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My ex is trans

(60 Posts)
Chamomiletea Tue 11-Apr-17 08:17:05

Just as the tile says. She (formerly he) is the kindest most thoughtful person I had ever met and looking back was clearly very uncomfortable with any touching of his/her penis.

The thought of her being threatening to anyone is beyond me.

Is the trans debate I am just learning about on here only in the internet world/UK? She is the only trans I know and I just feel genuinely saddened that she was so depressed for so long.

user1487175389 Tue 11-Apr-17 08:24:30

That's one individual. Sadly trans activists are a different kettle of fish: harassing lesbians into unwanted sexual contact, inventing unwanted hurtful names for women & their body parts such as 'cis' 'terf' and 'front hole', turning Feminism into a platform for their very different set of problems, and complaining about discrimination when actual women try to have conversations about childbirth and menstruation, invading women's safe spaces rather than demanding their own and opening the door for any bloke with a penchant for dresses to follow suit. Perhaps your well meaning ex could have a word with these people?

GoldStars3 Tue 11-Apr-17 08:24:53

The debate is about the meaning of words and concepts like "woman," "girl," and "female", and the implications of redefining and repurposing these words to the extent that they are rendered meaningless in law, statistics, reporting, sports, health care, and safe spaces like refuges and locker rooms.

The debate is not about whether your ex is a nice guy. It's about the hard-won rights of women and how not to lose them all.

Hamsolo Tue 11-Apr-17 08:30:49

I'd defend your Wix's right to live as she wants, and call her her preferred pronouns too.

As a pp says, the conflict comes from an attempt to redefine woman legally and linguistically, to the detriment of women.

I think this is probably the most common position among people who are transgender critical, but it's often (deliberately?) misunderstood.

GoldStars3 Tue 11-Apr-17 08:31:03

Sorry, nice *person. Wasn't trying to be hurtful.

BigDeskBob Tue 11-Apr-17 08:37:10

Your ex may be the kindest, most gentle person alive, but they are still a misogynists. They are trying to take she,girl, women and female away from us. I don't want women hating men defining what it is to be female.

Datun Tue 11-Apr-17 08:39:28


If your ex was uncomfortable about their penis, she has gender dysphoria. What, in old money, we called a transsexual.

Unfortunately, the term transgender now includes a vast array of other people, including confused teenagers, gender nonconforming people, and cross dressing fetishists.

It's the latter that are more of a threat to women. They retain their genitalia and remain attracted to women.

They are also the ones shouting the loudest and want the laws changed so that they are legally women and have full access to everything previously reserved for women, including bathrooms, locker rooms, rape refugees, shelters, scholarships, sports events.

The change in the law would mean that anyone who identifies as a woman could claim the above. It is happening already. Danielle Muscato for instance is taking a space in a women's refuge and on International Women's Day sent a tweet ending in suck my dick.

This is what women have almighty problem with.

AllOutPeak Tue 11-Apr-17 08:46:05

I'm new to MN and new to this trans issue, but I can't believe this Danielle person, am genuinely shocked and evidently a bit naive shock

msrisotto Tue 11-Apr-17 08:50:49

Have you read any of the billion trans threads?

They're about men in women's refuges, men barging women out and profiting in their place in professional sports, reinforcing shit gender stereotypes about women wearing feminine clothes, being sex objects etc etc etc

msrisotto Tue 11-Apr-17 08:51:56

Drugging children with no concern for long term effects

Chamomiletea Tue 11-Apr-17 08:58:16

This is all really fascinating - living in my little bubble on the other side of the world I only see trans/fem working together.

I can't see how my ex is a misogynist she has only ever completely supported me as a woman and has never tried to take anything away.

I wonder if the fact that while living as a male she was very very slight petitie and feminine looking was constantly teased for it has played into her being less threatening. She is 5"4 and around a size 4.

I do struggle understand why if she is still attracted to women she feels the need to become one - I mean fuck it's hard being s girl why would you throw away male privilege!

Chamomiletea Tue 11-Apr-17 08:58:51

I'm sorry no I haven't read any of threads I started too but found it really overwhelming

Datun Tue 11-Apr-17 09:03:40


Transactivists have done a sterling job of promoting transgenderism as something similar to the rights of LGB people. It's completely different, it's not a sexual orientation, it's an identity.

They vehemently shut down any debate and any dissent. The ideology does not stand up to scrutiny and they know it.

Take a wander around the feminist boards here and look at some of the trans threads. Mumsnet is one of the few places online that allows free speech around this issue, so I'm not at all surprised that you have remained unaware.

But be warned, it will set your blood pressure soaring.

The erasure of women's rights is happening already. On a grand scale. Starting with the definition of the word woman. Legally there is no definition that describes them any longer. As it now includes men.

Women cannot gather officially in a public space without the presence of a man, if that man says so.

Things you think are ridiculous and can't possibly be true, are true (but still bloody ridiculous).

(You may require alcohol).

