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Why do so many men turn bad...?

(419 Posts)
Destinysdaughter Fri 27-Jan-17 18:44:05

Was just thinking about this, May be simplistic but was wondering why so many men end up being rapists, paedophiles, DV abusers, stalkers etc?

Is it something in their family background, being a victim of abuse themselves, conditioning, or something else?

ChocChocPorridge Fri 27-Jan-17 19:21:41

I think it's conditioning. So much of the world encourages people to think of women as ornamental, not real people. I think it's very easy for men to get to a point where other people are props in their life rather than real.

EagleIsland Fri 27-Jan-17 19:38:26

I am going to follow this with interest as a male who turned out good......well I believe I did

Upbringing I believe plays a important part. My mum and dad had a good stable relationship that I could see as a child

Destinysdaughter Fri 27-Jan-17 19:47:48

Eagle, that's interesting, do you feel you had good role models from your parents as a child then?

EagleIsland Fri 27-Jan-17 19:56:12

Yes I did, my dad worked full time in a technical job that he enjoyed, he did a lot of DIY and was very hands on.

Mum stopped working when I was born and she did all the child care/housework and managed the financial stuff. (She said it was her full time job)

Some on here would say it wasn't a fair split at all....but my parents always saw they were equal.

They worked as a team, and always helped us with homework etc.

They still have a happy marriage.

I think seeing this as a kid showed me how the families should be.

Elvisrocks Fri 27-Jan-17 20:04:05

I would say all the very decent, kind men I know well had involved fathers who were of a similar ilk. I definitely don't think a boy would turn out badly without a good male role-model but if a boy does have one, it seems very likely he would follow suit iyswim.

PinkIsRad Fri 27-Jan-17 21:34:52

I think this is bigger than just "men are taught women are there to be used".

Humanity in general is very callous and uncaring.

And I believe it is almost wholly down to upbringing. If you see callousness and hatred when growing up, how much more likely are you to act similarly than someone who saw kindness and love?

ps I read some replies meanwhile and it seems that both Elvis and Eagle echo my thoughts.

Childrenofthestones Fri 27-Jan-17 22:14:43

"And I believe it is almost wholly down to upbringing. If you see callousness and hatred when growing up, how much more likely are you to act similarly than someone who saw kindness and love?"

Erin Pizzey observed as much.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 27-Jan-17 22:26:51

I think it's a combo. I used to work in a rehab and one psychologist said that men are conditioned to turn anger out and women in. So a very bad childhood might lead to anorexia or self-harm in a woman but rage and violence in a man. Same anger; different target.

tribpot Fri 27-Jan-17 22:40:18

Whilst not disputing your central point, I do wonder about the language 'so many men'. Are too many men rapists? Absolutely, but it is a fraction of the whole (although of course the exact fraction is unclear).

I had a look for statistics about the prison population - not the same as the number of people who have committed crimes, but at least it's a metric. The link is here - it will download a PDF.

In 2015 there were 356 male prisoners per 100,000 of the male population, or 0.36%

DeviTheGaelet Fri 27-Jan-17 22:45:24

Don't derail the thread trib
I think there is something almost compulsive in some mens sexuality and that coupled with a bit of entitlement and "she likes it really/she just needs wooing " when women aren't enthusiastic adds up to bad news.
I don't know where thats come from and whether it's innate but I can believe it is as it relates to sex drive and sexual behaviour is one area that has a direct impact on whether or not genes are passed on.

LassWiTheDelicateAir Sat 28-Jan-17 00:39:17

Whilst not disputing your central point, I do wonder about the language 'so many men'. Are too many men rapists? Absolutely, but it is a fraction of the whole (although of course the exact fraction is unclear)

I think that is a valid point.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 28-Jan-17 00:41:15

Well 16% self report as rapists according to one study. I'd say that's a lot.

With rape, prison population is a laughable metric.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 28-Jan-17 01:35:17

1 in 16, sorry! 16% would be horrifying.

Holowiwi Sat 28-Jan-17 09:36:04

I think it is more than not seeing women as real people considering that most of male aggression and violence is directed towards other men not women.

picklemepopcorn Sat 28-Jan-17 09:43:18

Most of the men who behave very badly are not in prison. Most rapists are not in prison, most men who commit domestic violence are not in prison, most stalkers are not in prison. A very small number actually get prosecuted and imprisoned.

There seems to be a self centredness in society at the moment. That I can bully my way to getting what I want. Entitlement. And sex, women's bodies, are one of the things men are entitled to.

AskBasil Sat 28-Jan-17 09:50:40

I don't think it's just upbringing, because many people who saw callousness and cruelty while they were growing up, actually go on to make good, loving families and I think we need to be very careful about coming over (unintentionally I'm sure) as assuming that people who grew up in abusive families, are almost fated to repeat the patterns; it's not true; people have choices, they are able to stand back and decide that they are not going to repeat bad patters and even if they find that occasionally their abusive childhood comes back to bite them on the bum, they are still able to make an overall decision not to be abusive themselves.

