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Blaming women for men's suicide

(90 Posts)
Gingerkittykat Sun 01-Dec-19 16:35:03

Ex blamed for causing mean's suicide.

I'm so angry at this article, and not just because I am arguing with a local MRA about it. The man was obviously in a bad place and let down badly by mental health services but lets blame the woman because that is easier.

MorrisZapp Sun 01-Dec-19 16:37:55

It's his girlfriend and family who said his problems were worsened by his ex, as heard at the inquest. I'm not sure the article 'blames a woman'.

Fraggling Sun 01-Dec-19 19:50:32

This is the headline though

'Dad, 36, killed himself ‘when ex-wife wouldn’t let him see kids for Christmas’

Most people will take that at face value, at a glance, and move on.

There has been a lot of work to try to stop the press doing this sort of thing, it's like eg

'Woman killed because she was 'seeing other men' '

The speech marks are there but most people take it at face value.

Papers should be more careful with this stuff.

In this case when you read it, he had major mental health issues and had argued with his girlfriend, it's her who says it's due to the ex though, and that is the headline.

Real story is man with serious mental health issues commits suicide but that's not so interesting from a press perspective.

I'm with you op.

Coyoacan Mon 02-Dec-19 03:44:08

Whao, that is disgusting.

Gingerkittykat Mon 02-Dec-19 03:54:18

Does the same ever happen in reverse? Is a female suicide ever blamed on a man in the same way?

FWRLurker Mon 02-Dec-19 04:00:10

Yeah headline is awful.

Being the nuclear family of a seriously depressed person is incredibly high stress. There’s a reason they broke up. Maintaining boundaries is important. Understandable GF is looking for someone besides him to blame but hopefully thorough therapy she’ll learn it was his choice and no one else’s and apologize to ex wife.

jay55 Mon 02-Dec-19 04:34:23

Terrible things for the kids to read when they look up their dad, their mum being blamed.

Kantastic Mon 02-Dec-19 05:10:36

That seems worthy of an IPSO complaint honestly, though I'm sure it's the last thing that poor woman needs at this point with the father of her children suddenly dead. It's absolutely appalling.

People are very ready to blame women for male suicide (and homicide) even when the press don't cue them up for it - you even see people blaming the girls who turned down a school shooter for the shooting spree. Or for another example, Ariana Grande came in for considerable hate and harassment when her ex was found dead of an overdose.

In this situation an actual newspaper article is uncritically reporting claims that a man killed himself because his mean ex-wife (the mean ex-wife! she's been typecast as a misogynist hate figure!) wouldn't let him see his children - on Christmas! She's being set up to be hated. She's at serious risk of targeted harassment from internet misogynists and even if she escapes that she may receive vitriol offline from people who read the article.

Can anyone complain to IPSO or do you have to be the person the article is about? Do they regulate the Metro?

coatlessinspokane Mon 02-Dec-19 05:19:33

God that’s awful. The headline couldn’t be clearer. It’s inflammatory to say the least and imagine the effect on the kids’ relationship with their mum when they google it in the future.

It’s interesting to note that his current girlfriend had had an argument with him prior to his suicide and that it was her that pointed the finger to his ex.

GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 02-Dec-19 05:35:41

Sometimes it is the case though - my friends suicide note was proof of that.

Kantastic Mon 02-Dec-19 05:47:47

Inferring your meaning, so please tell me if I've misunderstood.

Your friend's suicide note was proof that your friend wanted other people to blame a specific woman for his suicide. It was not proof that a woman was to blame for his suicide.

Antigonads Mon 02-Dec-19 05:57:52

A fb friend posted this the other day. She posts a lot about male suicide so obviously has some history but I thought this was a bit off.

traceyracer Mon 02-Dec-19 06:12:10

Men are more violent, that's why.

PermanentTemporary Mon 02-Dec-19 06:52:28

I've been blamed for my husband's suicide by his brother. It is a truly soul crushing experience.

It is very, very hard for everyone to fight through the misery that any suicide induces. The girlfriend in this story is clearly feeling intense emotions of all sorts and is perhaps lashing out. It would really be helpful if the newspaper didn't feed into that.

I dont know if these blame spirals happen more often when a man takes his own life or a woman does.

