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Women's aid? How to ask for help

(63 Posts)
Satorye Fri 02-Mar-18 14:46:02

I saw their page has few services that might be of help to me but then again I'm not sure how to ask for help or how to address it.
Basically I'm isolated with my 1.5 year old son, in an abusive relationship far from relatives and friends. I have history of sexual abuse and rape(fairly recent history as well)and let's say it hasn't been easy since I got pregnant unplanned and now I can't see how to get out of this situation, having no job or skills... I suppose no one can fix my life for me but I was wondering if there's some way to navigate out of this, even in baby steps.

MiniMum97 Fri 02-Mar-18 15:20:18

Sorry you haven't had a response earlier, possibly because you've posted in the feminism boards and you haven't included the word trans in your thread.
Sounds like you are going through a really difficult time. Have you tried just calling Women's Aid, their number is 0808 2000 247. Sometimes you just need to take the first step. They can help explore your options with you.
Good luck thanks

UpstartCrow Fri 02-Mar-18 15:21:47

Start by phoning their helpline, and repeat what you posted here. They can help you leave and find a place in a refuge, then move on from there. Its not an easy thing to do and it will take some courage on your part. But the alternative is to stay put, and the longer you stay the more you will regret it.

TimbuktuTimbuktu Fri 02-Mar-18 15:35:11

The first step is making the call. They will know how to help you.

Depending on your circumstances, if it is safe, you might want to get together an emergency bag with important documents like birth certificates, bank details and any cash you can access and a change of clothes for you and your child if you have to leave in a hurry.

Leaving is the most dangerous time so stay safe but do remember you are doing the right thing for you and your child. You are a valuable person and you deserve to live your life free from abuse thanks

TallulahWaitingInTheRain Fri 02-Mar-18 15:57:43

flowers OP

Ring them, and don't be discouraged if it takes a while to get through - they are very busy at the moment. They will help you work out how to leave safely.

Take care of yourself and stay in touch. You might also consider posting on the Relationships board, where there are a lot of posters who have had similar experiences and who are very supportive and full of good advice.

shakedowntheground Fri 02-Mar-18 16:02:38

If you can’t phone easily then try emailing them

If you ring the national helpline it can be quite difficult to get through, but try ringing your local office. I always got through straight away

They can offer a lot of practical and emotional support. They will help.

EmyRoo Fri 02-Mar-18 16:40:54

I agree try and call Women’s Aid, they will help you out of the situation, however long it takes to do safely.
Rape Crisis are also good when you are at the stage of trying to recover, but Women’s Aid will help you with the practicalities now.

It is very, very hard to make the first step and talk to someone, but you have done nothing wrong and you deserve a life free from fear with your DC. In time you will be able to train and get a job, and I am sure you have skills you have not even thought of. Being in an abusive relationship grinds down your self-esteem, but you have lots to offer the world. Concentrate on getting support and to a safe place, then there will be opportunities to take up regarding college or work.

Take care flowers

Satorye Fri 02-Mar-18 22:24:32

Thank you all for supportive replies.

My only worry is my partners(or should I call him ex, I don't know how to call him tbh)visa that's in the process.
He's applying on basis of having family/child here so I don't know would it affect it if I leave him now(the immigration people already came out of nowhere to our place in the morning to check on him since he's reapplying soon). I really don't want trouble because I feel like my DS will be left hanging in the air in case his dad has to go back to his country.

Also I'm in this country on self-employment basis and haven't had much to do lately at all. I haven't finished high school in my home country so further schooling gives me more worry.

I'm confused what to do, I feel trapped.

There'll be people at your local women's aid who will be able to advise about these issues, or they'll find out for you if they don't have an answer.
You are far from the only woman with these issues - it happens to a lot of women and there are systems in place to support you.
If they're able to support you they may also give you information about getting back into education.
I've seen a lot of women access support through women's aid, including specialist women's aid for BME women such as Shakti Women's Aid, who have gone on to get good jobs and feel so much more confident after a bit of help and guidance and the increase in confidence that comes from leaving someone who is dragging you down.

shaktiedinburgh.co.uk/immigration/ This is local to me, but there will be others near you.

CapnHaddock Fri 02-Mar-18 22:40:48

Your partner's immigration issues are a separate issue @satorye - please don't let that stop you accessing the help you need.

