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Could use a bit of support

(39 Posts)
ISaySteadyOn Fri 24-Mar-17 12:06:57

With something really frivolous or that feels as such.
I am, after 6 years, winding down bfing. I haven't been bfing the same DC for 6 years btw, it's DC3 who is finishing. I've not bothered buying any new clothes since DD1 was born as I felt it was pointless. I have been given a few things over the years but I have worn many of them out and, after 3 pregnancies and bfing, my body shape is different.

So I need a couple new things which sounds simple enough except that I hate hate hate clothes shopping. I'm v broad hipped and large breasted and everything I try makes me feel crap. DH says 'Blame the clothes, not your body' and he's absolutely right (fwiw, he thinks I am lovely in all the shapes I've been), but it's very hard.

I also have conflicting feelings because I keep thinking that clothes shopping is a frivolous pursuit and also that as a sahm, I don't need any new or nice things as who sees me anyway and it doesn't matter what I wear. And then I feel guilty because thinking that shopping for clothes is frivolous is sexist and, in writing this, I have just realised that actually, in my head, it's not frivolous for anyone else, just me.

I don't know what I am getting at, I guess I was hoping you lot could help me figure out this feeling and maybe the shopping trip I will need to go on will seem less awful. Last time I desperately needed new clothes, I put it off and put it off until DH said that if I went in the shop and found one thing, we could then spend as long as we wanted in a bookshop. Then I went in, got six black tops all the same because they were the only clothes that didn't make me feel crap. In short, last time I tried to shop, my husband had to bribe me to spend money on myself. But I want to do it by myself this time. So any advice or overthinking welcome.

QuentinSummers Fri 24-Mar-17 12:29:15

Aw it's not frivolous. Everyone has to wear clothes, they are an expression of your personality and how you present to the world so it's important you are happy in them. Regardless of whether it's jeans and shirts or dresses, primark or couture.

My friend went to a personal shopper who helped her figure out what shapes suit her and now she sticks to those - so maybe that could work. Also you would then have a time limit on how long you would be in the shop so psychologically it might be easier to do?

TimeforANewTwatName Fri 24-Mar-17 12:34:49

I sort of know what you mean, I sometimes have the same problem, clothes arn't so bad(still a small problem though) but anything else for me, I just struggle to justify it. Even if I really like something, I hmm and arhh then talk myself out of it. Usually to do with the price....

I don't think it's a sexist issue with me, more I would rather save my money. But I never do I could walk in the next shop and see something the dc like and buy it for them.

Same with my horse, lots of people buy new stuff for their horses head collars/ brow bands/ numnahs ect. I just don't, I buy what I need and until it's broken beyond repair I don't buy another.

I think its maybe more to do with the way I was brought up regarding money.

ISaySteadyOn Fri 24-Mar-17 12:40:30

I thought of that. But I'd rather not inflict myself on a personal shopper. They wouldn't want to spend time on me. They have better people to help.

Tbh, if I weren't dyspraxic and had more time, I'd make my own clothes. But I am and I don't so shopping it is. I suspect I will have to bribe myself with the bookshop again. Like how I got the DCs to have jabssmile.

ISaySteadyOn Fri 24-Mar-17 12:46:49

Oh, see, if I had a horse, I'd have no problems getting things for it. Horses are beautiful.

It's partly money, partly stereotypes and partly the belief that I personally am not aesthetic enough to justify putting nice things on so why waste the money?

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid Fri 24-Mar-17 12:48:45

I thought of that. But I'd rather not inflict myself on a personal shopper. They wouldn't want to spend time on me. They have better people to help

They don't have better people to help at all. I'm sure finding clothes you like and feel comfortable in would give them great job satisfaction.

I get what you are going through it's kind of scary when the breastfeeding bit is over. It's also a nightmare trying to buy clothes when you have big hips my thighs are also massive. I wish this skinny jean fad would fuck of and die.

Go and see a personal shopper. If you go at quiet times shop assistants can be really helpful and go out of their way to find clothes they think will suit you.

Good luck.

Cooroo Fri 24-Mar-17 12:53:25

I can so relate to this, especially the bribery with bookshops - my mum used this one on me when I was 10! I rarely like clothes and am happy in jeans and t-shirt, mostly black.

