It started with a BBQ at 2, so early. There still weren't many of us there at 3 and after a throwaway comment I made that I now can't actually remember a young guy I don't know leant over and said "Oh, so you're a feminist, are you?" like it was a dirty word, which honestly hasn't happened to me in a few years.
Later on, he came over to me when I was talking to a friend and DH, and started apologising "if [he'd] offended me". I told him that he hadn't, after which he informed me that it was just that he'd "love to talk to you about your opinions, because I really think I can show you that you're wrong" 
I politely declined as I just wanted to have a relaxed evening with my friends. He kept asking, saying repeatedly that it was okay if I didn't want to but then asking again. Eventually I just wanted him to shut up and go away, so I said "go on then, say what you want to say to me and I'll give you the response you're after".
Basically what followed was a 3.5 hour long debate (which kept me away from my DH and friends) during which I tried to help a young (24), clearly misguided 'nice guy' misogynist see the light, at least a little. Every now and then someone would ask what we were talking about - he would tell them he was "correcting my opinions" (I don't think he realised but everyone else at the party was very obviously on my side!).
After about 3 hours his 'loo breaks' and 'getting a drink' breaks increased, so I asked if he wanted to stop the conversation (it was pretty intense). He insisted that he didn't, then would follow it with things like "I'll be back to mentally own you in a minute".
But his confidence broke down, and in the end it turned out he had had an abusive childhood, had control issues, and his ex had accused him of raping her multiple times, he hated himself for this, and had turned his anger outward to feminism as well as inward on himself (obviously with good reason). He cried a lot, I could see the great deal of pain he was in (whilst obviously being devastated for his poor ex). I tried at this point to reassure him that I didn't think he was an evil person, that we all do bad things and he should allow himself to feel the pain of what had happened and learn from it moving forward in life. After a few minutes he basically ran off to cry/break down in the bathroom and I went and got our mutual friend to take over with him, feeling a but of a shit to be honest.
So basically I'm struggling with me feelings about this incident and I'm trying to process it and really need to talk about it. I used to be very politically active and relish these conversations even though pre-DS I wasn't very good at them but now I actively avoid them because with a toddler and trying to have a life I just don't have the headspace at the moment, so my activism is passive at present.
I'm confused. I am...
- proud of myself for breaking through/winning the debate/beating the misogynist
- annoyed that he didn't at any point see the irony of him forcing himself on me verbally, not listening when I told him no multiple times, not listening when I told him his body language was aggressive (tall so kind of towering over me, gesticulating close to my face while doing his nice-guy-pensive patronising face and beard-stroking)
- very upset and worried about the young man who when I left was still crying on friends sofa and basically having a total breakdown
- hoping this will be a positive breakthrough moment in his life
- worried it will be a triggering awful moment in his life and lead to depression/self injury
- pissed off at my self for worrying about him when I didn't want the conversation and he literally asked for it.
He seemed so confident that he could "break me" right up to the point that I broke him. I don't know how to feel about the most successful debate of my life, because of the end result. Its so complicated - if he had won and made me cry no doubt he would feel bad but not like I do because I'm socialised to care more. But on the other hand it seems a bit Grown Ass Woman Who Knows Her Shit vs. Upstart Man-Boy With Heap Of Personal Pain and though I didn't know it was an unfair fight when I gave in after his pushing, its clear to me now that it was.
And I also hate myself for feeling it was unfair etc and like I should've gone easier on him because really that's ridiculous.
Sorry for the essay but I could really use some external thoughts/reassurances on this :( I've been out of the game for a while anyway and this has really thrown me!
