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Why do men apologise to other men when they hit on you by mistake?

(36 Posts)
YoJesse Tue 27-Sep-16 19:48:09

Waiting for a friend outside a shop this afternoon. Some bloke starts chatting me up and I make it clear without being a dick to him that I'm not interested but he goes on and on. My male friend comes out of the shop and the bloke looks really embarrassed and apologies to him saying sorry I didn't realise she was your's!

I'm not fucking anyone's (is what I wanted to say) but I just shut my mouth as I usually do in awkward situations and my mate just laughed it off saying 'so your mine hey?'why do men do this? I really want to explain why it pissed me off and why men think like that but I can't work it out in my head. Help!!

Arfarfanarf Tue 27-Sep-16 19:52:02

Because they tried to take another man's property.

That's how they see it.

YoJesse Tue 27-Sep-16 19:59:00

But that's so backwards. Is it really how they see it. God that's nasty.
My STBXH used to get into all sorts of fights with blokes if they hit on me out and about but I always thought it was defending me not his pride...

erinaceus Tue 27-Sep-16 20:07:25

I find this really difficult to deal with. I don't have any answers, but still, I find it really difficult to deal with.

Arfarfanarf Tue 27-Sep-16 20:08:20

Yes. There is no other reason a man would apologise to another man.

Thankfully not all men have this view!
I'd like to hope it's a minority.

But those who do, are the ones who will give the respect to the other man and treat you like his possession.

RaspberryIce Tue 27-Sep-16 20:11:57

Maybe he thought your male friend might beat him up for hitting on you and was trying to head that off.

YoJesse Tue 27-Sep-16 20:16:47

I don't think so raspberry! He just sort of ambled out of the shop with two young children and wasn't possessive looking at all. He thought it was all quite funny. I wanted to explain to him why I didn't find it funny without getting on my soapbox.

DollyBarton Tue 27-Sep-16 20:17:06

Or... Maybe the same would happen if a woman chatted up a man and his girlfriend showed up. I'd probably apologise to her in that case!

YoJesse Tue 27-Sep-16 20:21:12

If I started chatting up a bloke I'd cool it if I saw he wasn't interested, this one and others in previous similar situations just get more persistent and rude. So I wouldn't have to apologise to anyone because I'd take the hint he wasn't interested.

TashaYar Tue 27-Sep-16 20:32:33

It's probably the same mentality that means a "no im not interested" is ignored but "I'm married/have a boyfriend" is accepted.

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 27-Sep-16 20:37:27

Because women are not actual people able to accept or reject advances. You only matter in so far as you belong to an actual (male) person.

erinaceus Wed 28-Sep-16 07:22:21

It's probably the same mentality that means a "no im not interested" is ignored but "I'm married/have a boyfriend" is accepted.

This. It is one of the few guilty pleasures I have about getting married. If someone is hitting on me - which, I must emphasise, happens rarely - I mention my husband within next three sentences I speak and the hitter-onner or chatter-upper typically backs right off.

I am not sure that my strategy is particularly feminist, but it is effective. I was quite surprised when I discovered just how effective it is. I think that part of it is that now that I am married I find chatter-uppers much less threatening, so I somehow am more open to talking, whereas in the past I would see every person talking to me as predatory, and be distant or defensive in response. So in a way it was quite freeing, getting married, because not all people are predatory. Some are just...friendly...with no other agenda...at least I get to talk to them now, that is a bonus.

chunkymum1 Wed 28-Sep-16 10:58:42

It's the same mentality that makes some men cat call and think that they have the right to pass comment on a woman (the sort that think it's fine to order a stranger to smile even thought they are clearly not feeling happy). I think it's partly the idea that a woman is the property of a man and partly the idea that a man's wishes are more important than those of a woman (so if a woman makes it clear she's not interested in chatting but a man wants to he is quite justified in getting annoyed).

