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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Help me raise my girls right

37 replies

Fairybella · 16/02/2017 15:04

I've two beautiful daughters but I worry greatly about them growing up.
From a very young age I remember being touched etc inappropriately from scouts to clubbing even at work.... I never did anything about this it was just swept under the carpet! It was how it was when I was younger! I discussed this especially the clubbing with my partner his response was well... "what did you wear? if you don't want to have that done don't dress in a way that attracts men!" 😱😱😱
Long debate he could not see how awful that was to say!
I don't think woman should have to dress in a way that don't want too from fear of abuse! Jezzz don't men have self restraint??
So how to I encourage my daughters to not stand for inappropriate behaviours to speak up and be strong women!
We know the pants rule and protective behaviours but what else?
Also wtf do I do the dp?
Help this is driving me loopy!
Also I have no intention of offending anyone.

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Blossomdeary · 16/02/2017 15:08

I raised several DDs who are now happy young adults. They just need to be nurtured in a way that fosters self-respect - they then know what is appropriate and what is not.

Fairybella · 16/02/2017 15:12

I am hoping that is what I do. Thank you x

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M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 16/02/2017 15:50

I think the message that their bodies are their own has to start early and in a non-sexual way. So seemingly trivial things like never forcing them to kiss or hug auntie Gladys if they don't want to, only tickling them at their request and stopping immediately they ask, getting health care professionals to ask before touching them, allowing them privacy in the bathroom, knocking on bedroom doors (my DS is possibly a bit older - age 8 - obviously with teeny tiny children you'll be in the bathroom with them, but once they start expressing a need for privacy, respect that).

And you're going to have to have a word with your partner about his "what do you expect if you go out dressed like that?" attitude - that has to be knocked on the head way before they're adolescents. Because part of adolescence is pushing boundaries and exploring your sexuality, including dressing up in ways that (usually mistakenly when I think back to my horrendous outfits from my teens) you think are sexy to attractive boys - this doesn't mean you want to be leched over by seedy older men, nor does it give those seedy older men any excuse for doing so. if your partner persists in this rather stone-age attitude to women's clothes he will damage their sense of their own boundaries.

Fairybella · 16/02/2017 15:55

Thank you
Feel like I'm doing something right.
My 1st husband wasn't the man I thought he was. He did some irreparable damage so I've always promoted privacy and that their bodies are theirs!

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Ohdearducks · 16/02/2017 16:03

I think your partners victim blaming attitude definitely needs addressing, that's a very damaging idea to be brought up with as it perpetuates the myth that women are responsible for the abusive actions of men. I'm not sure I could be with someone who thinks like that, it's awful. Are you serious about him? I'd be tempted to ditch him to be honest, he doesn't sound like a good role model.

MrsJayy · 16/02/2017 16:05

I raised girls they are pretty decent women that respect themselves and know what is and isn't appropriate attention yes to the no kissing aunty if they dont want to no hugging anybody if they dont want to also their own boundry is important . The attitude of your partner is unsettiling what is he going to say if your dds decide to wear a short skirt or maybe a top low when they are teenagers? No girl or woman deserves to be groped. I was assaulted by a (then) friend i was drunk he was walking me home apparently that was an invatation and I was naive he got a swift kick but this behaviour did go on when i was younger too .

HelenDenver · 16/02/2017 16:11

Also worried about the message your DP is sending them (and you!)

Fairybella · 16/02/2017 16:16

I've only found out dp thinks like this... he has made sexiest comments in the past but I've never known whether or not he is serious!

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Fairybella · 16/02/2017 16:19

Comments about "woman's work" etc about house work nothing to this level

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MrsJayy · 16/02/2017 16:19

He is serious it really needs nipping in the bud asap. Say to him are mean so weak that they can't control themselves

Ohdearducks · 16/02/2017 16:20

Oh yuck, dump him OP he's a pig.

MrsJayy · 16/02/2017 16:21

Sorry i dont mean to harp on about him you asked about raising girls however this man is in their life he needs to quit his sexist crap.

sashh · 16/02/2017 16:21

if you don't want to have that done don't dress in a way that attracts men

Lots of men are attracted to school uniform regardless of the age of the wearer. Start with this.

VestalVirgin · 16/02/2017 16:23

I agree. Dump him. Getting more attached to him only to have to get rid of him later would only hurt you more, and considering that this is not the only sexist attitude he has displayed ...

Fairybella · 16/02/2017 16:23

Gross to the school uniform thing makes me sick in my mouth a bit!
Your right about the sexiest thing it's appalling

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Fairybella · 16/02/2017 16:24

Leaving isn't easy with a child and house and thinking of my eldest too

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HelenDenver · 16/02/2017 16:25

There is also a (heartbreaking) twitter hashtag regarding what women/girls were wearing when assaulted - often it's jeans, PJs etc.

Does he know that 85-90% of rapes/sexual assaults are by someone known to the victim?

And the women's work shit needs to stop. Have you read the stickied post at the top of the Relationships board? Have you swapped a grade 8 arsehole for a grade 6 arsehole?

Chickennuggetfeeder · 16/02/2017 16:27

My dp came out with something similar when my dd who is 12 was wearing a jumper that showed a tiny bit of skin when she moved. His words where "dont you have any self respect i dont want you wearing things like that!" He also cant seem to understand what im talking about.

HelenDenver · 16/02/2017 16:27

www.buzzfeed.com/jtes/sexual-assault-survivors-answer-the-question-what-were-you-w?utm_term=.pqwNoxJyA#.bs5VAJdy1

VestalVirgin · 16/02/2017 16:37

Leaving isn't easy with a child and house and thinking of my eldest too

True. But it is a goal you can work toward.

In the meantime, make it clear to your daughters that you disagree with his sexist attitudes.

GlassSeahorse · 16/02/2017 16:38

I have 9 and 6 year old daughters. I've pointed out things on TV that are sexist over the years. It must have hit home because they both see things now (especially on adverts) that I had not noticed.

They know that their bodies belong to them and it's ok to not let people touch them.

They both do ninjitsui too which has been a fantastic confidence booster for them, and it gives me peace of mind that they can look after themselves.

6yo DD was OUTRAGED last week when a boy in her class told her that girls couldn't do certain jobs. By the time she'd finished ripping into him he was sorry he'd opened his mouth .

Fairybella · 16/02/2017 16:41

You all sound like you are raising fantastic women!

Yes to swapping to grade 6!!

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IsitJustFantasy · 16/02/2017 18:06

I experienced a lot of that kind of attention from secondary school onwards. One thing I wish I'd had known back then is that it is wrong. I knew I didn't like it, I knew it made me feel horrible and awkward (and contributed to eating disorders as well as not wanting to leave the house). But I didn't know the men who did it were wrong. It happened so often and no-one ever said to me "they shouldn't be doing that", I just assumed that's how things were and it was normal and I was weird for feeling weird about it. I am going to make sure my DD knows it isn't normal and that she doesn't have to entertain their attempts at conversation out of politeness. She isn't even 3 yet so it's a while off I hope, but we will be talking about it as she gets older. Also yes, awareness about privacy and consent, and I like the idea of her learning a martial art, for confidence as much as anything.

Fairybella · 16/02/2017 18:10

How would you start to teach a child about sexism in a way they understand?

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MrsJayy · 17/02/2017 09:19

Tbh i cant remember exactly what i said about sexism but they know what sexist and what isn't I guess it would have started young. I remember dd getting teased at nursery about her thomas the tank wellies they were for boys blah de blah. I just said they were being silly and Thomas was for everybody and apparently dd caused a fuss next day when she told everybody Thomas was for girls too.

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