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Had a thought (self indulgent pondering post)

(10 Posts)
Slimthistime Sat 21-Oct-17 22:32:15

Over the years Ive had a few female friends who I've known casually or through hobbies and have lost contact.

One of them dumped all her friends when she married her partner.

A couple of them have said to me "you would not get on with my husband".

One in particular strikes me...I'd met him for about twenty minutes and had a good chat about Sherlock Holmes of all things.Then when I had a big birthday do, I said to her to bring him along if she wanted, and she said "no, he can be very charming but you really wouldn't like him and I don't think he'd like your friends."

My friendship group, then and now, has more "woman as higher earner" in the couples than the other way round, then there's quite a few committed single friends and a couple of gay friends.

The women who have made that comment to me are probably married to total arseholes aren't they? I've never felt the need to get to know friends partners so haven't really thought about it but I suddenly realised today, that might be it. Maybe I've seen too much on MN but is "you wouldn't get on" actually code for "he is a misogynistic arse"?

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 21-Oct-17 22:35:23

Or code for jealousy?

Slimthistime Sat 21-Oct-17 22:40:08

Jealousy in what way?

Datun Sun 22-Oct-17 00:47:30

Do you talk about feminism? I often find that some men really get the willies around openly feminist women.

SylviaPoe Sun 22-Oct-17 02:06:04

'My friendship group, then and now, has more "woman as higher earner" in the couples than the other way round, then there's quite a few committed single friends and a couple of gay friends.'

So do you have any long term friendships with women who are part of a couple where you are only friends with the woman?

It might be that their parter is a nightmare. It might also be that the woman wants her own friendship group, and not be treated as one half of a couple. It might be both.

Many couples have mutual friends and then their own separate friendship circles as well.

laurajayne3 Sun 22-Oct-17 02:16:03

Are you single? If so it maybe jealously? Once I split with my long term ex a couple of my friends changed and saw me as some kind of threat. Which really isn't fair. Single females still have morals and girl code, not desperate for your friends men!

3littlebadgers Sun 22-Oct-17 02:26:43

I am like the women you describe! I adore my husband to bits and he is actually as lovely and charming as always when he does spend time with my friends, but I'd rather have that time on my own, and would feel anxious about having to invite him to anything.

For me I put it down to religious/cultural differences, he doesn't drink eat meat et . Actually I if I am honest it is nice to have a bit of time just being me, rather than a teacher, wife and mother and I'd be a bit miffed missing out on that blush

laurajayne3 Sun 22-Oct-17 02:33:56

3littlebadgers - if it's down to just wanted to have ur own time with ur friends and not ur partner. Wouldn't that be really easy to say to ur friend? "No I won't ask him to come as I want a bit of girl time" I wouldn't think twice of saying that if that was the reason

3littlebadgers Sun 22-Oct-17 07:17:28

I guess it would, but then they might feel like their dh's are not welcome which of course they are.

Slimthistime Sun 22-Oct-17 12:43:12

to be clear, I rarely invited spouses to anything - usually once a year if that. Now I'm not big on parties but I used to have 2 gatherings a year at my wee flat.

So if it was about "alone" time it wouldn't be that.

Also can't see that it would be "worried about single woman after their man" because I've never wanted to get married or anything like that.

I didn't really think about it at the time, it's just now that it struck me.

Sylvia "So do you have any long term friendships with women who are part of a couple where you are only friends with the woman?"

that is my norm, I don't befriend couples. It's just when I had the odd do - e.g. big birthday, flatwarming - there were times when I thought the opposite, that it might cause offence not to invite partners IYSWIM.

one poster asked if I talked about feminism a lot - no, but I do wonder if some of these husbands just wouldn't find me or my friends relatable.

I must be honest, one reason it came into my mind this week is I have heard, through mutual contacts, about the husband of one of these friends, their daughter has just gone to university and he was heard saying that the most important thing was for her to find a good husband.

also frankly speaking, sorry to say, I think there are quite a few women who come across just as regular people but at home are a doormat (again probably using too much MN) so perhaps didn't want me to see the dynamic of their home life.

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