It was year six prom here yesterday...

[BeyondVulvaResistance]

Just had to write down somewhere how frustrating it is.

[HoneyDragon]

is that a bad thing? Our year 6 leaving do party's are lovely.

[BeyondVulvaResistance]

It wasn't just a disco, it was the full shebang. What annoys me most is that this isn't a rich area - people have gone without to make sure their 10 year old is in an expensive dress with professional hair, make up, limo, everything. Of course people are free to spend their money on what they want, but it's an expectation, and one that disproportionately affects single mothers of girls (at 10, the boys aren't really interested)
Iyswim?

[Creatureofthenight]

I think a 'prom' for 11 year olds is beyond ridiculous.

[BeyondVulvaResistance]

Sorry, I'm writing 10 as a good friends daughter is 10. Of course most are already 11.

[HoneyDragon]

Blimey. We are in a wealthy area, girls mostly wear nice dresses from Next/Monsoon/H&M and a lot of converse style pumps. Some mums let the have hair up and/or nails done professionally but certainly not the majority.

No limos. Walk with friends or get dropped off. I thought all the £££££ showing off was an Urban myth.

[VestalVirgin]

A party is a nice thing, but this "prom" thing seems to mostly consist of girls wearing expensive dresses and make up.

Not sure they even have that much fun there. At 10, I liked to occasionally wear dresses and look pretty. For ... about half an hour. Then I'd be bored and do something else.

Come to think of it, I'm still the same.

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

I also think a prom for leaving primary school is ridiculous.

A prom for leaving secondary school is also ridiculous unless you actually are American. My son's school had a "leavers' ball" . It did involve a dinner suit for him and a frock for his girlfriend. It did not involve limousines and corsages.

[PrimalLass]

I think it is horrible seeing these children so done up. I am very glad ours have a beach party.

[BeyondVulvaResistance]

It did look like a walking, talking urban myth honey :(

And everyone I know thinks it's so lovely, I feel like an alien!! Hence writing about it here!

[gettingtherequickly]

It's all a bit "my big fat gypsy prom" isn't it?

[LilacSpunkMonkey]

We don't have Y6 'proms' here but all the secondary schools do them for Y11. DD is going into Y10 in September. I have already told her I will pay for a dress from eBay and maybe to get her hair done and that's it. They are ridiculously over the top here. The sailing academy is hired out, it is a red carpet event, the local paper comes and takes photos of everyone as they arrive and they do a big pullout on it. Everyone goes rucking gaga over it.

I hate it. The pressure it puts on parents (and teens) to spend, spend, spend, to look better than everyone else, to have a suitable date, to 'arrive in style' (fuck right off with that). Hate it

[CodyKing]

DD leavers is a beach party - with ice ten and balls etc BBQ etc

DS is going to an out door adventure tree climbing thing

Different schools

[MsMermaid]

The 2 primary schools round here, one has a prom, the other has a disco. The kids have more fun at the disco, but the parents spend more money on the prom. Some of the outfits are quite extreme, and hair, make-up, fake tans, etc seem very over the top for 11 yos. Especially when you see the boys arrive in nice jeans and a smart shirt. The difference in expectations is massive.

I'm very glad my DDs go to the school who stick with a disco in the school hall.

[TeiTetua]

"you see the boys arrive in nice jeans and a smart shirt. The difference in expectations is massive."

It's preparation for weddings, as was recently mentioned here. The bride gets to do immense amounts of stuff (and let's not forget her mother's participation) and the groom has done an OK job if he polishes his shoes.

You really can't say this is our misogynistic society at work. Women revel in it.

[Xenophile]

You really can't say this is our misogynistic society at work. Women revel in it.

Or are merely expected to do it in order to avoid censure from family and friends. Informal social control is still social control.

[ABunchOfCups]

I'm so glad you started this thread OP, it was dds y6 prom last week and she didn't go. I'm also from a poor area and a fortune has been spent on limos etc.

It was organised by the parents in a workmans club with a disco, dd was initially looking forward to it but when organisers started going on to them about how the girls will look beautiful in their ball gowns she changed her mind about going.

Dd said that all the girls were having fake tan, nails, make up hair etc done as well, some were taking "dates" and that she had been getting funny looks and told not to be silly when she said she didn't have a ball gown or make up. Not from the other children, but from adults, the organisers, her friends Mums etc.