Datun Tue 11-Apr-17 09:18:00


Although your ex probably isn't aware of the implications, what she is doing is detrimental to women. She is saying that how she presents herself is how females present themselves. She can't just be a man who likes to wear feminine clothing. She is saying that wearing feminine clothing is making her a woman. Thereby reinforcing female stereotypes.

I understand how presenting as female could alleviate her symptoms. But a man with gender dysphoria is not the definition of a woman.

Transsexuals have been integrated in our society for years, sharing our bathrooms without a problem. It's the politicising of this issue and the insistence that they are women that is causing the difficulty.

There is no such thing as someone born with male genitalia with male DNA printed into every cell of their body, who happens to have the brain of a woman in their head.

The swapping of the term gender dysphoria for 'born in the wrong body' has turned a neurological blip into some kind of sci-fi nonsense.

No one here thinks gender dysphoria isn't real and highly distressing, they do think it does not make someone a woman.

Transactivists are now very fond of saying they are actually biologically women. (You can see how they don't want a public debate about this, it would collapse like a house of cards).

And of course, if a man says he is an actual woman, lesbians should have no trouble sleeping with him, despite the presence of his 'lady penis'. Which IS a female organ as it is attached to a woman.

If you say, um no. You are called a transphobic bigot and told to check your privilege. If that's not misogyny, I don't know what is.

And this isn't fringe, this isn't some dark corners of the Internet, this is bloody everywhere. I could produce hundreds of links for you, but they are already in the threads on mumsnet.

I can understand how you find it overwhelming. As it doesn't tally with your direct experience. If the issue hadn't been politicised and allowed a whole bunch of undesirable men to make demands, it wouldn't be a problem.

thethoughtfox Tue 11-Apr-17 10:00:58

Excellent post, Datun.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 11-Apr-17 11:38:11

Whereabouts are you, Chamomiletea, if not UK? Hove you and your ex any support?

JaxingJump Tue 11-Apr-17 11:47:56

OP, there are plenty of women who are perfectly happy with your ex being whoever she feels she is. You will find extreme views in every direction on the internet.

I personally don't think she is causing any problem and is far more likely to suffer personal discrimination and attack for who she is than the female population are going to suffer discrimination as a result of who she is.

thedancingbear Tue 11-Apr-17 12:18:24

I've nothing to add here, Chamomiletea, except that I hope your ex is happy and at peace with herself.

user1487175389 Tue 11-Apr-17 12:24:44

Jaxing, it's not about one individual trans woman causing discrimination to women as a class, it's about the law no longer recognising women as adult human females.

Scrumplestiltskin Tue 11-Apr-17 13:52:53

Hmm. Let's look at this a different way. What if someone else said this:

"^My Ex is Male^
Just as the tile says. He is the kindest most thoughtful person I had ever met, and looking back had a low sex drive and was very private.
The thought of him being threatening to anyone is beyond me."

How nice one single person is (although I must say I do question how 'nice' it is for someone to enter into a relationship with someone without telling them something so important,) doesn't mean that the demographic as a class is without issue.
I know many lovely men, but I still know that men as a class are oppressive to women, and are a threat, and I wouldn't dream of saying "the men I know are lovely, therefore I don't understand everyone else's concerns."
I totally sympathise with feeling overwhelmed though - it's a very heated topic, and there are so many posts and comments on the subject. This might be a good starting point for further reading?

PoochSmooch Tue 11-Apr-17 14:07:01

Chamomile, in another thread you posted on yesterday, you refer to your husband as "he".

Did he trans over night?


PoochSmooch Tue 11-Apr-17 14:13:21

Sorry, my mistake, you say your ex and not your husband. I'll report my own post and go and find my glasses.

thedancingbear Tue 11-Apr-17 14:59:57

There is scarcely an iota of compassion or sympathy on this thread. Some people are even trawling the OP's posting history to undermine what she's saying.

Owllady Tue 11-Apr-17 15:05:31

One of my old friends has decided to live as the opposite sex. He's had such a traumatic life, really awful, life changing traumas, so in a way I completely understand why he would want to forget his old life and become someone new. My heart used to break every time I saw him tbh so I hope he finds some peace under his new identity. He's not out to hurt anyone.

Otoh I think the trans activist thing is concerning. I imagine it's concerning for the vast majority of people who are transgender toowho meet enough hostility and criticism as it is, whilst just going about their own business.

PoochSmooch Tue 11-Apr-17 15:11:41

what is it about the situation that requires sympathy or compassion from the board?

The person is the OP's ex, so it's not the OP who requires sympathy. The ex isn't here, so they don't require sympathy. I've loads of compassion for people with gender dysphoria, but not so much for anti-feminist transactivists.

Even now I've read the posts properly (and I've apologised for my error, and asked MNHQ to delete), I still don't know what the OP is really asking for here. We get a lot of people swinging by to tell us we're transphobic and horrid, and a thread that opens with "this trans person is not threatening" makes me think that's where it's heading, as in "my friend is lovely, so what are you all on about here?" Maybe it's not, I don't know. OP, maybe you could enlighten?

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