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porn found

(203 Posts)
madwomanacrosstheroad Thu 03-Mar-16 09:40:29

My husband's phone is linked to my Dropbox as he had photos of the kids on his phone and we wanted them all on one place. I was looking for something and discovered several porn pictures uploaded onto dropbox.
Asked my husband about this and he stated he was "just messing around". The stuff was "soft porn", the type of stuff I found under my eldest child's bed when he was a young teen.
I am horrified and shocked. My issue is not that he was looking at other women or naked bodies.
It is the exploitative nature of the porno industry, the objectification of women and children. What does that say about our sexual relationship? What does it say about his view of women?
We have been together for a long time. He is quite articulate about politics, the nature of exploitative relationships etc.

Bumbledumb Thu 03-Mar-16 10:00:23

What does that say about our sexual relationship?

It confirms the fact that he is heterosexual, and is actually sexually stimulated by female bodies. He is not pretending.

What does it say about his view of women?

It says that he finds women sexually attractive.

GreenTomatoJam Thu 03-Mar-16 10:05:37

Get him to read the descriptions of women on the front page of a porn site.

Ask him if that is a way he'd like you described, if that is sign of a healthy society, that 50% of humans describe another 50% of humans that way.

madwomanacrosstheroad Thu 03-Mar-16 10:06:09

He is well aware of issues around sexual exploitation of women in the various sex industries, human trafficking etc. If he wants to look at pictures of attractive women - grand. There is nothing real, equal , genuine or consentual about any of these pictures!

Edeline Thu 03-Mar-16 11:04:46

I truly don't think that men can be feminists, and examples like this are why I give male 'allies' the side eye. Because invariably, while they demonstrate that they are more than capable of understanding why pornography objectifies and debases women, they simply seem to shut that part of their brain off when it suits them and their penis feelz.

madwomanacrosstheroad Thu 03-Mar-16 11:20:49

I have never bought the shit that men are feminists. Of course not. But we seemed to be okay in that he did NOT pretend to be "male feminist" while having remarkably little of the power shit that is normally going on. I always thought our relationship was okay in that way.

CaptainSnootyofthePoshBrigade Thu 03-Mar-16 11:25:04

What are you posting to hear? Serious question. Do you want to hear that he's a shitbag and you should leave?

madwomanacrosstheroad Thu 03-Mar-16 12:03:55

Don't know what I want to hear. I know the answers . Am in shock. I suppose to me it displays a view of women that is so fundamentally threatening to anything I ever believed in. If it was sleeping with someone else, that would be a relationship issue. This is a political issue

PalmerViolet Thu 03-Mar-16 12:13:35

It says that he thinks that those women over there are ok to be exploited. It says that he thinks that you're different to them.

Not a reason to leave him, but definitely a basis for a conversation about why that othering of women in porn is unjustifiable.

Lanark2 Thu 03-Mar-16 12:13:42

Its unacceptable that he reads letters from the bank created by a machine that largely put women out of work, not men, but aside from that, have you checked to see whether the porn he had was created by mutually rewarded professionals in a country with reasonably strong labour laws and employment protection, or whether it was made with all the exploitation you are reading into it? It might be that he is encouraging a market for the more socially responsible aspects to the market.

BarefootAcrossHotLegoPieces Thu 03-Mar-16 12:26:00

Lanark2, you've made many similar posts on FWR. Are you enjoying your time here?

CaptainSnootyofthePoshBrigade Thu 03-Mar-16 12:29:51

Well, are your hands totally clean of any purchase that has an exploitative source? Your mobile phone, perhaps? Your clothing? Your food?

This is about an emotional reaction more than concerns his morality may have on other women, if I am not mistaken.

PalmerViolet Thu 03-Mar-16 12:49:31

This is about an emotional reaction more than concerns his morality may have on other women, if I am not mistaken.

Despite that being explicitly dealt with in the OP?

madwomanacrosstheroad Thu 03-Mar-16 12:59:10

No, none of our consciousness es are ever clean. I have not checked it the porn was done by a radical pornstarcollective with implants put in by radical feminist surgeons and photoshopped by a women group only using software produced by ethical hackers!!!. And yes I know it is impossible to live 100% squeaky clean. It does however alter my perception of who I think I am living with and u need to decide if I can live with that person or if I trust him.

CaptainSnootyofthePoshBrigade Thu 03-Mar-16 13:02:05

I think you are making your life more difficult. This isn't a particularly good reason to trash him, not least because you also use products that exploit women and children because it suits you (as do the vast majority of us).

If it upsets you that much, ask him to hide it. But playing the thought police will only bring you misery.

OzzieFem Thu 03-Mar-16 14:30:34

and u need to decide if I can live with that person or if I trust him.

I hope that was a typo and you are not expecting mumsnet posters to make a decision for you? confused

GreenTomatoJam Thu 03-Mar-16 14:37:03

I think you're getting a hard time OP (but dealing with it gracefully)

I do know what you mean (I think), but I really think he just won't have thought it through, rather than that he's thought it through, and still made the decision to look at these images. I know that I've spoken to DP about it (he's convinced mumsnet has radicalised me - which it has to a certain extent), and he just hadn't stopped and thought.

madwomanacrosstheroad Thu 03-Mar-16 16:00:22

Well suppose he has not thought this exact incident through. However both of us have been involved in radical politics for decades and should have a very clear understanding of issues around exploitation and abuse. So if he can compartmentalise this what does it mean re his entire identity and my identity? It is more than a question of having bought a jar of nescafe.

musicismylife Sat 05-Mar-16 07:52:07

Clearly, he likes looking at naked women. It turns him on.

Putting the pics with pics of your children, is a little messed up.

thedancingbear Sat 05-Mar-16 08:22:34

It is more than a question of having bought a jar of nescafe.

Why?

claraschu Sat 05-Mar-16 08:29:47

What DancingBear said

BarefootAcrossHotLegoPieces Sat 05-Mar-16 09:18:41

When you buy a jar of Nescafé, the harm is not visible.

When you view porn, the harm is giving you a hard on.

CaptainSnootyofthePoshBrigade Sat 05-Mar-16 11:34:10

So it's ok to use products that exploit people as long as you can kid yourself that those people don't exist?

BarefootAcrossHotLegoPieces Sat 05-Mar-16 11:37:24

I'm not saying it's ok.

I am pointing out the difference.

Do you think it's ok to get turned on by watching women getting harmed?

BertrandRussell Sat 05-Mar-16 11:42:04

"I really think he just won't have thought it through, rather than that he's thought it through, and still made the decision to look at these images."

Why do you think that? Why do you have such a low opinion of men?

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