Bearing the weight

[FloralBunting]

So, today my daughter had a self harming episode. I have just started a new job, with really significant responsibilities. I have also been asked to take on further responsibilities in my volunteer capacity at a Foodbank. I'm actually loving having the chance to use my skills in an outside-the-family arena, but it is an added stress point. I have three other children with their own issues and difficulties. My partner is being petulant and unhelpful and leaves much of the hard stuff of counselling the kids to me because he 'just doesn't do it as well' as I do. I still do most of the housework, of course. I've got a sneaking suspicion that the menopause is making an early appearance too, so my health is a pain in the arse too.

I sound like I'm whinging but there is a point here - I am just beginning to understand what it means to be a woman in a world where everything hangs on you and I am so frustrated that of all the issues women have to deal with, trans-everything is marching in and saying, 'shut up and look at me!'

I lived much of the last twenty years as a fundamentalist Christian, and actively campaigned against feminism as it was presented to me - pro porn, pro prostitution etc.
This might be hard to believe but since I became Catholic, my perspective has shifted enormously and I have slowly begun to understand that feminism is a positive thing, a righteous thing that simply highlights the inequity in the material world that puts this enormous burden on women.

I am weary today, burning with indignation at all the unfairness I see in the world, and so bloody frustrated that so many are still determined to either receive the yoke of oppression themselves or eager to put it on others. I don't want to take anyone else's genuine rights from them. I just want to be afforded the same courtesy, because right now, I am carrying a load, similar to so many women on this planet, and I don't have too much spare to fight to hold on to rights and safety for women and girls.

[FloralBunting]

Thanks for the tip, but that really wasn't the point of the post.

[thebewilderness]

MRA trolling the FWR. Reported.

[FloralBunting]

Ah, no kidding. Come out of lurkdom, reveal you have a GNC child and don't play with Mermaids and paint a target on your back, I guess. Ah, bring it on, chaps, but, as you can see, I have ovaries of solid rock so bring your A-game.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

Sorry to hear about your DD, and all the stress you are under. It is ok to say no to additional volunteering responsibilities or maybe to say that it's too much right now but you'd be happy to do it in the future.

[FloralBunting]

Honestly, the volunteering is a bit of a lifeline to me right now - it gets me out of the house and makes me feel like a rounded person. It's the closest thing I'll ever have to a career, really, and I kind of need it for the self esteem element if that makes sense. But you're right that it's not necessary to take on too much.

[Waddlelikeapenguin]

Sounds like you need & for medicinal purposes. So sorry to hear about your DD i hope you are both getting support.

[thebewilderness]

I have reported your persistent trolling of the FWR boards.

[FloralBunting]

ElliePhantW33, bless your self absorbed goady heart, but I don't feel the slightest compunction about not making the thread about you and your irrelevant comments. Off you pop now.

Everyone else, thanks for the goodies of alcohol, cake and flowers. I can't believe it took me so long to wake up to the importance of feminism.

[Picassospaintbrush]

Well done for posting.

I too went through many cutting events with my child. I chose not to call it self harm as that was not what they were doing. This is controversial I realise, and it was not trivial, it was serious.

It passed. Puberty passes. They get through it.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

I know what you mean about the volunteering being a lifeline, if lots of other stuff is going on.

Are you able to talk to your partner about the mental load? So if you are better at counselling the children, he could help you do that by being on top of whatever housework/admin so you don't have to be.

[FloralBunting]

picasso yes, I get what you mean. And I do have confidence that it will pass most days, but it's very distressing to maintain composure in the moment and I do end up quite drained by the endless 'being strong'.

Assassinated I have tried so many times over the years to balance the load a bit. He does do all the ironing to be fair to him! And yes, is very willing to do whatever I ask of him in the house and admin. But under direction, iyswim. It's still my load to carry, even if I delegate tasks to him. I know it's not really delegation, because it's his home too, but I think you understand the mechanics.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

Yes, it's reactive rather than proactive so you're still doing the mental juggling even if he's doing the practical work.

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

There are many road to Damascus moments in life. As I have got older I constantly reassess things that I have done, or have had done to me, that have made me tired, weary or unhappy. Feminism- that centers women - had helped me realize what was good no on. I don’t count my self as rad or lib. I just listen and learn and take on board what’s been talked about. I don’t agree with everything, but a refreshing perspective once you see it.
It also helps me make decisions in all areas of my life that I may have shied away from before due to feelings of guilt or obligation.

[FloralBunting]

FeckTheMagicDragon very much so! I haven't agreed with everything I have come across under the general feminism banner, but I don't think I agree with anyone else on the planet 100%. But it has really been empowering to be able to reassess some of the things I have been taught or have come to believe for a myriad of different reasons.

[Norther]

I might be wrong but I don',t think you','re here for advice, just an opportunity to vent and connect. That',s ok. There are legends out there doing the frontline work of feminism. For the rest of us we do what little we can which may go no further than saying I',m here and I agree. I think (hope) those frontline warriors take comfort in recognising our numbers and solidarity with them.

As for the difficulties you are facing. All i can say is you have my sympathy, stay strong and I hope things get better for you.

[DancelikeEmmaGoldman]

FloralBunting, first of all you have a big load, so cheered to you for carrying it with grace and fortitude (even though some days it feels like grunt and gritted teeth).

Also your narky, upfront approach to goading made me laugh, it's one of the reasons I love female company.

On a more serious note, I think that feminism comes more clearly into focus as we age. Young women have considerable utility for the patriarchy, so they are treated differently (not necessarily better), than older women.

But once you're a middle-aged woman, you've pretty much done your race as far as society cares, and you're left with all the responsibilities but none of the attention. Once you're in the shadows, so to speak, you can more easily see the circus in the centre ring.

I hope your daughter gets better and I hope you know that other women understand your frustration. I suspect it's the company of other women which has enabled the female half of the human race to maintain sanity over the last couple of millennium.

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

I so wish I was 25 knowing what I know now. No achy knees and can drink more than one glass of wine without falling asleep AND being to make sensible decisions without feeling guilty. Anyone got a time machine so I can go have a little chat with my younger self?

Stop doing all the housework and cooking, you work full time too.
Don’t be put off from applying for that job.
Go for that promotion.
Don’t put the all your inheritance in a joint account.
Stop buying cards & presents for your in laws and arranging all their visits.
Don’t feel bad about buying those nice shoes with that birthday money.
Don’t let yourself be insulted without speaking up.
Stop trying to keep the peace.
What else?

[FloralBunting]

Norther, you are entirely correct, this was about connecting and solidarity. A chance to talk about how feminism impacts my real life experience without a man's agenda merailing it. (No matter how much the buzzing midges try).

It's very late now, there has been a lot of heartache here tonight and my partner and eldest go to Scotland tomorrow for three days, so the fun continues. I shall be back and look forward to working with you brilliant women for a genuinely better world, if that doesn't sound too pompous. Heck, it probably does, but what is 2am for if not for tear stained pomposity?

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

I

[Rufustheyawningreindeer]

flora

Really sorry to hear this, its dreadful when you feel you have no support and what your daughter is young through is an incredibly hard thing to deal with as a parent

I don't usually say when ive reported but ive reported the earlier poster...shoddy behaviour