Examples of The 50:50 Fallacy please...(30 Posts)
As in "Oh, we split the jobs equally- I cook and clean-he puts up shelves and mows the lawn. We play to our strngths"
A good one on another thread today- the woman changes all the nappies-the man deals with sick.
I'm sure I've seen mention of that onerous (yearly) task of men sorting car insurance mentioned recently. Oh, and checking the oil in the car.
Yes, checking oil/tyres on car compared to doing the washing.
Surely, the ultimate - going out to a 40hour a week job plus commute, vs. 24/7 on-call care of children and house.
''I do all the housework, he mows the lawn and washes the car''.
My husband plans our holidays.
I look after the nursery administration, chosing schools etc.
Taking the bins out always makes me roll my eyes.
Takes me about 2 minutes per week.
DH takes the bins out, does all the cooking, does most of the cleaning (I do the washing and hoovering) and I breastfeed. Think I found a good egg.
@popchyk x post. Totally agree, but i hate taking the bins out!
Oh yeah "he looks after the cars".
Yep, he books them into the mechanic and then picks them afterwards. I know how easy this one is because I "do" both of ours. Usually involves going for a coffee and cake while I'm waiting. I went to the cinema once.
Dear God, the unrelenting slog of it.
I think my DH is a fully paid up subscriber to the 50:50 fallacy. In fact, he probably imagines that he does more.
I do all the cooking, shopping and meal planning. DH used to be responsible for clearing up after dinner but he’s delegated that to DS1, who sorts out the dishwashers and wipes down all the surfaces. DH will now leave a plate on the side if the dishwasher is full of clean dishes because it is DS’s ‘job’, despite the fact that it’s lunchtime and DS1 isn’t even in the house.
He does the laundry. Sometimes. I regularly do it because it hasn’t been done and I or DS2 need clean clothes. DS1 sorts his own laundry.
DH used to hoover. But DS1 does that now, or I do it. Very occasionally DH will clean the bathrooms but usually I get that lovely job.
I take DS2 to school and pick him up. DH insists on getting a lift to the train station while I’m doing this, and I’m sure that in his mind this is sharing the school run rather than me having another chore.
DS1 does the grass cutting. DH cuts the hedge twice a year. But I have to help sweep up all the branches etc. DH think he does the DIY, but it’s much like the hedge with more me sorting out his messes. For example, he recently wanted to paint the legs for the kitchen table. He didn’t have the right paint and didn’t sand them adequately so he made a horrible mess. So I had to go and buy the right paint, sand all his paint off, and then paint them myself.
DH puts the wheelie bins out, except when he forgets (like today). Or when I do it. I empty the kitchen bin more often than he does (but in his mind he does it all the time).
I do all the insurances etc, and then he throws a fit that I can’t immediately produce a bit of paperwork from my pocket when he wants to see it and starts going on about how he has to do everything etc etc.
He has an incredible capacity for utterly ignoring everything I do, while getting annoyed if he’s doing something and I’m not. So he’ll find things to passive aggressively task me with (why is that pile of stuff there?) if I’m sitting around while he’s putting laundry away. But manages not to notice that he sat around playing videogames/watching YouTube while I wrote a shopping list, went to the supermarket, put all the food away and cooked a meal.
He also has a magic trick where he gets all the nice, fun times with DS2 while I get to supervise homework, piano practice, listen to him read and so on. He complains if those things take too long and cut into his pretending to be superdad time. Sometimes he’s do the same ‘I have to sleep everything martyr act’ over missed homework and say he’ll do it (properly). But that never lasts.
My husband is pretty good on the physical domestic labour front. He does all the ironing, all the hoovering, all the lawnmowing, most of the shopping, half the cooking, etc etc.
What he doesn't do, is any of the admin/organising. I budget. I decide what can be spent or saved. I run the bank accounts and the credit card accounts. I do the price comparisons. I organise the direct debits. I keep in my head who has to be where and when.
He thinks writing the birthdays on the kitchen calendar once a year is a good contribution in that area!
I have to book the car into the garage and take it there too. When he’s said he’ll do it, he’s suddenly become too busy at work at the last minute.
Same with staying in for workmen. He imagines he does his fair share but objectively does not. And his work is So Important and can’t be left (we have the same job with differently employers).
Whenever I hear the bins thing I imagine the dump scene at the end of Toy Story 3. Like, garbageageddon. Mountains of it. Needing constant, back breaking labour.
Then I remember that Brian probably lives in a semi in Knutsford and has a swing bin to contend with and a wheely bin run every second Tuesday.
