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What do you think of self proclaimed 'nice guys'?

(74 Posts)
TitaniasCloset Fri 22-Sep-17 00:25:28

I have been messaging a self proclaimed nice guy recently because I'm trying to step outside of the box with relationships and try something different and go for a 'normal' bloke, outside of my religious group, and just different really, if you get me?

A few times recently I have noticed online he gets into arguments with feminists where he is trying his best to tell them what a nice guy he is even if it has nothing to do with the discussion. He keeps saying women don't go for the nice guys etc I put this down to hey, just not very bright, but what is your opinion on this?

He also briefly told me his ex was abusive to him and is a very angry person, and I have to say he does seem like a great dad.

I'm just not sure how to see all of this really. I wanted other women's perspectives. He is incredibly soppy and sentimental which I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with and also far more into me than I am him. But that's why I'm staying in touch, I want something different. Also I have been on my own for a really long time and have lost confidence in myself especially my sexuality, if that helps to know.

This sounds like an aibu or relationship thread, but it's the nice guy dynamic I want opinions on specifically and whatever else you want to chuck in there!

DeadDoorpost Fri 22-Sep-17 00:29:04

I genuinely don't like anyone who says they're a nice guy... let me judge that for myself. If you're nice you don't have to tell people that you are.
And I wouldn't be able to stand the soppy messages either tbh. If you feel uncomfortable about it now, you're going to feel worse later down the line IME.

womanbehavingbadly Fri 22-Sep-17 00:31:24

In my experience, there’s a well known saying -
“He who doth protest too much... “

TitaniasCloset Fri 22-Sep-17 00:32:36

Yes this is exactly what I was thinking. But the attention is nice.

Foniks Fri 22-Sep-17 00:35:12

They're never nice.

He keeps saying women don't go for the nice guys etc classic! Haha.

DeadDoorpost Fri 22-Sep-17 00:38:36

Attention is nice until they turn on you. Always make sure you can get rid of them easily if this happens. You don't want to be hounded.
I think if you do have some limits in the back of your mind (number of messages you receive per hour or whatever. Doesn't have to be about messages, could be phrases you might not want to hear) and he goes over that then you can at least have some peace of mind knowing you're out if tour comfort zone and hopefully make the best decision for you without feeling guilty.

LilyMcClellan Fri 22-Sep-17 00:39:45

Red flags everywhere!

1. Anyone who insists on telling other people how nice they are is not actually all that nice.
2. Anyone who has to make a discussion all about them is not actually all that nice.
3. Saying that women don't go for nice guys is bullshit. Women go for nice guys all the time. If women are avoiding him, it's not because they are looking for jerks instead of nice guys. It's because there's some aspect to his personality that they find off-putting. Maybe neediness (sounds likely based on his behaviour), maybe it's passive-aggressiveness, maybe it's being controlling, maybe he's crap in bed.
4. Maybe his ex was abusive and angry, but maybe she was fed up with dealing with a man-child and wasn't afraid to tell him that he wasn't pulling his weight. It's easy to seem like a great dad from a distance.

I'd run in the other direction, but if you do stay in touch, tread very slowly and carefully.

OrangeJulius Fri 22-Sep-17 00:44:40

I had a childhood friend on Facebook who was a self proclaimed nice guy. He would post the most misogynistic things when things were nt going his way with his current love interest. I had to unfriend him, and I rarely unfriend people.

TitaniasCloset Fri 22-Sep-17 00:46:33

Gosh.

Keep the advice coming please ladies.

But I am starting to think I'm going to be alone for forever and will never have a sex life again. I don't get out much!

Somerville Fri 22-Sep-17 00:50:47

When he says that women don't go for nice guys, what he means is that he's not getting enough attention from women for his liking. Which tells you:
1. He's unlikely to be faithful, given an opportunity.
2. He's been dumped a lot by discerning women.

Just get rid. Attention from a creep like this will leave you feeling worse, in the long run.

TitaniasCloset Fri 22-Sep-17 00:55:29

I was just thinking maybe he is lonely and a bit awkward. But he got so into me so fast and the sexiest thing I have done is send him a song I like. But I just don't want to be horrible. Especially if he is for real. Though I'm seeing now that he just isn't what I go for sexually really. Keeps talking about wanting snuggles with the right girl. I'm just not that kind of girl really. I like discussion into the early hours, snuggling is not my thing.