Please call the number listed above 0808 2000 247

womanformallyknownaswoman Sat 03-Mar-18 02:24:14

The immigration issues of the abusive ex are not your concern and to be honest it might be better that he did return home because often abusers carry on abuse after separation using the child as a weapon. It's very common.

But first things fist - get yourself and child to safety - ring Womensaid
Good luck - it's all work out in the end and there will be some disruption. But I recall a friend of mine saying she thought the day she went to a refuge was the most shameful day of her life and turns out to be the best decision she's made and the start of a while new great life for her

EmyRoo Sat 03-Mar-18 06:42:01

What woman says is sadly true - that abusive men use the children as a means of continuing the control.

There is another organisation who might be able to give advice
rightsofwomen.org.uk

They give free legal advice to women in abusive relationships or difficult legal situations. The advice lines are closed just now because of the weather, but they hope to have them up again next week. They are staffed by qualified lawyers (they do this on a voluntary basis). It can take a while to get through, so you might need to keep trying. I recall I was able to leave a message and they called me at the next opening time, though.

There is a button at the top of the website so you can hide your tracks. Also be sure your partner is not tracking you on here.

If you are in Scotland, there is a separate Rights of Women advice line for Scotland.

Your first priority is to make sure you and your child are safe.

TimbuktuTimbuktu Sat 03-Mar-18 13:14:02

How are you getting on op?

Satorye Sun 04-Mar-18 12:01:14

Thanks all I appreciate it.
I was scared to write this at first but my partner actually made fake invoices for me to get NIN(which I still have to go for...)so I'd have right to be here. I can't be other than self-employed or work in high-qualifications jobs(and I don't have qualifications...)because of my nationality restrictions. I'm about to make my son's passport and I have to do that with my partner(in London). We had to wait his passport to be sent back to make our DS passport(nevertheless partner was prolonging making it without knowing he's getting his passport soon/that he needs it).

I've flied here two and a half years ago after I met him online-I was already scared of meeting my rapists in the street(it's a small town and it happened often)and I failed to get a job(other than waitressing where people harassed me)not finishing high school so I wanted him to help me get on my feet in another country while I would help him out with his visa(his student visa expired so he wanted to make it"safe"by applying based on his partnership with me).

We weren't suppose to be together but I thought I liked him and initiated getting close. Not even a month after coming I got pregnant. No need to say it was a disaster ever since. I had no idea what a cruel person he is.

Just yesterday when I argued with him how he was a shit birthing partner he started telling me how everyone he knows think I'm"retarded", how my family must think that too. He has said worse things but this hurt me because I remembered how he ignored me while I was pregnant and how I would cry every few days just because of how isolated I felt(I know no one here and he never wanted to come out of house with me, when I would talk him in he acted like he's embarrassed).

Maybe I am"retarded", if by that he means me disassociating so often during day because what I'm going through, just to get by and make best out of taking care of our son every day, still isolated and being treated like shit.
Indeed I must be"retarded"because what else do you become living like this?

I was just a kid two-three years ago, I didn't have to be a parent at this age in these circumstances...I feel that doesn't matter to anyone at all.

UpstartCrow Sun 04-Mar-18 12:03:27

You may have some legal protection because of your situation, you really need to talk to Women's Aid and a solicitor. It sounds like you have been coerced and are in a controlling relationship.
Please talk to them.

Badgerthebodger Sun 04-Mar-18 12:07:10

Oh love. You matter. You really do. You sound like you’re trying to do the best possible for your son and you’ve taken the brave first step of asking for help. Help is out there I promise, you can get out of this horrible situation and you will build your life back up. One day you will have friends and support and you will be a different person because you won’t have the weight on your shoulders of being ground down daily by an abusive fucker. Please don’t worry about immigration status, contact women’s aid and they will tell you what to do. We’re all behind you, you’re not alone, we’re here for you.