Yes Morris. But in Brian’s mind that swing bin and fortnightly wheelie bin run is probably the equivalent of all the cooking, shopping and meal planning for the family for every meal.
DH is currently contributing to the decision on where teenage DD goes to sixth form.
I have taken her to the open evenings, taken time out of work to visit, phoned those we'd missed or sat with DD while she emailed them.
DH's contribution is to say, 'She should go to College X. She'll be fine.'
College X isn't the greatest at the subjects DD wants to take, as he'd know if he was showing any interest. And although she could cope with the whole application process on her own, she actually likes having someone to discuss it with.
The one where the man handles all the bills and the women handles the shopping etc? I'm thinking of pretty frequent occurrences where the woman is then widowed left high and dry with little idea of what money she has or how to start doing it herself.
And the awful ones where she's signed something without understanding it but because she's signed it, too bad as far as the bank/ect are concerned.
H contributed equally to choosing a secondary school for dd2 - ie he turned up at the open days I’d booked, having narrowed down the choice, had meetings with current school, phoned around, etc. I filled in all application forms.
H will this year be contributing to dd1’s EHCP annual review - by turning up. I have organised it all, filled in all forms (standard review form, transition from statement to EHCP form, planning for post 16 transition form), helped dd1 with her contribution and liaised with school re: meeting attendees.
H is fully committed to helping organise Christmas this year, rather than leaving it all
Up to me - meaning he bought some chocolate coins a few weeks ago (which he has already eaten, so I will replace) and asked last week whether I had any thoughts as to what to start the dc for Christmas (umm, yes, and have already bought most of it too). He does involve himself in he opening of advent calendars (made, bought and organised by me) and in reading ds’ the elf letter which arrives each day, because those are fun and why would I want to have any of the fun moments after doing all the work organising them?!
I've stoically refused to ever iron by buying clothes that don't need ironing for myself. So Dh has to do any ironing of his.
I'm in a rut in that the general day to day housework, cooking and shopping and all the other stuff I've not mentioned takes so much brain space that he does the car and bins etc. I'd like to swing it the other way but it's bloody hard to remember and to physically fit it in!!
I must say dh is being ace with regards to homework. He's not about to really remember / witness the countless requests from School but he is on top of that side of things.
God, Flavia. Your posts have given me a chill. You've just described MIL.
We lost FIL this year and on top of all the grief of that, poor MIL suddenly has to get used to paying bills. She always did the cooking and cleaning and FIL did all DIY, bins (yes!) and financial affairs.
She's always been a SAHM and has done a bloody brilliant job in looking after poorly FIL but she's never taken responsibility for any financial affairs. She thought that she and FIL might have about £5K in savings after he passed away. They actually have about £400K which BIL found out within a couple of minutes by looking through bank statements in the top drawer of the dresser. A drawer she had never gone in.
We are all trying to help but she is really struggling.
She's already signed up to a share scheme that apparently guarantees double your money back. FIL of course would have seen through such a scheme straight away, as poorly as he was. But MIL thinks that if someone sends you something in the post, stating that you need to fill in a form and sign it, then you have to do it otherwise you go to jail or something. She's always deferred to FIL and now he's gone, she's at the mercy of sharks who target people just like her.
Unfortunately, it means that what is a very difficult time for her is made even more difficult and stressful.
He earns all the money while I do all the domestic stuff. Which would be fine, if he actually brought home the dough in the right quantities but he spends too much and earns too little so he is on morning childcare duties indefinitely.
No man I ever knew got the kids ready for school. Not one. Nor did they do the play dates either. Not one.
DH has been totally gutting and reconfiguring two bedrooms into one master bedroom at weekends for the last few months (and has done an amazing job so far) and nearly done now. As such he has been let off of almost all general household chores (I've always done more of them than him anyway, without him noticing!!). DC1 due in 2 months, and I think he way be requiring a swift kick up the backside and a bit of a reality shock when she does and he has to start picking up his fair share of chores. I also have to ask/ remind him (and feel like I'm nagging) to do anything beyond the basic dinner dishes, vacuum of living room (around furniture obviously!!). Which is frustrating and tiring, but he does do it, at least.
Whenever he tries to lay it on thick and claim he is doing more than me, may stock reply is....and how many times have you cleaned the fridge since we have lived here?! I have now changed fridge for oven as he did clean the fridge once when I had HG and could barely even open the fridge.
Good cartoon about the mental workload of household chores from the Guardian...
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