I told dd that some girls might be wearing ball gowns, but that some won't, dds best friend is similar to her and she probably wouldn't be doing make up etc, but that either is fine. I also told she absolutely doesn't have to be with a "date". Dd was insistent that yes, all the girls are doing the ball gown, her friend doesn't want to but her mum said she won't let her go if she doesn't etc and that the prom doesn't sound like fun anymore anyway, that she didn't want to make fuss and she'd rather just not go.

Her body is changing and shes very uncomfortable with people commenting on her looks and she said that the focus of the prom has shifted from having fun with friends, to what girls are wearing what and how pretty they will look, she didn't want me speaking to the organisers as it would single her out further.

I'm mainly friends with the parents of boys in dds class, and they were not sending their son in tuxedos, dd said a boy who's not in tuxedo will not get the same judging as a girl not in make up and ball gown will. A couple of the boys didn't want to go because it didn't sound fun and they didn't want "dates" so dd felt better at not being the only one not going.

Prom photos appeared online last week and dd was correct, every girl had full on make up, fake tan, false nails, hair done and proper ball gowns, lots of class photo of the girls posing slightly sideways with one hand on head, one hand on hip, pouting etc. Only four boys from dds class went, and appear in only one photo and that's with their "date" Lots of comments about the girls being beautiful young women, how pretty they are, how the dress suits their shape etc etc

As much as I wanted dd to part of the prom, I think she made the right choice in not going, I overheard a convo some parents as they were near me in playground on the following Monday and some of the mums were absolutely horrid about the girls. Saying one girls make up looked "tarty", one of the girls danced like a stripper and the Dad's all had to look away, nasty comments about other mums letting them do that.

It's hard to see her struggle with puberty and a year ago, she'd have to that prom in a tuxedo and not given a shit as she was confident in herself and I'm worried that the more her body changes, the more confidence she loses. I'm not sure how to help her keep that confidence, I don't know anyone who's dd is going through the same to ask for advice, so if anyone has any suggestions I'd be grateful. 90 % of the time! this stuff isn't an issue and she's happy and confident! but I worry that as she gets older, the pressure to be feminine will increase. Someone tell me it won't, please.

[TeiTetua]

I'll stand by what I said about "lots of women revel in this stuff". The question for feminists is why it's true, when it's clear that there are alternatives and some girls and women are choosing them. But I'd bet that over in the "Style and beauty" section of Mumsnet, you wouldn't be seeing much argument.

ABunchOfCups, your daughter seems like a very perceptive girl. Could there be an anti-prom for those who aren't interested in the prom? But I suppose that would be taken as a declaration of war.

[TheRealPosieParker]

Argh my cousin, easily the poorest member of the family living in one of the most deprived area of the country hired a limo for her make up wearing daughter.... Year 6.

I have to say it's pretty crass and definitely an unwanted American import.

[PrimalLass]

I'd bet that over in the "Style and beauty" section of Mumsnet, you wouldn't be seeing much argument.

I don't think many over in S&B would agree with dolling 11-year-olds up like that either.

[BeyondVulvaResistance]

Nice to see I'm not alone :)
I hope it's gone again by the time mine are big enough...

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

And if it's not and she wants to go are you going to disapprove and put her off?

There is a happy medium. My son's school had a leaver's ball at the end of what we call 6th Year (age17/18) They dressed up- boys wore dinner suits or formal kilts, girls wore party dresses. It marked the end of school and end of exams. No limousines were involved.

[BeyondVulvaResistance]

Two boys, lass. :)

[AnnaMarlowe]

I'm fortunate to live in a very naice prosperous type of place.

Various friends posted pictures of the end of primary leavers dance.

Girls:

Pretty age appropriate dresses (not ball gowns at all)
Curls, fancy braids and (non professional up dos
A tiny bit of lip gloss
Sparkly ballet flats

Boys:
Smart shirts/jackets/trousers:the occasional tie
Smart shoes/ an occasional converse
Rampant hair gel

Not a limo in sight

All looked very happy, age appropriate and fun.

[Limurz]

Really dislike the who.e Yr6 prom thing. We have a leavers versus staff rounders match and BBQ followed by a disco- fun and no pressure on anyone.

[KickAssAngel]

I live in the US - there's no such thing as a prom for that age kids. Prom is for high school kids only.

When I taught in the UK we used to have a leavers 'ball' which was the school hall tarted up for an evening.

I'm loving the idea of a beach party or BBQ - far more suitable.