FoamingAtTheUterus Mon 02-Dec-19 06:59:05

Have some bloody decency, there's a time and a place for debate and this isn't it.

My friend was actually mutual friends with this couple and the article is accurate.

Sometimes women stop their children seeing their dads for good reason because there are some awful ones out there and sometimes we have children being used as weapons. It does happen. And complete strangers who don't know a thing about the history shouldn't be hawking this poor guy over the internet.

LongLiveThePenis Mon 02-Dec-19 07:00:13

@GiveHerHellFromUs sorry about upir friends death.
The only way for someone to kill someone else is murder or manslaughter. You cannot make another person kill themselves, particularly in this day and age when there's helplines open 24 hours per day that you can ring for support at any time.
@PermenantTemporary I'm sorry, I hope you realise that you weren't in control of what happened and aren't to blame.

GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 02-Dec-19 07:02:03

@Kantastic she stopped him from seeing his children because he didn't want to be with her.

Her dad was his boss. He worked with her brother. His work life was made hell. They'd sit there talking about how they'd done all these fun things with his children but he wasn't even allowed to talk to them on the phone.

So I think it's fair to say she was a big contributing factor. They agreed this at his inquest, too.

GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 02-Dec-19 07:03:11

@LongLiveThePenis thank you. Don't get me wrong, he was incredibly let down by health services too.

But without all the will in the world, once you've made your decision, I don't think the Samaritans can really help.

Kantastic Mon 02-Dec-19 07:14:33

And complete strangers who don't know a thing about the history

I may not have the insider-knowledge status that being a friend of a "mutual friend" of the couple implies, but that article is still extraordinarily irresponsible.

And forgive me but your gossiping-neighbour intervention only heightens the case that the article is irresponsible.

FoamingAtTheUterus Mon 02-Dec-19 07:23:03

Kantastic there was no info in my post other than to say the article is accurate and there was no speculation or gossip.

Qcng Mon 02-Dec-19 07:51:48

Don't be ridiculous.
If the mother of your children doesn't want you to see her kids, it means you should be nicer or more thoughtful and not so selfish.
You don't commit the most selfish and cruel act of all time by killing yourself to spite her and emotionally wreck your children for the rest of their lives.
By killing himself, I can see why she wanted to keep him away. He must have been a truly messed up person.

Kantastic Mon 02-Dec-19 07:53:26

My point was that you don't actually know what went on between any of these people, whatever you know is third-hand gossip via your friend, and there's a lot of room for misrepresentation and confusion there. Anyway, I don't want to argue with you, but I commend you to your own suggestion - have some bloody decency.

GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 02-Dec-19 08:07:24

@Qcng she was toxic towards him because he didn't want to be with her. People are allowed to leave a relationship.

Don't get me wrong, he had his flaws and I agree it's a selfish act, but being a mother doesn't give you the right to play god with your children's lives.

She would go a few months letting him see them, then he'd get a new girlfriend and she'd cut contact, or she'd hear a rumour and she'd cut contact.
Him 'being nicer' wouldn't have changed things.

stucknoue Mon 02-Dec-19 08:12:24

I don't know about this specific case but I know of two young men who have killed themselves after their girlfriend's dumped them, in one case I knew the girl well and it was a standard teen breakup, he just took it badly, but the other case the ex was using the kids as weapons to get at him, demanding money, refusing access, really playing games ... it happens not all women are saints. Of course ultimately it's mental health issues that should be blamed but we can't be naive, it's possible to aggravate a situation, and men are more likely to commit suicide than women, that's simply the case.

53rdWay Mon 02-Dec-19 08:41:13

My ex threatened to kill himself if I didn’t get back together with him. He had serious mental health issues and it felt like a very real threat. (He didn’t and is fortunately doing okay now from what I know.)

In his mind it absolutely was my fault that he was suicidal, because I left. He really believed it. He was, obviously, not thinking straight. He was also abusive which didn’t help. Many of his friends thought I was very, very cruel for not getting back together with him, when he was obviously struggling so hard.

I very nearly went back to him because of this. Even though he had threatened to kill me as well as himself. I am very glad for the person who told me all those years ago that it wasn’t up to me whether or not he killed himself, it was up to him.

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