together. He raped me. Despite my request, I was unable to see a female officer (and I waited an hour and an half to urinate, so that I could be supervised). I was unable to request a female escort to the appropriate station (the police "changed hands", ie swapped me over in a carpark, in front of photo-taking tourists). Luckily, a female doctor was available for my physical, internal and emotional testing, but I heard her discuss my attacker with my liaison officer. I was unable to request a female photographer for evidential collection. A male officer was assigned to take me home. I thought I was fortunate, as my partner had accompanied me (though he was excluded from any part of my evidence), but said male officer sympathised with my partner, as he had had to wait all day for me.

My case - my experience - has been discharged. Nothing more will happen, except my memories and nightmares. I always thought I was "nice"... but I will fight for my niece's single sex spaces, and warn her of the risks of being "nice", until society acknowledges my experience.

OP’s posts: |
yellowkangaroo Mon 17-Feb-20 18:09:17

There is nothing I can say other than I'm so sorry that you had this experience, both the betrayal by the friend and the poor service by the police thanks

RufustheLanglovingreindeer Mon 17-Feb-20 18:14:13

So sorry That this happened to you ginny flowers

FrogsFrogs Mon 17-Feb-20 18:16:04

I'm so sorry Ginny.

GinnyLane Mon 17-Feb-20 18:16:54

Hi Yellow,

Thanks for your support, it is very much appreciated.

Unfortunately, I know that I actually received better than average care (both by statistical analysis, and because I felt able to promote my own rights).

OP’s posts: |
FrogsFrogs Mon 17-Feb-20 18:19:03

The bit about saying to your partner, sorry about putting him out.

Reminded me of when I was in a post induction emergency situation. In the delivery room and in the operating theatre many people were very worried about my DH...

Off track but hopefully relevant. I haven't reported either of my rapes, nor the minor stuff, apart from one. Police weren't interested.

I really am sorry xx

GinnyLane Mon 17-Feb-20 18:22:16

flowers rufus
flowers Frogs

I thank you for your support, but I was lucky to be knowledgeable, I knew my rights. I also - sadly - knew the prosecution and conviction rate - but I knew to make all of my evidence admissible, so many women are dealt a worse hand.

Love and support to all.

OP’s posts: |
Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons Mon 17-Feb-20 18:25:45

Ginny flowers
I’m so sorry this was done to you both by that bastard & by an inherently misogynistic system sad

GinnyLane Mon 17-Feb-20 18:28:13

Frogs, it's true - their experience is so different from ours.

I wish I could support and hold all of my sisters (no matter how//when they ended up with me!)

Your bravery shines through, and I thank you for your support. We are better than the hand we have been dealt.

OP’s posts: |
FrogsFrogs Mon 17-Feb-20 18:32:04

Yes. Women, when it suits men and the establishment, are 'strong'.

When it suits them otherwise, we are weak...

The dichotomy shows the whole misogynist shitshow up for what it is.

We are what men say we are, to make them feel best.

Meantime, we get the fuck on with it.

FrogsFrogs Mon 17-Feb-20 18:33:26

Thank you for the words that give us all strength xx

GinnyLane Mon 17-Feb-20 18:34:12

Thanks, Gibbons, I still struggle with his presence within my social life. You have been a voice of reason to me.

OP’s posts: |
Ereshkigalangcleg Mon 17-Feb-20 18:35:41

So sorry you're having to go through this Ginny thanks

Whatsbrownandsticky Mon 17-Feb-20 18:45:36

Sorry that this happened. I loathe the way women are treated by the justice system. And yes, nice doesn't work.
Men love it when we're nice, not that they are to us.

justcly Mon 17-Feb-20 18:51:24

I went out drinking after my marriage broke up. Drank too much, picked up a bloke and took him home. We were having sex. He started throttling me. I was struggling, panicking, fighting for breath. He just squeezed harder. In the end I grabbed a vase off the bedside table and hit him over the head with it. I had black and purple bruises on my throat, on my sides where he had used his knees to hold me down. I had no voice for weeks. I called the police. No charges. He said, it was just rough sex and I changed my mind halfway through. The policeman said - if we charge him we will have to charge you, for assaulting him with a vase. This was thirteen years ago. I still can't stand men near me.

NotAGirl Mon 17-Feb-20 20:11:06

justcly GinnyLane flowers

So so many women have been raped and each one is uniquely horrible and very rarely is anything close to justice done.

A gentle reminder, (not all men just in case any are looking to report me)
and I am so fucking pissed off to have to add that caveat to try and avoid deletion
there are men who watch this board who get off on descriptions of rape

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons Mon 17-Feb-20 21:06:25

* justcly* that’s horrific I’m so sorry flowers

ginny you shouldn’t have to have him in your social circle honestly my heart is breaking just reading that. flowers

SophocIestheFox Mon 17-Feb-20 21:17:59

ginny and justcly, I am so sorry for what has been done to you.

Wishing you strength and better times ahead flowers

I agree totally that we can all afford to be a lot less nice about a lot of things, and violence against women is way up that list.

youkiddingme Mon 17-Feb-20 21:35:48

I can't bring myself to say anything other than I'm sorry. And Angry on your behalf and on behalf of women. flowers

Siameasy Mon 17-Feb-20 21:44:32

I’m really sorry for what happened to you.

Men haven’t a clue what it is to walk in this world as a woman. They even know what men are like because they joke about shotguns and their daughters’ boyfriends but they don’t care.

justcly Mon 17-Feb-20 22:24:52


I am aware of that. But I'm at the stage where I just don't care. This is women's lived experience. There are thousands, there are hundreds of thousands of us who have been raped, beaten, assaulted by men and have had no legal redress. There are far too many of us who have been murdered who have had no justice. So I'm talking. I'm not going to stop. When Jill Saward wrote her best seller about her rape ordeal, people questioned her. "It's blood money" they said. Her response: "Yes, but it's my blood".

nonsenceagain Mon 17-Feb-20 22:33:35

I'm so sorry Ginny and justcly.

theflushedzebra Mon 17-Feb-20 23:08:44

sad thanks thanks

Women's lived experience.

The rough sex/choking = "consensual" thing chills me to the bone when I think of my beautiful DD growing up. Growing up in a world where hardcore porn glories in hurting women, where men are believed and women aren't, where women are being forbidden any safe spaces away from males, can't even meet without being called hateful, where women get very little justice.

I thought we had it all in the 90s when I was studying at University - but now we're being pushed backwards.

I have been raped and sexually assaulted a number of time. Never reported. When I think about it, I get a taste in my mouth. Like that taste you sometimes get if you're going to be sick. I've got it now, writing this.

GinnyLane Tue 18-Feb-20 15:41:31

Thank you to all for your outpouring of support, and my thoughts are with you as well.

I feel so sad that the validation of MeToo is necessary, and that it means so many of us have been harmed, but I am grateful in the knowledge that I do not stand alone.

Another poster graciously shared on a FWR thread that her daughter doesn't perceive feminism as being "about her", as the fights have already been fought... I hope that the next generation does not have to fight, but if (or sadly, when) they do, I will be on the frontline with them, if they will have me.

OP’s posts: |
NotAGirl Wed 19-Feb-20 07:32:01

justcly you are right and my blood ran cold reading your story that was horrific and the police response appalling.

Far too many of us have rape stories, mine was not as bad as yours and GinnyLame a drugged drink decades on it still haunts me that he and his accomplice got away with it.

I remember Jill Stewards case she was right to write her book, I was said she died too early.

I am appalled there are sick bastards that get off on our stories they should all be locked up angry

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