However there is No one more deserving of a personal shopper's time than you. I've always wondered what it would be like - please use one and report back!

Destinysdaughter Fri 24-Mar-17 13:01:42

"partly the belief that I personally am not aesthetic enough to justify putting nice things on so why waste the money?"

Oh that made me feel so sad. I'm sure you're lovely. I have big boobs too and find clothes shopping depressing as so many styles don't work on me. However I think I've gone the opposite way to you and probably spend too much time trying to find things that look good, especially as, if I do not, I'll look fat and frumpy.

Of course you deserve to have nice things! I know when I look nice, I feel good ( not v feminist I know)

Things you could try are shopping online as you can try stuff on at home, charity shops if money is an issue and even get getting your colours/style done so you know what suits you.

You may want to repost this in S&B if you want more specific style advice!

ISaySteadyOn Fri 24-Mar-17 13:03:36

I've always thought of personal shoppers as for the ridiculously wealthy and we are definitely not that. Not sure we could afford it.

Also, unfortunately, that involves talking to someone I don't know and asking them to do something which for me is making me do 2 really hard things.

I appreciate the suggestions a lot and I am sorry I sound so negative. I'd hoped by writing it out I could get rid of the negativity.

TimeforANewTwatName Fri 24-Mar-17 13:10:04

Did you get the "it's a want not a need?" speech when you were younger?

That's were my problem stems from, so everything I buy for myself has to be justified. Do I need this? No, ok but I really like it, but I don't need it, i just want it, what else could I spend this amount of money on?

Basically anything I don't need seems frivolous to me. Including clothes and shoes.

I don't like this mind set. But it's difficult to break

Get yourself a personal shopper, and enjoy it.

ISaySteadyOn Fri 24-Mar-17 13:10:10

You know how people are afraid of FWR? That's a bit how I feel about S&B.

I think my body type is just wrong for this era.
Anyway, as this is FWR, I am aware I am not the only woman in the world to feel this way. So, I guess the question is, is the fashion industry misogynistic or thoughtless or both or what?

Destinysdaughter Fri 24-Mar-17 13:13:22

Personal shoppers in Debenhams are free. You talk to them about what you are looking for, they go off and find it for you and bring it back to you to try on in a private changing room. There's no obligation to buy anything and someone else's eyes may be helpful as we are our own worst critics!

Destinysdaughter Fri 24-Mar-17 13:17:14

I sometimes feel like an alien when I try on clothes that are cut for a completely different body shape, but I do know what suits me now and I stick to that. "Fashion" seems to sometimes just be about making women feel bad about ourselves tbh!

paddypants Fri 24-Mar-17 13:21:11

OP, personal shoppers are not for the wealthy or people spending a lot of money in one go. They are for people who need help with buying clothes. They are for you. I would use one to get a pair of jeans in a dept shop because I don't have time or expertise to try on a hundred pairs. They are there to look at your figure, understand your lifestyle and get you what you need. Simple!! Try a dept store or as someone else suggested, a shop you think you might like at a quiet time. Don't botherwith online shopping - too hit and miss.

You sound like a lovely person but with some self esteem issues. Buying nice clothes that make you feel good won't resolve it but will be a step in the right direction. For goodness sake, you have been breastfeeding for 6 years - if you don't deserve it, who does.

First things first - get measured for new bras and buy at least 4. Spend money here, it's worth it. Do you wear jeans a lot - spend money on a good pair, maybe two the same. Get a nice pair of trainers, a nice spring coat, a new handbag. Then fill in with cheaper tops. Buy some colour! It's spring! Agree with your husband (who also sounds lovely) the budget then off you go and spend the lot. Believe me, you need it a lot more than hour kids - they don't care what they wear.

Good luck!!

ChocChocPorridge Fri 24-Mar-17 13:22:15

I feel the same way as you - I really really hate shopping (I remember crying in M&S looking for something to wear for my first interview).

I work from home, so don't really need new things ever (beyond one nice outfit for client meetings), and I'm short and fat with small wide feet and big boobs - basically, the only place that I ever have any choice to buy pretty things is Bravissimo!

