Is your DP a feminist?

[TurquoiseChevrotain]

I worry that my only choices in life are:

• be with someone who expects you to be better at household duties, so leaves you to it (that's just 1 example)...
• be alone forever.

Tell me there's hope

Is your DP a feminist?

[AssassinatedBeauty]

Yes, as are my brother and dad, or feminist allies as I think of it. So there's hope that there are other men out there too. The key for me is how do they interact with their own mum, to give you a clue how they'll be with you.

[TurquoiseChevrotain]

Thanks that gives me hope!

[FlorenceLyons]

Yep. Does most of the cooking, most of the school runs, his fair share of housework, admin, etc. He's not perfect (and does have a tendency to mansplain 🙄) but he definitely pulls his weight.

[TheCountessofFitzdotterel]

Yes. He talks the talk (or rather, mostly listens) and walks the walk.
They do exist. Just don't put up with any shit if you're dating.

[elQuintoConyo]

DH does lots of things house-related and without prompting. He was wonderful to his mum.

He's a keeper!

[DramaAlpaca]

Yes. I couldn't be married to him if he wasn't.

[Sodaface]

Yep, he is 100%

[museumum]

There are many elements of gender politics my dh has never even considered.
However, he does truly believe in equality in the domestic sphere. He does all the shopping / cooking and food planning. We share things like present buying. I do home decor and organisation. We have a cleaner but share laundry.
I do a bit more childcare by choice but he has quality time with dcs and takes responsibility for certain tasks.

[Timefortea99]

My DP does more around the house than me! It is not as if his mum brought him up that way either - he was her little prince.

[OhTheRoses]

Well we have had a traditional relationship. But I earnt more when we met (28 yrs ago). I did the DC and home largely and he brought home the very best bacon. BUT he supported me going back to work, doing a masters and prof quals. I am now director level and he is so proud and has always treated me as an equal even when I was elbow deep in nappies.

So no he doesn't do babies (or didn't) or housework or grunt stuff but he trusted me completely to deal with all that and respects me, regards me as his best friend and has always wanted me at big work stuff.

So, he wouldn't talk about being a feminist and might raise an eyebrow but he has walked the walk and supported me. And paid the cleaner and the au pair Tec because he didn't think that was my purpose.

It's very very complex imo.

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

No but he's learning ;-)

Has always done more housework than me, but also expects me to pull my weight in all areas. Doesn't underestimate me or my abilities. Does want me to do all the household paperwork, but he's almost certainly undiagnosed dyslexic and finds those things hard to deal with.

Is in the military and doesn't think women should be on the front line, but finds it hard to articulate why. Especially when I argue lots of different theories with him. He's beginning to come around..!

[dudsville]

Yes, but I wouldn't define it by his household chores, which is shared, but by his attitude towards women and all people.

[OlennasWimple]

he certainly wouldn't describe himself as such, and I definitely pick up more of the wifework than him, but in most of the key stuff he is (he believes that abortion is always a woman's choice, for example, and has repeatedly promoted talented women rapidly through the ranks at work)

[MiddleClassProblem]

Yes and a major part of that is how he feels about gender neutral toys and products for children. We both want DD to be DD. And we both find it shocking to hear some friends who don't get at all.

[Brokenbiscuit]

Yes. He grew up in an incredibly patriarchal society but has bent over backwards to help his sisters and nieces and to challenge a whole host of patriarchal practices back at home. He definitely believes in equality and will do his fair share of cooking/cleaning/childcare, though old habits die hard and I sometimes have to remind him that I shouldn't be the default carer/cook etc. I still do a lot of the thinking for us both as well.

He gets very annoyed about the fact that women's sport doesn't get equal airtime on TV - especially women's cricket!

And he encourages our dd to believe that she is strong and capable, and that she can do whatever she aspires to in life.

[treaclesoda]

I think if you asked him 'Are you a feminist?' he'd probably be like this . But in reality I'd say he is. He treats me as his equal, treats other women as his equal, he doesn't talk down to women or try to intimidate them. He does as much housework as I do, he took his turn doing nappies and getting up in the night. And loads more. He wouldn't consider himself a feminist because he just considers this all to be 'normal' behaviour.

[ButFirstTea]

Of course he is. I'd literally never consider being with someone who wasn't. I don't think I even have any friends of any gender who would say they weren't feminists!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Absolutely.

So is my dad. When we were younger my sister asked him to teach her how to roast a chicken so she could be a good wife in the future. God knows what she'd been watching or reading to come out with that monstrosity but he said while he was happy to teach her to cook he was shocked that he'd gone so wrong as a dad that she'd think that!

My mum's never roasted a chicken in her life and it was my dad who taught her to cook.

He was appalled when I changed my name when I got married (even though my mum had done the same...) but he respected my choice. And I actually did it by deed poll so kept my original name as well.

DH is absolutely a feminist. He's raising two feminist children and I remember the time primary aged DSS came home saying something about how "girls can't play football" DH showed him the girls can video and had a little chat about how his comment was wrong, why, and that anyone who shares opinions like that with him is a muppet.

I couldn't love or respect a man who didn't truly believe in equality and am lucky to know many wonderful men who are feminists. There are good guys out there.

My brother on the other hand...

[Sodaface]

Why are so many people taking about chore here!!! FFS feminism is about equality for all. Polar opposites of bloody stereotypes.

[orecchietti]

Yup, he is - a v vocal feminist. Couldn't imagine a relationship as good as ours if he wasn't.

And the reason people are talking about chores is surely because one of the ways that feminist men can try to disrupt the patriarchal conditioning that tells them that the domestic sphere is primarily the responsibility of women... That certainly makes sense to me!

[SisterMoonshine]

DH is surprised to learn he's actually a radical feminist

[Onthehighseas]

Yes he is, and he has campaigned and lobbied to bring about change.

[wobblywonderwoman]

I cannot say he is.. His upbringing was very very sexist. Dh brother has yet to turn on a washing machine at 40. I dh brought washing home even though he lived 2 hours away when he came home at weekends to his parents. His mother pulled me into the kitchen not long after we got together to show me how to bake his favourite cake and when mil went into hospital - I was sent the washing despite two grown men at home.

That was the last straw and dh now knows it is not acceptable behaviour. He has improved and I would never say he is a feminist but he is kind and will take on board anything I ask. It hugely his mother to blame. She is a walking doormat.

[BarchesterFlowers]

Yes, very much. He is setting up a STEM bursary at our local secondary school (his own company) to encourage girls into STEM, sadly only for three pupils a year but it is a start.

[mogulfield]

My DH is and calls himself so, one of the things I really love about him.
To the poster roses who said your DH 'didn't do babies' that's terrible, and doesn't sound very 'feminist'. He had no engagement with his own children as babies?