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New mothers need the whole story about AP.

(157 Posts)
wenchystrumpet Mon 22-Aug-16 22:40:26

I believe some attachment parents are being disingenous when they say their approach was easier for them (compared to other ways one can be a loving mother).

AP approaches are associated with severe and long term sleep deprivation. So, AP may have other benefits, but is being easier generally one of them?

I acknowledge that AP may well be experienced as easier by some individuals.

My contention is that out of the chorus of voices saying "I'm so lazy" there must be a fair few who have hurt their backs from wearing a sling or got depressed from being housebound and are just not acknowledging this part of their experience.

Why is this a problem? It's a problem because I think new mothers are being told only part of the story about AP. Having had no experience of parenting at all, they hear many (but no doubt not all) AP advocates suggesting that this is an easy way to be a mother, when in fact it is a very intense way to mother.

Mothers with mental health concerns, for example, may not find it easier to scale back their work in favour of spending long hours mothering without the balance that work outside the home can provide.

And yes I know AP is an 'approach' or a 'toolkit' but everyone knows certain ways of doing things are considered preferable.

BertrandRussell Tue 23-Aug-16 06:40:11

Has there been something on TV about Attachment Parenting recently? I don't think I've ever seen so many threads about it.

To be honest, I don't think most new parents have even heard of it- never mind tried it. And, incidentally, it doesn't involve being housebound.

wenchystrumpet Tue 23-Aug-16 07:20:24

Incidentally, AP often causes sleep deprivation which often causes depression which does not exactly lead to women having a full social calendar.

FurryGiraffe Tue 23-Aug-16 07:25:13

Incidentally, AP often causes sleep deprivation which often causes depression which does not exactly lead to women having a full social calendar

Evidence? By AP causes sleep deprivation I presume you mean co-sleeping causes sleep deprivation. Everyone I've ever met who co-slept did it because it increased the amount of sleep they got (me included).

HapShawl Tue 23-Aug-16 07:25:29

There's already a current thread on this confused

BertrandRussell Tue 23-Aug-16 07:25:29

Who says that AP often leads to sleep deprivation?

wenchystrumpet Tue 23-Aug-16 07:27:47

Yes and I didn't want to derail it.

I'm sure some women love co sleeping. And many many find it leads to poor quality sleep.

Felascloak Tue 23-Aug-16 07:30:27

Wearing a correctly fitted sling won't hurt your back any more than carrying a baby will.
I AP and worked. So AP doesn't mean you are housebound.
AP is not some kind of cult.
Your post is ridiculous.

CuttedUpPear Tue 23-Aug-16 07:33:33

I coslept with both of mine because it increased the amount of sleep I got.
Who are these 'many, many' and where is the research to back it up?

LapinR0se Tue 23-Aug-16 07:34:52

OP I fully 100% agree with you. You will get a flaming here but all of the mums I know who went down the attachment parenting route suffered chronic sleep deprivation and their careers and marriages really took a hit

wenchystrumpet Tue 23-Aug-16 07:35:11

Please read the OP. 'Some women are disingenuous' was my contention. Perhaps all of the above posters are not among them.

wenchystrumpet Tue 23-Aug-16 07:36:41

That was not to you Rose, we posted at the same time.

BertrandRussell Tue 23-Aug-16 07:37:16

"OP I fully 100% agree with you. You will get a flaming here but all of the mums I know who went down the attachment parenting route suffered chronic sleep deprivation and their careers and marriages really took a hit"

grin yep- every single one of them.

FurryGiraffe Tue 23-Aug-16 07:38:10

OP I fully 100% agree with you. You will get a flaming here but all of the mums I know who went down the attachment parenting route suffered chronic sleep deprivation and their careers and marriages really took a hit

If that's the case, why are they co-sleeping? If they and their children would sleep better in separate beds then sleep in separate beds. Do people really co-sleep because they believe it's the 'right' thing even though everyone is getting poor quality sleep? confused

wenchystrumpet Tue 23-Aug-16 07:40:20

Yes, because many women want to do what they are told is the best for their babies, even if it is causing them serious problems.

motherducker Tue 23-Aug-16 07:41:58

I find your op quite patronising. Women are not stupid. No one is going to co sleep if it means less sleep than having the baby in a cot. I co slept for a while until it stopped working and then baby went in to her own room, she still wakes up a few times a night though so am still knackered. Being a mum is pretty knackering isn't it?