DH used to work in the hospitality industry and for a while was taking a 17 year old work experience girl to see potential venues with him. Some of these venues were pubs and if the young woman was left alone for 5 minutes, even if it was clear she was doing a job (measuring the room, checking power sockets etc) she would invariably be chatted up (in some cases asked very personal questions) by some random old man. When DH reappeared they would usually assume he was either her father or boyfriend and apologise profusely. Eventually he got work to agree that she did not need to come along on pub visits but I don't think he had previously realised how threatening these situations can be for young women. The only conclusion we could draw was that these men saw nothing wrong with making a woman feel uncomfortable but that they should not step on another man's territory.

OlennasWimple Wed 28-Sep-16 16:44:42

When I had just got engaged and was showing off my ring at work one day, a male colleague just casually said "That's you tagged". He explained that it meant I was now visibly off limits to men angry

VestalVirgin Wed 28-Sep-16 17:35:57

I have been considering buying a plain gold ring because of this. Maybe it is not particularly feminist, but then, the feminist solution to this would probably be to break the persistent hitter-onner's nose. Talking to such men is useless, they won't listen.

Yes, men do see you as property, property of all men as long as you aren't married, property of one men when you're married.
There's no other way to explain such behaviours.

YoJesse Wed 28-Sep-16 17:45:54

chunkymum I've worked in hospitality for ages and the ingrained sexism is crazy. We were regularly told to flirt with customers, young women weren't hired if they were too big. And within staff touching up and general sexual harassment as a joke was just part of the job. angry

olenna tagged? Urgh!

erinaceus Wed 28-Sep-16 18:48:35

There is a comedian - I think it might be Holly Walsh? I might have got that wrong - who has a gag about an engagement ring being like an estate agent "sold STC" sign, or something like that.

I remember being advised when I went travelling to wear an engagement ring; closer to home, sometimes I considered wearing one in the nightclub when I was a teenager, although I never did it, it was one of those things that was sometimes suggested among my friendship group at the time.

LunaJuna Wed 28-Sep-16 19:15:11

This idea of women "belonging" to a men is a sad reality in most men's mind ( and a lot of women's)....it sucks sad

MrHannahSnell Wed 28-Sep-16 20:35:15

Because they are worried that the other guy will take offence and become violent.

Milander Wed 28-Sep-16 21:08:54

I was looking at crime reports in our town centre earlier and noticed one described by the police as 'men being abusive to girlfriends'

Werksallhourz Wed 28-Sep-16 21:13:48

MrHannah is right. It's about avoiding violence. They apologise to the bloke because they don't want to get a punch in the face, and they don't reckon the woman is a risk for that.

I've been in circumstances where this scenario is reversed (women carrying guns on a peacekeeping mission etc), and attitudes are markedly different towards them.

Memoires Wed 28-Sep-16 21:37:47

I once responded toa tuation ike this with "it's easy to see why you're alone" whichesued in more posturing - to my male friend, who was little more than a colleague - along the lines of how he should keep me in order.

With these neanderthals it's barely worth noticing.

JacquettaWoodville Thu 29-Sep-16 09:39:10

Agree with Hanmah, they aren't sorry about the approach either way, they just want to make it clear that they weren't deliberately "goading" someone who might hit them.

JacquettaWoodville Thu 29-Sep-16 09:41:23

It's like picking flowers. If you picked one in a park, that would be fine. If you picked one then realised the garden owner was right next to you and it wasn't public property, you'd apologise.

Because unowned women are public property (to some) waiting around to be picked.

deydododatdodontdeydo Thu 29-Sep-16 11:08:50

I think it's a combination of all of these things. Some men consider women property, sure. Some think they'll probably get punched for it.
Many probably think a single women has some chance of success, whereas a married woman has 0% chance. I don't think this differs from when women chat men up - they would avoid the married ones - what's the point?
I can't see women apologising to the DW though, except in a rowdy nightclub maybe,

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