So what I do is whenever I have a chance for some time away from the kids, I just go and look. Generally I don't see anything, but sometimes I'll be in Sainsburies (I don't generally go to expensive places unless I need something specific) and I'll just browse the whole clothes section and if I see something I like, I get it. It's a supermarket, so it's never expensive, and it just means that I can generally find something OK to wear.

Then once or twice a year (whenever they wear out) I'll go and buy 3 pairs of jeans (supermarket - although when DS1 was small I had 2 pairs online custom made in America - company since gone bust - and they were fantastic and lasted me for 4 years - so I'm open to more expensive jeans again at some point) and 6 or 7 bras.

paddypants Fri 24-Mar-17 13:24:18

Another suggestion. Do you have a friend who has good style and could help you. I have a friend who does and loves putting outfits together. If I have an occasion I need an outfit for, I take her and put her in charge. Advantage is that she knows me and knows what I wouldn't be comfortable in.

ISaySteadyOn Fri 24-Mar-17 13:31:35

Destiny, 'fashion seems to be about making women feel bad about themselves '. Agree especially women who are broader. Hmmm, women who might take up more space are more often told their bodies are wrong.

Paddy, forgot shoes count as clothing in which case my OP is inaccurate as I bought shoes last year . Nothing major, just trainers and one pair of regular shoes.

ISaySteadyOn Fri 24-Mar-17 13:39:38

Timeforanewtwatname, no, I never got the 'want not a need' speech, what I did get was that shopping for clothes is about hiding your flaws and I was a size 10 then (was 16) and now am 16-18 (depression, 3 pregnancies in 4 years and one crash section will do that).

Tell you what though, I am stuck home with ill DS and bored out of my skull with bloody team umizoomi and you have all really helped with that! 😁 heartfelt grateful thank yous to you all.

Destinysdaughter Fri 24-Mar-17 13:54:01

I remember reading once that only 1 in 40,000 women looked like a model, yet these are the totally unrealistic standards that we are comparing ourselves to. It's bollocks. Your body isn't 'flawed', it's produced and fed 3 children, it's incredible!

QuentinSummers Fri 24-Mar-17 13:58:36

I bet you are a personal shoppers dream client. Why else would they do the job if not with fantasies of a Trinny and Susannah style make over in their head?
Honestly, just try it. Then report back! Please?

Destinysdaughter Fri 24-Mar-17 14:12:14

Here's some good quotes about unrealistic standards of beauty for you.

www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/15-quotes-dump-medias-standard-beauty-and-love-yourself-more.html

scallopsrgreat Fri 24-Mar-17 14:33:44

You know how people are afraid of FWR? That's a bit how I feel about S&B. Me too. I have it hidden! And I'm sure everyone would be lovely on there if we wrote a post like yours! I just don't know anything about it, have minimal interest beyond a basic need to not look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards at the best of times and I'd feel self conscious.

I too hate clothes shopping. Even when I was at peak fitness and very slim. As Destiny said fashion seems to make even those of us who aren't that body conscious, body conscious. I'm a lot more critical now though - which isn't a good thing.

Personal shopper - you totally deserve one! It isn't frivolous and you are exactly the right person they can help. I was shopping for an outfit recently and wish I'd thought of that route. Would have made life a lot easier.

And I'd second paddy's suggestion about some good bras - very feminist issue on lots of levels but if you're going to wear them (and lets face most of us are and we ain't going to change anytime soon) well fitting ones make a massive difference.

Destinysdaughter Fri 24-Mar-17 14:37:16

S&B is actually one of the friendliest most helpful places on here, rarely a bunfight ( unless it's about a pp wanting to spend ££££ on a handbag!) grin

Thelilywhite Fri 24-Mar-17 14:43:41

I second Debenhams they are great. I am short and curvy too and hate stuff that clings . Also great underwear - not necessarily the suck it all in type either. Stuff thats pretty fits well and makes you feel good about your self. I always feel better with good undies on even if I have grotty clothes on top!

ISaySteadyOn Fri 24-Mar-17 15:12:11

Don't think I will manage bras until DS is completely finished as all mine are nursing bras and since he is nearly finished, seems silly to get new ones just yet.

But when the time comes, I'll promise myself the newest Sophie Hannah book and do it.smile

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