Also where is all this sudden imagined pressure to AP? It's no more real than the pressure to do Gina Ford or whoever. Most parents do what works for them which is somewhere in the middle.

ChocChocPorridge Tue 23-Aug-16 07:42:05

What a strange post!

My marriage took no hit, because DP (although initially worried) was fully on-board with co-sleeping - which was the only way I broke my sleep deprivation caused by having to get up and down multiple times a night until finally just bringing him into bed when DS1 was 2 months. In fact, DS1 went into his own bed and came back into ours for 6 months a year later following being in hospital for a chest infection entirely at DP's behest (because he was so worried about DS1).

DS2 co-slept until he stopped night feeding and went in with his brother at 8 months (because he was a completely different child who fidgeted a lot) - still no sleep deprivation.

I used a mei-tai when the kids were babies because pushing a buggy is annoying - and actually hurts my back (I'm very short, and I could never get one that was comfortable), I was lucky - both of mine were walking independently well before a year so I didn't have to carry them once they were heavy much (and when I did, they went on my shoulders).

Could it possibly be that people and children are all different, and what works for one doesn't work for another? (shock! Horror!)

DrCoconut Tue 23-Aug-16 07:43:05

We co sleep because I couldn't imagine getting up and down and pacing around with a crying baby instead of just cuddling up and sleeping again. I use slings and breastfeed. I'm also not housebound or depressed. I've just gone back to work 2 days a week and go to baby groups too. I'm really enjoying DS3's babyhood.

BertrandRussell Tue 23-Aug-16 07:44:18

"Yes, because many women want to do what they are told is the best for their babies, even if it is causing them serious problems."

Who's telling them? In my experience, most parenting advice is as far from AP as it is possible to be. Including, actually, most advice about AP!

Dozer Tue 23-Aug-16 07:46:26

The other thread is quite wide ranging in the discussion and views of posters: no need to worry about de-railing!

PrincessHairyMclary Tue 23-Aug-16 07:51:56

I made AP choices before I had even heard of Attachment parenting.

In my opinion parenting as Mother Nature intended and not relying on quicker, newer methods (formula, sleeping in separate beds etc) is in most cases better for mother and child as a whole, we are ofcourse animals like any other. Whether or not this fits in with today's societal expectations or an individual's circumstance is doubtful though in our culture.

StrawberryQuik Tue 23-Aug-16 07:52:17

I'm not sure new mothers are even told about attachment parenting apart from on here?

In (my) real life everyone's all 'what's his routine', 'how often does he feed'' 'just let him cry it'll exercise his lungs' shock
Answers like 'I just pop him on my boob if he seems fussy' result in hmm faces.

I think it's also culturally subjective, I parent a lot like my mum (Italian) and to her what I do is pretty average parenting but by the standards of my British friends id probably be labelled an AP.
I think I'd find very routiny parenting very difficult as it's just not something I'm used to and it doesn't suit my personality.

So actually I think it's pretty good AP is mentioned on here as everyone's different and for some it may feel a lot better to parent that way.

idontlikealdi Tue 23-Aug-16 07:56:41

Why does it need a label - just do what you want / what works for you and your family.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely Tue 23-Aug-16 08:02:36

I agree. I got more sleep co sleeping, but we're talking 4 broken hours rather than 2.

I believed attachment style parenting was better for my baby and genuinely believed I was doing something wrong because I didn't find it easy as others suggest they do.

The truth was I was exhausted, depressed, lonely and completely irrational through sleep deprivation.

My dh and a good friend convinced me to try sleep training and formula and although I wasn't keen, I did, and my god the difference. I just regret that I spent all that time feeling guilty and tired. What a crap way to spend my dds' first few months.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Tue 23-Aug-16 08:04:35

I hadn't heard of AP whilst I was pregnant. I went to NCT classes and they spent the whole thing telling us not to co-sleep, etc. I had a Velcro baby so I did co-sleep but I always tried to put her in her own cor first. Co-sleeping worked when she was little but now she is a toddler on the rare occasion that she comes in our bed, she is too wiggly to sleep properly.

In terms of what women should be told, it's the same for every "parenting method". They should be told varying experiences from different women and the scientific evidence behind some of the suggested choices. And EVERY new mother needs to be reassured that whatever choices they make, as long as they are in the interest of keeping mum and baby happy and healthy, they are doing a good job. Let's show a little support and encouragement for each other.

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