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Emotional labour rant....

(23 Posts)
bumtibum Tue 10-Jan-17 19:41:06

My husband works and I work from home; I do freelance work and also write. Because of the disparity in our incomes and working week, I do everything at shopping, every meal, all the laundry, every single school run, take my child to every after school activity, party and playdate, organise every birthday party, research holidays, organise our social life, tidy the house, do the bins and recycling, etc etc. I don't begrudge my husband anything because he is BRILLIANT at supporting me, for example he will come home and do bed time, and often tidy up after dinner, etc, if I am feeling frazzled. Recently we have got a new puppy as he is so keen for us to have a dog, but surprise surprise, I now have a dog to look after, walk, take out into the garden in the wet and cold to have a wee and poo, etc. I am basically knackered. I feel joyless - the spark has left me. All I can think about is how tired I am and how boring my life has become... it makes me embarrassed to talk to people honestly about my life. I just feel boring and am slightly embarrassed about the monotony of my life - I do the school run, come home, tidy up the kitchen and house, walk the dog, pick up its poo, do chores, (admin, accounts, work) then pick up our daughter, take her to whatever thing is on after school, make dinner, then crash. What originally made me want to post this thread was that I find it difficult to account for my time when my husband asks me what I've been up to - I know he's just being nice, but I find it hard to not sound depressed or biiter and resentful when I say - I basically run around doing repetitive chores and looking after a dog that you wanted but I have nothing to show for it, yet when people find out I work from home, they don't think it's a job. I'm just so PISSED OFF AND TIRED AND SHOCKED, frankly, at what my life has become ... or is it just January??????????

HelenDenver Tue 10-Jan-17 20:07:59

Why did he buy a dog for you to walk and tend?

HelenDenver Tue 10-Jan-17 20:08:52

What changes will he need to make (e.g. Home early a couple of nights in exchange for going in early a couple of days) that would work for you?

Surreyblah Tue 10-Jan-17 20:11:11

Bad plan to get a dog.

Would you prefer to do more paid work and less domestic? Could you afford a cleaner?

MorrisZapp Tue 10-Jan-17 20:13:22

Having a job stops him from researching holidays? Did he used to have a job, when you first met and he did his own laundry, shopping and admin? I don't understand why anybody agrees to this kind of deal but it's everywhere. My best friend does absolutely everything because her husband 'works' (as does she) and 'he'd just leave it half done'.

You sound intelligent. Tell him how shite it is, and make changes.

bumtibum Tue 10-Jan-17 20:20:03

We got a dog because we both love them... turns out I don't love them as much as he does and I don't love being a glorified dog walker.... I'm sure once the puppy grows up it will be easier. I do think that I need to ask him to work a bit more flexibly but on the other hand when he comes home he is massively hands on. I actually don't think there's anything else he can do, I just am surprised at how hard work it is to be a parent when your other half works long hours and your family aren't nearby (and fairly useless.) I think I just need a change of scene...

HelenDenver Tue 10-Jan-17 21:22:58

What about weekends?

Would you consider rehoming the dog?

Can he walk it when he gets in?

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 10-Jan-17 23:35:32

Do you spend any time with grown-ups? Because the problem with writing and freelance is that you are on your own, doing something that fits around everything so you don't actually have any adult, normal time.

TheyCallMeBell Thu 12-Jan-17 13:25:55

I have recently screamed at my OH "I just need time to be ME". Part of it is a culmination of drudgery and repetitive urgh stuff. Part of it is January. I tend to get like that every year, this year seems particularly bad, though.

Just saying it out loud has made a difference. Talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. He may be able to help, he may just be more mindful of everything you're doing. Either way, it will help.

bumtibum Thu 12-Jan-17 13:41:56

I just feel so dreadful. It's like a light has gone out inside my head. sad

HelenDenver Thu 12-Jan-17 14:04:35

How old is your youngest op?

VestalVirgin Thu 12-Jan-17 14:12:10

Is there work you can leave for your husband to do on the weekends? He does not want to get up earlier so he can walk the dog before work, okay.

Then why can't he do the laundry and other stuff that needs not be done every day (including the planning of social life, etc.), on the weekend?

You could use one day of the weekend to do fun things that you can tell people about when they ask what you have been up to.

To me it sounds like you might need a break. Perhaps it is depression. Why do you feel embarrassed because your life is boring? It seems you have a social life and holidays, as you organize all that - what do you think other people do that makes their lives more interesting than yours?

bumtibum Thu 12-Jan-17 15:01:26

She's 5

bumtibum Thu 12-Jan-17 15:05:14

Good point. I think I am depressed and housebound, which instantly makes everybody look like they're coping. I also have really been thinking about the lack of adult company in my life... I do everything alone; from childcare to cooking to working .... So I'm going to think of ways I can make that better. I love you ladies.

HelenDenver Thu 12-Jan-17 17:20:05

That's good.

Do you think there is any element of PND in this? Mine hung around for years, exacerbated by other life crap.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 12-Jan-17 17:46:47

I became almost agoraphobic when I had to spend lots of time alone (couldn't work because of immigration). I volunteered.

You sound depressed so you could see your GP...

AnArrowToTheKnee Fri 13-Jan-17 23:58:29

TheyCallMeBell I have that same argument with DH on a semi-regular basis, he just looks confused and says "but this is you, you're a mum." He doesn't grasp that being a parent has just taken over my whole life - probably because it hasn't done the same to his.

whattheseithakasmean Sat 14-Jan-17 08:26:16

When I worked in a flexible freelance role, a lot of it from home, in many ways it was great, but I really missed having colleagues and a team around me. When I went into work I was in an office by myself. I think working like that can get pretty lonely. Is there a way you can change your work patterns so you go into a more shared work environment one a week/fortnight. I now have great colleages in a shared office and I love chatting to them and catching up. Solo working is hard, add in young child & solo dog walks and that is pretty isolating.

bumtibum Sun 15-Jan-17 23:25:33

Where can I meet other adults during the day where I'm not just drinking coffee?

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 16-Jan-17 03:19:43

Running club, WI, volunteer job?

GinIsIn Mon 16-Jan-17 03:40:37

The dog is a GREAT way to meet people. Have a look for meet ups/training classes/organised walks etc.

HelenDenver Mon 16-Jan-17 09:08:12

Any parents of your DC's friends who you get on with who are WAHP or SAHP?

bumpertobumper Mon 16-Jan-17 11:17:52

I am in a very similar situation and feel like this too, but have a toddler instead of a puppy.
Look up dukkha- it is a Buddhist concept that refers to the unsatisfactoryness of domestic drudgery.
Somehow I found it reassuring that this is an entirely normal and universal feeling...

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