If society did not nudge men who were brought up in cruel, abusive families along to "the bad", then we would find a similar number of women committing violent crimes and being terribly abusive. But we don't, because society doesn't give women the same message it gives men: that they're entitled to sex, to a woman's attention and time and energy, that they have the right to put their lives at the centre of existence and expect any woman they take up with, to be a satellite to their existence rather than a planet in her own right IYSWIM.

It's that thing of seeing women as also-ran human beings, not default. Yes we're sort of human, yes we have the right to have our own little lives, but not if it's inconvenient to men. So of course women can go out to work and have a career, but the idea that I'm going to go part time and take the career hit that doing my full share of parenting would entail - what a ridiculous idea, that's for women to do. Of course women have the right not to be raped in marriage, but not if I have to go without a fuck for longer than 3 months etc.

It's about entitlement IMO.

AskBasil Sat 28-Jan-17 09:54:40

What I always think about this, is that it's surprising more men aren't rapists, murderers, DV perpetrators etc.

The message society sends boys and men, is so strong, that when I'm feeling optimistic, I think how amazing it is that so many men turn out not to be abusive and how that may be an indicator of just how great men could be, if they weren't being corrupted by patriarchy.

But when I'm feeling pessimistic, I wonder what goes on behind closed doors and how many of the men who behave like decent, thoughtful men in public, are actually entitled wankers. We don't know do we, there isn't a survey that goes round all households and asks about deep-seated attitudes. grin

TheElephantofSurprise Sat 28-Jan-17 10:01:24

They do that because it is in their nature. Socialising, conditioning etc train them not to, if they are trainable. Not all are.

AskBasil Sat 28-Jan-17 10:21:12

I don't believe it is men's nature to be rapists, murderers, abusers etc. any more than it is in women's nature, or any more than it is in our natures to be altruistic, kind, empathetic, honourable etc.

Although the fact that the first thing men did when coming out of primitive living, was to enslave women and define us as property, is a bit worrying, when it comes to human nature. I wonder if women would have done that to them, if we had been bigger and stronger?

I'm not sure we would have. I think the evidence is that women are more inclined to be collaborative and co-operative than men and I think the biological aspect of carrying, birthing and nurturing other human beings, would probably have prevented women developing an ideology that de-humanised half the human race.

So I'm a bit uncomfortable with it. I want to believe that men's essential nature is the same as women's, but oh, the evidence... <sigh>

nagsandovalballs Sat 28-Jan-17 10:29:31

Some interesting research into psychopath proves that there is a pyshcopathic brain. You can see it on an MRI. However, upbringing alters the outcomes for yhe child enormously, not least because it has the possibility of training the brain pathways to trigger areas of the brain dealing with emotions etc.

It quite literally is nature and nurture. Scientists are beginning to look at the role hormones also play in this dynamic. I.e. Testosterone etc

Xenophile Sat 28-Jan-17 10:42:39

You can see the psychopath brain at birth?

That's interesting, where did you read that, out of interest?

Mittensonastring Sat 28-Jan-17 10:42:59

Communication plays a part.

Who has heard that quote football was invented to give men something to talk about.

How often do they talk about feelings? I have recently been party to a conversation amongst two young men I know. One admitted he really cared for the girl he had broken up with and due to difficult reasons the relationship had to end, it was mutual but very sad. But he had to write this revelation down because he couldn't verbalise it to his friend and was worrried he would be perceived as weak for daring to show he cared for someone.

Whereas I am having terrible relationship difficulties currently and have freely confided in a few female friends. I admit to being devastated, I have cried in front of them and admit I'm hurting like hell. The male friends I have told have told me to get laid to get over it and one even offered to have sex with me. These are well educated men, some sport quite liberal credentials to the world.

This isn't an excuse for men but the fact they just often don't communicate about feelings is bad news for humanity.

Anothermoomin Sat 28-Jan-17 10:53:01

Men are born psychopaths and it's just in their nature to be violent. Men can't be trained.<gulp>

Am I the only one offended by views like that?

"So a very bad childhood might lead to anorexia or self-harm in a woman but rage and violence in a man. Same anger; different target."

I think there is a lot to be said for that view. Socialisation in our patriarchal society can have a very negative impact on some groups of men. White working class men suffer particularly badly and this in turn leads to the women in their lives suffering substantially more.

HelenDenver Sat 28-Jan-17 11:08:36

"Men are born psychopaths and it's just in their nature to be violent. Men can't be trained.<gulp>"

I've missed this, moomin, though have RTFT. Which post said this?

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