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Eyes wide open.

(20 Posts)
BornAgainFem Thu 30-Nov-17 10:47:32

I joined MN around a year ago under a different name and in my ignorance posted on this board asking why all the (what I believed to be) hate towards men and trans. Oh how naive I was!
I was the epitome of a victim to the patriarchy, and I didn't even realise it - I've been sexually assaulted on several occasions, had sex with men I haven't wanted to because they were simply nice to me and I believed I owed them something. I was an escort on and off for several years, allowed myself to be silenced, walked over, used and abused by men for years. But the catch? I truly believed I was in control, that I had the upper hand, that I was the one calling the shots, that I was an "independent modern day female". Ha.
I just want to thank you lot on here for opening my eyes. I know see how bleak life was for me, for many (many) years. How I was constantly seeking the approval of men - to the point that I'd ruined several relationships due to cheating and allowing myself to be manipulated by other men. I was stupid. I'd always make sure my make up was on, hair done, clothes looking good. God forbid a man should see me as anything other than desirable!

I now have a daughter. And God help me, I will make it my mission that she never feels that her worth is based on her sexual appeal or her ability to boost a man's ego.

This is all thanks to you wonderful lot. God how a year and some knowledge can change someone! The thought of how I used to conduct myself makes me feel physically sick. I did a huge disservice to myself, and an equal disservice to women as a whole.

I want to remind you all what a great job your doing. I was once that irritating little know-it-all on these threads thinking I had a clue! Please don't stop spreading awareness. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for MN and you lot. ♥

ALittleBitOfButter Thu 30-Nov-17 10:55:01

flowers

GuardianLions Thu 30-Nov-17 10:57:00

flowers
That brought a tear to my eye OP.
So sorry to hear what you have been through and you aren't to blame for any of it. You have been conditioned - like all of us - to feel normal performing the obligations and practices according to our 'lesser' female social rank.
I am so glad you will be there to defend and arm your daughter in resisting the messages.
Lots of love and best wishes to you star

AdalindSchade Thu 30-Nov-17 10:58:29

flowers once they are open you can't unsee it all

Datun Thu 30-Nov-17 11:01:18

*BornAgainFem

What a heartfelt post!

If it’s any consolation, I tend to believe that unless you are actually raised by feminists, most women go through this journey.

Some come across it in their teens, others when they have been through the patriarchical mill.

For some, such as me, there were a whole load of dots all reaching for each other, that eventually connected. And when the goggles are off, they are off for ever.

Your daughter is lucky to have you.

LangCleg Thu 30-Nov-17 11:05:38

flowers

Thermostatpolice Thu 30-Nov-17 11:23:11

flowers None of what you describe was your fault.

Your DD now has a huge headstart in life. You've noted tons of traps and are positioned to steer her around them. She's a lucky girl.

Best wishes to you!

IndominusRex Thu 30-Nov-17 12:08:18

Born - your little girl is very lucky to have a mum that knows what she's up against flowers

BornAgainFem Thu 30-Nov-17 17:09:36

Thank you all flowers

It is difficult having your eyes opened isn't it - I find myself often angered. Poor DH is probably a bit overwhelmed by my constant educating/lecturing!

Datun Thu 30-Nov-17 17:15:21

It is difficult having your eyes opened isn't it - I find myself often angered. Poor DH is probably a bit overwhelmed by my constant educating/lecturing!

Loads of threads about this very issue on the feminist boards.

Easy does it. We’ll get there in the end.

Ava6 Sat 02-Dec-17 04:47:35

Welcome, sister! glitterball

Like Andrea Dworkin said: the process of taking off the googles involves pain and ecstasy. It's freeing on one hand, and abysmally depressing on the other. It's like stepping out of the Matrix and seeing the ugly truth: you just can't go back in after that however tempting.

SparklyUnicornTractors Sat 02-Dec-17 09:09:20

flowers

I wouldn't have had a clue either if it wasn't for the patient women on MN and this forum in particular who go on explaining, over and over, sharing the information. As you say - eyes wide open.

AlternativeTentacle Sat 02-Dec-17 09:24:02

My tweeting today will be 'all gents toilets are already gender neutral as they have urinals and stalls. Problem solved. No further action on this topic required'.

As well as querying why 'if there are now so many sexes, why are one sex trying to identify as the other, thus reaffirming that there are still only two sexes. That kind of negates your point of there being all these different sexes'.

Unfortunately I had my eyes opened around 37 years ago when I wanted to do 'boys subjects' at school and the school did everything in their power to stop me, I went on to become a civil engineer and experienced harassment, sexism, utter futility coupled with a huge pay discrepancy [meaning I had to rely on having a partner to cover the rent] for the whole time I was in the business. I do feel empathy for people being born in the wrong body - but mine is saved for the people that I ended up working with which were those with disabilities and learning difficulties, or mental health problems who cannot just declare they are 'in the wrong body' and immediately become un-disabled. It gets my goat when I see people saying 'I have to support my friend who struggles with being born in the wrong body' - me too, I support them by helping them to deal with it, help them to learn new things and to help them get the support they need, not by pretending they can declare themselves able bodied and run a marathon. If only.

Datun Sat 02-Dec-17 20:25:57

My tweeting today will be 'all gents toilets are already gender neutral as they have urinals and stalls. Problem solved. No further action on this topic required'.

Aside from the usual needs of a toilet- things that happen in the ladies:

Changing sanitary wear
Disposing of sanitary wear
Moon cups
Blood on hands, in underwear, needing a sink
Miscarriages - many miscarriages happen on the toilet
Morning sickness - on the hour
Escape from predators
Adjusting under garments

Things that happen in men’s toilets

Occasional cottaging

Things that men do in women’s toilets:

Drill holes in the wall
Put iPhones under the doors, filming or photographing
Follow women they are predating on.

It’s really not rocket science. And it’s something everyone understands.

Ekphrasis Sat 02-Dec-17 20:31:49

flowers❤️

Nyx1 Sat 02-Dec-17 20:37:07

OP presume you tweeted this already as I'm 12 hours late to the thread...but you iniw what, the TRAs will agree that the gents are gender neutral in that way.

But they will demand access to the women's toilet because pink feelz, dontchano!!!

thecompletenonsequitur Mon 04-Dec-17 09:05:23

*Things that men do in women’s toilets:

Drill holes in the wall
Put iPhones under the doors, filming or photographing
Follow women they are predating on.*

here's a recent one

tackydragon Mon 04-Dec-17 09:20:42

Local pool has mixed changing rooms. Taking classes swimming has in the past involved an overly interested man who we ended up reporting (we have had to use cubicles as well as the specified School changing rooms) and so pool staff started shadowing him and a colleague suffered a peeping tom under the partition when swimming after work. Was very shaken, it went to court and he was convicted.

Mixed cubicles apparently need gaps beneath to stop people having sex in them...

So in my experience it does happen, and can be quite common.

MrGHardy Mon 04-Dec-17 10:11:03

Why don't you suggest DH to read MN? I was always a feminist ally though before MN I would have called myself a feminist and had no idea the full extent of the issue. MN is very educational.

Nyx1 Mon 04-Dec-17 10:58:44

tacky "Mixed cubicles apparently need gaps beneath to stop people having sex in them...!"

if people want to have sex in a cubicle, the gap isn't going to stop them!! Who comes up with these ideas?!

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