Satorye Sun 04-Mar-18 12:36:44

He keeps scaring me that they'll take our son, he just texted me this when I told him I locked the door and that I'll meet with him only for making his passport and NIN interview;

"Lets talk the fact. They will not give you the National Insurance unless you get all the require docs, so yes you can go to the aid to beg. In the mean time you will get treatment for mental illness and X will go to foster home! I will eventually go back but you will lose him too. If only barking was doing the job then street dog would be the most efficient in the world"

Satorye Sun 04-Mar-18 12:38:19

And then he went on;

"I think about him, thats why I keep my mouth shut. Or else you would be long gone- alone. So keep your shit inside you and focus on him"

TallulahWaitingInTheRain Sun 04-Mar-18 13:59:24

Speak to women's aid Satorye. They will give you better advice and more reliable information than your abuser will flowers

EmyRoo Sun 04-Mar-18 14:43:29

I have asked MN to edit your son’s name out of your second last post. This board is not as busy as Relationships, but it is best to be safe and not identifiable.

I have been through court regarding the childcare arrangements for my DC after leaving an abusive marriage. My xH argued in his documents and to all professionals who were involved that I was mentally ill. Of course this was the reason I did not want to be married, I was clearly crazy. The judge did not give this argument of his one single mention in court. The argument only worked because it made me doubt myself.

Abuse makes you doubt yourself, it is part of the control. Abusers always threaten to take the children too, they know that is a weak point they can use to get you. No court is going to separate your child from you. Dissociation is a normal response to abuse and trauma. Call one of the services listed on this thread and get real life advice. All these agencies will have seen situations like yours before and will help💐

Satorye Tue 06-Mar-18 18:58:16

Thanks everyone. I called my local Women's Aid and said I'll come in person. I haven't told anything to partner, he probably thinks I forgot about all this. I'll go with my son.
I'm still not sure what to tell them, I'm tired of lying but I can't expect them to respect me once I tell them I'm here pretty much illegally, I'm not sure what my options will be in that case...anyway I'm most likely going back to my home country with my son..

TallulahWaitingInTheRain Tue 06-Mar-18 21:47:53

Good for you Satorye. Best of luck for the meeting flowers

Strigiformes Tue 06-Mar-18 21:59:27

Hope everything goes ok in the meeting Satorye flowers The most important thing is that you and your son are safe, your ex's immigration issues are up to him to sort out. You don't owe him any help with it.

Satorye Mon 12-Mar-18 00:05:37

I still haven't went and I'm dwelling whether I should go tomorrow.

I honestly feel crazy, leaving drama aside.
I don't know what to do, I'm afraid I'll regret talking to someone and starting something just like when I called police on him for putting clothes on fire in the bathroom...he had done it out of jealousy, claiming that he wasn't trying to harm anyone but himself-I'm still shocked with that selfishness; our son and me were in the apartment. What if my son had all that smoke he could've make in just few more minutes? It would be a different story if my son wasn't involved but like this I don't know how to forgive or forget, tho it was a year ago..

Every other day it seems to me like things have settled down and that I can manage it. But I'm not sure, honestly.
Today out of the blue he sent me a message with picture of my period calendar(I marked I masturbated in January-I know it's a weird thing to do but I have a personal goal of not masturbating because of the sexual abuse, I find I feel better if I don't-but it looks like the same mark for intercourse if you don't click)and said"Just happens to be on the day you went to chiropractor!"

I mean wtf? I literally don't go out of the house other than with my son 2-3 times a week and when I need to go to GP etc(then I come straight home because he always acts pissed off no matter how early or late I come-I thought it's because he's in rush for work but he never even says when exactly he's going and hangs around home sometimes when I'm back for some time...)

..so to assume I had time to have sex with someone(or for gods sake just meet another human)is beyond me, not to mention we aren't sleeping together since mid-January neither I consider him my partner so I don't know why is his attention there...

I don't know what to do. It takes money for everything, I think I read on my local Women's aid page that you pay for the accommodation and the spaces are limited, most other women are sent to homeless shelters(latter part was from reviews tho).

I feel if I go home I'll have to listen how I should go back to him and will be constantly put down for the things I want to do in life. I don't have energy for that, I honestly ran away from my family to my"partner"in the first place and now I don't know which is worse, especially considering my son now.

I'm really damn tired of all this. Almost 3 years now I'm wilting in this apartment and don't know what to do. It seems easier for everyone to say that it's my own fault for where I am now and seems like I'm supposed to stay where I am as well, not to create problems in other people's lives.

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