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Can I still be a feminist....confused

(31 Posts)
genehuntswife Sat 28-Oct-17 09:22:27

Trying to cut a long story short.
I was a SAHM for a long time, loved it and have a fab husband who has always treated me as an equal , finances totally shared etc. When eldest became a teen we moved to a big 4 bed house and I started work as a childminder ( still love it) to help pay for the extra costs.
Eldest has now left home, youngest about to go to uni next year...and I’ve started to get a lot of joint pain , my mum had quite bad arthritis and I think that’s the way I’m heading. So lots of talking with hubby and we’ve decide that next year we’ll sell the house, move to a nice two bedder and I’ll stop working and take on the bulk of the home making and he’ll keep bringing in the money.
I’m happy staying at home, trust him completely financially and it will help a lot not having young children to lift etc.
But..I’m only 47 , just got into feminism and I just have a feeling I’m letting the side down.
I’d like your thoughts please

ISaySteadyOn Sat 28-Oct-17 09:24:22

I don't think so. I wish I knew where this bizarre idea that you can't be a feminist if not every action is feminist came from.

SonicBoomBoom Sat 28-Oct-17 09:24:39

You don't unnecessarily put yourself through physical pain for feminism. That is absolutely, 100%, NOT what Feminism is about.

LeCroissant Sat 28-Oct-17 09:24:54

How would you working while in pain help 'the side'?

genehuntswife Sat 28-Oct-17 09:28:50

Thank you, I think it’s the “ relying on a man” thing. Even though as a couple we’ve always been a team. I suppose as feminist whose eyes have only been recently opened I’m over thinking things a bit.

salmonofwisdom Sat 28-Oct-17 09:32:10

Agree with SonicBoomBoom! Although there are plenty of ways that you can still support the feminist cause, if that's what you are worried about, e.g. read feminist literature, volunteer at a women's shelter, donate to charities that work with and for women, get involved in local politics. The important thing here is to do something that makes yourself and others around you happy and healthy.

gybegirl Sat 28-Oct-17 09:32:35

Would you begrudge him if the circumstances were opposite? If not, of course you can still be a feminist. Its about the freedom to make choices and equality of opportunity in my book.

genehuntswife Sat 28-Oct-17 09:36:33

That’s what I was thinking of doing salmon, I’m realky exited to have the time to study and volunteer. And gybegirl, what wise words, of course I’d do it for him, that’s settled a lot of things in my mind...thank you

NoLoveofMine Sat 28-Oct-17 09:39:16

Sorry to read of your arthritis. I hope the move to a new home will help. It's not your fault you're having to give up a job you love doing - your own health is the most important thing and you've made a joint decision with this in mind. None of this negates your feminism in any way. Hope you have a nice weekend!

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool Sat 28-Oct-17 12:16:50

It is difficult or uncomfortable relying on a man financially if your values are geared towards feminism but you are a partnership and feminism is also about recognising women's historic contribution to daily life quality through domestic work and child care. People can contribute to society in all sorts of ways, not just financial, in fact too much emphasis is put on earning a lot of money and too little on putting in time to making life worth living.
I wonder if there's something you could do, some kind of activism or practical support you could offer that would help you put feminism into practice? What makes you a feminist? Is there a particular aspect that interests you, such as male violence or FGM or reproductive rights? Or could you support women and girls in a different way, by becoming a mentor for a teenage girl, or a phone line volunteer for a rape crisis or domestic violence helpline?

IAmTheDragon Sat 28-Oct-17 12:24:34

The whole point of feminism (my beliefs in feminism anyway) is the empowerment of women to do whatever the fuck they want/need to do without judgment for the gender.

You can 100% be a feminist stay-at-homer. You can be a feminist if you choose that option, and you can definitely definitely be a feminist if you're forced to choose it because of pain.

OlennasWimple Sat 28-Oct-17 13:59:13

My vision for a feminist utopia includes valuing the contribution that people make by running a household / carrying out other domestic duties.

MrsJayy Sat 28-Oct-17 14:38:42

Of course women with disabilities wwho can't/don't can be feminist I don't earn my own money but I still contriibute to society and I don't feel like I amkept either. I think you should take a deep breath about your change of lifestyle and be kind to yourself,

MrsJayy Sat 28-Oct-17 14:39:44

I meant work sorry

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 28-Oct-17 14:56:55

Feminism values the unpaid work women do. So does your partner from the sounds of it.

Feminism (mine - I can't speak for others) isn't about turning all women into the ideal of what a man should be; independent, hard-working, strong, self-reliant, emotionally crippled. And turning the world into a place where we still only care about winning and losing, just making sure women win as much. It's about remaking the world as a place where everyone's contributions are valued. Anyone can be strong, caring, kind, active, passive as they see fit. Our systems become about finding a consensus and solutions, rather than the adversarial systems we have now. Where happiness, safety, non-violence are more important than power and money. Where all people; children, people with disabilities everyone, is valued and has what they need.

At the moment, the system doesn't really value unpaid work and people with disabilities. Your DH does. He's ahead of the curve.

Apileofballyhoo Sat 28-Oct-17 15:02:21

What everyone else said. Also try these.

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool Sat 28-Oct-17 15:03:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool Sat 28-Oct-17 15:08:49

*oops sorry I've posted that on the wrong thread

ISaySteadyOn Sat 28-Oct-17 15:10:18

MrsTerryPratchett, that's my feminism too. Thanks for articulating it so well.

minipie Sat 28-Oct-17 15:14:12

I get what you mean. I've recently quit a City career to be a SAHM. DH and I share all money and our contributions are equally valued... but I still feel sad that I've added to the statistics of couples where the woman stopped work and the man didn't (iyswim) and the statistics of City career women who stopped working post DC. The feminist in me would have liked to buck those trends and weigh in on the other side.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 28-Oct-17 15:25:35

Cheers @ISaySteadyOn

I’ll knock off a quick manifesto! grin

NameChangeFamousFolk Sat 28-Oct-17 15:31:03

The feminists I know didn't stop being feminists when they stopped working to raise their children.

You can do the family laundry, cook for them and support your working DH and STILL be a feminist, without question.

genehuntswife Sat 28-Oct-17 17:26:50

You're all awesome...

Tealdeal747 Sat 28-Oct-17 17:39:49

It's anti feminist who tell women feminists can't be sahm

Branleuse Sat 28-Oct-17 18:05:35

Being a SAHM has got nothing to do with being feminist or not, unless you feel pressurised into doing it against your will.

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