Sex for chores. Just wanted a rant about this article.

[HelenaDove]

He obviously sees himself as "helping out" and that its really womans work. Didnt want to do his share in what is also his home even though he knew she was tired until it looked like he might miss out.

graziadaily.co.uk/life/real-life/trades-sex-for-chores/


The Last Time I Had Sex: The Woman Who Trades Sex For Chores
'If he helps with the housework, there's sex


Emma*, 38, is a beautician and lives in York


"There was a stunned silence around the table, my friends open-mouthed with what I assumed was a mixture of shock, disbelief and disapproval. So, what was the confession I’d just made, admittedly after several glasses of wine, which had left everyone so incredulous? That I withhold sex from my partner until he does his share of the household chores and DIY.

I jokingly call it ‘shags for sweeping’ – others call it ‘choreplay’ – but I’m totally serious when I say that, unless he’s pulled his weight at home, he’s not getting any. Call it unromantic, or mercenary. One friend even said it sounded a bit ‘abusive’. But I don’t care. It works.

We’ve been together for eight years and have a six-year-old son. When he was born, I gave up work to be a full-time mum, and because I was at home all day while Nathan* went out to work, I looked after the house. It was a traditional set-up but it worked for us. However, a year ago, when our little boy started school, I returned to work at a luxury hotel spa.

Overnight, the dynamic of our home life changed. Suddenly, we were both rushing out in the morning and not getting home until early evening, after one of us picked up our son from his grandmother’s house. With no time during the week to keep on top of household chores, I found myself spending Saturday cleaning, while Nathan stuck to his routine of a workout at the gym and gaming with our son.

Even though I was now working too, the responsibilities for our home still fell to me, and over time I grew more and more resentful about the status quo. I tried asking Nathan to help more, even shouting at him, which is really unlike me; we’re not a couple who argue. It would work briefly – he’d cut the grass or clean the windows – but within a week or two things would slip back to the old ways and I’d be in my Marigolds while he laid on the sofa. We’re saving for a bigger home and having a cleaner is a luxury we can’t afford right now.

Six months ago, I went to bed in such a bad mood with him that when he tried to initiate sex, I refused – probably for the first time in our relationship. I explained I was exhausted, cross he wouldn’t help me, and there was no chance of sex that night, before rolling over and ignoring him. I woke the next morning to a spotless bathroom, the drawer handle that had been loose for months fixed and a remorseful Nathan, who apologised for not pulling his weight before sheepishly asking, ‘Could we have sex tonight?’ And just like that, our bedroom barter economy was born.

He knows that if he helps, and I feel things are equal on the domestic front, there’s sex – the last time was about a week ago. And if he doesn’t, I’ll put on my passion-killer pyjamas and give him the cold shoulder. The way I see it, everyone’s a winner. We both get to enjoy sex, live in a nice, clean home and, because I feel things are fairer, I’m much happier instead of brimming over with resentment"

[Gingerkittykat]

I thought the concept of withholding sex for domestic chores or money or the lack of an expensive gift was a concept which died out a long time ago.

[TheProdigalKittensReturn]

I think I'd prefer to find a male partner who doesn't need to be trained like a poorly socialized dog, personally.

[SimonJT]

‘Nathan’ sounds like a complete wanker, his behaviour will also teach his children that you only clean your own home if you are rewarded for doing it.

[Quitedrab]

It was the first time she had refused sex in their 8 year relationship? That's so depressing.

[MrsL2016]

I think it just shows how much value that man puts on his partner that her asking to share the domestic load was not sufficient to change his behaviour. But the threat of losing regular sex was. Depressing

[Sux2buthen]

Why depressing? She doesn't say she's had sex when she doesn't want to.
It can also be read that his lack of help made her feel she was 'less than' him and when she made that clear he altered his behaviour.
It's a nom story really

[Sux2buthen]

*non

[53rdWay]

Indeed MrsL2016

“I’m exhausted”
“meh”
“I’m doing all the housework”
“meh”
“I’m spending all Saturdays cleaning while you go to the gym and play games”
“meh”
“I don’t feel like sex with you now”
“my darling, I shall clean the bathroom immediately! okay NOW can we have sex?”

Not sure how she can bear to shag the man at all, he sounds like a lazy arse who thinks she’s a domestic appliance. Glad he ‘helps’ look after his own home now though

[BarbaraStrozzi]

I'd find this a depressing way to organise a marriage. As others have said it shows what this bloke thinks of his wife.

[HelenaDove]

Totally agree 53rd. Wonder how it would go if (God forbid) she got ill.

[FWRLurker]

Yeah it’s depressing but what can you do, short of DTMFA which isn’t always possible. Her PoV comes across as completely reasonable. She set a specific boundary, and he abides by it now. I don’t see a problem.

[DoctorAllcome]

I don’t think they’ll get to their tenth anniversary with that system in place. It started out ok...what woman feels like sex when too exhausted to even stay awake after her head hits her pillow? So telling him no because she’s way too tired and he’s only not tired because he isn’t pulling his weight is one thing and makes sense.

But trading sex for housework....that’s very bad imho. Like others have said it creates a reward for housework, when there should be no reward at all. Does she get rewarded for her housework? No. He should just do his share with zero expectations. Second, she’s going to start viewing sex as a chore she has to do if he’s done “his” chores.

I agree, it’s depressing.

[HelenaDove]

I know its not the same for all women but what happens in ten to twelve years time if her sex drive dips pre or during menopause.

Will he then stop doing his share.

[Whatisthisfuckery]

I remain convinced that some (a lot) of men think of sex like a slot machine. They put coins in and expect to get something out. You see it everywhere, buy her a drink, expect sex; do the vacuuming, expect sex; agree to go where she wants on holiday, sex. That’s not to say that some women don’t bribe their men with sex on purpose. The whole economy is deeply unsexy. I don’t think sex on a transactional basis works the other way around. It’s certainly never a thing I’ve come across in lesbian relationships.

[HorsewithnoRegretsNonJeNeRegre]

What's going on here then? Am I missing something?

[AncientLights]

She should spend that house deposit on a regular cleaner/gardener whatever it takes. Why have a bigger house when he's doing bugger all in the small one?

[CakeAndGin]

I think in some relationships this unintentionally happens anyway. If a woman is doing more than her fair share of the housework, she’ll likely be tired and less inclined to have sex. If the guy is helping out and she isn’t as tired, she’ll be more inclined to have sex. I think she’s actively voiced what can happen accidentally and made sure her partner is aware of the link, which I guess makes sense. Although, it seems like Nathan is a little slow on the uptake if he needed it spelt out for him.

I agree though that when her sex drive takes a dip, she’ll encounter the same problems as before. Clearly communication is an issue so it’s not like she can say “I’m not feeling it tonight despite the bang up job you did scrubbing the loo”. Although she admits that was the first time in 8 years that she turned him down for sex. So perhaps she will have zero sex drive but just agree for an easy life. Which makes me sad, not just for her but their son who is learning this attitude to women.

[teawamutu]

I think I'd prefer to find a male partner who doesn't need to be trained like a poorly socialized dog, personally.

Yup. And it sounds like he continues to be shit at pulling his weight unless there's a chance of no shagging, so still acting like it's her job and he's not going to do the right thing unless it impacts him personally. There's no way I could live with someone who had that little respect for me, let alone fuck them.

[Pandaintheporridge]

Woman who feels respected wants to have sex more. Shocker.