Starting to worry now.

Does anyone have any anecdotal about nice guys?

ParsnipLeekAndLemonSoup Fri 22-Sep-17 00:55:39

He also briefly told me his ex was abusive to him and is a very angry person, and I have to say he does seem like a great dad.

Get out now.

TitaniasCloset Fri 22-Sep-17 00:58:48

Thank you. I think I need to draw back from this. I'm not quite sure how though.

Oh gosh is that a sign he has already manipulated me? That I'm scared to say sorry this isn't going to work? That I'm so concerned about hurting his feelings?

Does anyone have a different view?

FrustratedTeddyLamp Fri 22-Sep-17 00:59:47

Look up r/nice guys on Reddit, not saying everyone who says they are, aren't but I think there is a certain mentality among some that have somehow manifested in exclaiming, I'm a nice guy...it's a little weird

FrustratedTeddyLamp Fri 22-Sep-17 01:00:50

r/niceguys *

I still think it's possible he was in an abusive relationship though

TitaniasCloset Fri 22-Sep-17 01:02:24

Thank you.

ChopinLisztFinder Fri 22-Sep-17 01:05:45

My husband is a nice guy. Not once has he ever told me that he's a nice guy. A genuinely nice person would never need to label themselves as such.

I see a man who tells you he's a nice guy as someone who is deluded to his own truth.

Think about your friends, particularly the ones who are very nice. Have they ever told you that they were nice? They don't have to. They just are.

Nice guys are great. Don't look for people who tells you they're nice. Search for the people you've overlooked in the past. The reliable ones you've known for years who you've probably described as "I just don't see them in that way". Take a good look at them. One of them may surprise you. And if they don't, use these people as good character models for what a nice guy really is.

Good luck with the dating.

Somerville Fri 22-Sep-17 01:06:28

I've married two nice guys so I have plenty of anecdotes, but I don't think that's what would really help here?

And both times the relationship took off really fast, and both were, to varying degrees, more sentimental and cuddly than me. So those things in themselves aren't problematic, to my mind. But part of the reason I felt relaxed about it moving so fast, was because there was no slagging off of exes, no judgements on womankind for our taste in men, and no derailing conversations on feminism...

Fluffybrain Fri 22-Sep-17 01:15:44

My ex was a self proclaimed nice guy. He turned out to be the nastiest guy I ever met. He also argued with feminists and claimed to have been abused by everyone he knew.

DJBaggySmalls Fri 22-Sep-17 01:30:38

Real nice guys dont have to tell you they are because they assume it is the default; and you can see they are. They are nice all round. They do nice things for other people. Nice guys like people.
'Women dont go for nice guys' has an opposite;
'Women choose bad guys over nice guys'. Men who say this dont think much of women. They dont get that if women date bad boys it could be because they have a skewed idea of what a relationship looks like. Or maybe they are women just want exciting sex.

Its also a dating technique. You are supposed to feel like you have to prove you are different. Its like men who say 'a woman like you would never go for a man like me'.

Sashkin Fri 22-Sep-17 01:51:05

Nice guys are creepy.

cavemancircus.com/2011/10/24/nice-guy-syndrome-what-it-is-and-why-you-should-kill-it-with-fire/

SylviaPoe Fri 22-Sep-17 01:57:32

Does he know you are from a religious background, OP?

LilyMcClellan Fri 22-Sep-17 02:09:17

That I'm scared to say sorry this isn't going to work? That I'm so concerned about hurting his feelings?

Yes, that's a red flag. For self-proclaimed Nice Guys, their feelings are the only ones that matter.

Consider how a Nice Guy usually acts when a woman he is interested in declines his advances. He becomes angry that his feelings aren't returned. That's because his feelings are the important ones. Not the woman's feelings.

Mrsjohnmurphy Fri 22-Sep-17 02:14:10

There's a guy on my FB who just posted a meme about women always going for the bad guys rather than the nice guys, however I know he is a cheat who regularly hooks up with men, he is far far far from a nice guy (shudder)

CaretakerToNuns Fri 22-Sep-17 02:22:33

Self-proclaimed "nice guy" = serial abuser. Every single time.

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